More Than Just a Bowl of Cherries

Well, well, well...

2010-08-10T15:33:00.002-05:00

I'm alive. Kicking, even. :)

And I DO miss you girls... and I miss this outlet. So here I am, making another feeble attempt to check in on you all, my friends and comrades that helped me get through some of those dark days a few years ago... oh, how I don't miss those days! It's amazing to go back and read through the old posts, remembering the thoughts - feelings - frustrations - hopes - everything we were feeling... and think about how those have impacted who we are today.

We celebrated seven years of wedded bliss yesterday. Seven years! Isn't it old people that have been married that long? Funny how one's perspective changes... when you are leading a church full of people your parents' and grandparents' age that look at you like "the kids," suddenly getting a little older doesn't seem so bad! Seven years. As I contemplated what all has happened in these past seven years, how our relationship has changed and grown, where we've come, what we've experienced, what we're still waiting on and what we've achieved, I just have to smile. It's not a smile that doesn't know pain... I smile because it's amazing to me to think that what we've been through in the past, and being in the place that we are today has given me such a deep appreciation for Who God is... and developed a trust in Him that I may have never otherwise had. To know that God's plans are SO much different than my own, and even if I don't know if I'll ever understand His timeline, I know that I can trust Him with it because He is SO much more infinitely wise than I am. I truly believe that even if things in life don't go the way I think they will.... it's okay. It's okay because I don't have to be in control of my life. It's okay because I know that God loves me and will always do what is BEST for me - whether it seems like it in my eyes or not.

We are still waiting for baby #1, and it's okay. It's okay, because we are living right now for the job that God has given us to do... His church, His people - and we are able to serve Him in a way that we never would have been able to with the (wonderful) distraction of children. He has shown us His grace, over and over and over again, and the moment I am even tempted to give in to discouragement, He reminds me through some small or big way that He hasn't forgotten about me. Does it still hurt sometimes? Yes. Badly. But I'm learning, ever so slowly, that even when I hurt, that if in some small way my not having children yet brings me closer to Christ - makes me more like Him - points others to Him through my life - then I am okay with it. Even more than that, I can thank Him for it, rejoice in it, and tell Him that if He NEVER chooses to bless us with children, that's okay. Because my only other option is to get angry at Him, and I have seen the effects of an angry, bitter heart, and they are not pretty - it's a poison that effects everything else in life. Anger is not an option, and the moment I even sense it creeping in I've tried to kick it right back out.

So, in a nutshell, that's where I am in life. I can't help the fact that God is so intertwined in where I'm at... because, of all the things we've learned and done in the past seven years, He is the glue that holds it all together.

I could go on about the other details of our lives... the church (amazing!), my job (eh), my family (crazy), our dog (so sweet!), the house hunt (offered and waiting), upcoming vacation (exciting)... but I'll save those for another day.

Thanks for checking in on me, friends. I do still plan to pop in now and then. :)

Life is good. God is great.

Inspired, Once Again

2009-10-17T14:16:00.004-05:00

So, I'm going to be totally honest here. Up until about half an hour ago, I was ready to be done blogging forever... er, at least for the next couple of years, or however long it takes to get our baby. I had been thinking about the concept of blogging in the past couple of weeks, and why I did it, and what it did for me, and if it did anything for those of you who followed me, and honestly I couldn't really put my finger on anything good that came out of my blogging. Not to mention I had started to get tired of posting yet another "Nope, nothing has happened yet. We're still waiting" type of entry, when most of the people that I follow here have their families and moved on with their lives. And then, this afternoon when I found myself with a few extra minutes and a computer on my lap, my fingers found their way to the old blogger account... and that is when I realized why I blog. Besides the fact that I love being able to "journal" this way and look back a year ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago, etc. and see what I was thinking, feeling, experiencing... all of that aside, I realized that I went from "having a blog" to "being a blogger" for one reason and one reason only. And that reason is why I will continue to be a blogger, although probably never as often as I used to. That reason? You. My friends. With interesting lives, encouraging words, funny stories, and, when I logged on today and read one of your comments... actually missing me? And still praying for me? Even though I haven't posted regularly for over a year? How crazy of me to think that I could just leave and never come back! Isn't that terrible of me? Not completely forgetting you, but easily pushed to the back of the mind, not wondering what was going on in your lives or really caring about your challenges or accomplishments or every day happenings. And then... then when I read about them, that is when I remembered why I did this. Not just because it was therapeutic for me during a time that I needed it. Not just because it was a way of journaling what was going on in our lives. Not just because you all kept me riveted with interesting stories and the many similarities in our lives... but because we were friends. Really, truly. How silly of me to forget! So here I sit, ready to rekindle some old friendships and apologize for being gone so long. I can't guarantee a post every day, or even every week, but I do hope to post something at least a little more regularly, and I have every intention of continuing to follow - and care about - what is going on in your lives. Sentimental? Maybe. But true. I mean every word. So thanks, friends. I'm looking forward to keeping up with you in the future. ;)

My, oh my...

2009-06-22T14:49:00.006-05:00

I'm not even sure where to start. It's been too long! First things first - nope, no baby yet. But we ARE officially waiting... so I've been trying to stay busy and not think about it much unless I have to - I'd prefer to be pleasantly surprised if it ends up being a short wait, rather than expect it to be short, and be disappointed if it isn't. Of course I can't help but pick things up here and there - we now have the crib, bedding (I decided to go with a completely different one than the one that I got your opinion on below - I'll have to post pictures when I get it all put up :), the walls are painted, there are onesies and a few little outfits in the closet... oh, and I'm thinking about cloth diapers! Any input there??? Pretty much everyone I talk to about it thinks I'm crazy, but I really think it won't be too bad - I got some all in one diapers from someone who had gotten them and decided not to do it, and they're really nice, so I'm thinking that I'll at least give it a try. What do all you moms out there think? I just think that if I'm going to be the one home with the baby, and since we're going to be paying for formula, I might as well save the money and do my part to be "green" :)... right?

I really thought last year's Mother's Day that it would be my last without a baby, so this year was kind of hard, although the people in our church were absolutely amazing. We have several adoptive families, so those couples are always so sweet and understanding. Have I mentioned here how amazing it is that in our small church we have 4 other adoptive families, besides us? When we discovered that I was so excited, because it was just such a "God-thing"! Only He could put those families in our church and surround us with other people who understand and totally relate to what we are doing!

I'm so thankful that we have the church to throw ourselves into right now. I love it, and God is so good! We're growing (we're running around 60 on Sundays), and my husband is an amazing preacher! Right now we're looking into another building that we might be able to rent - it would be so great to have a place of our own that we could have all the time, not just an hour on Sunday mornings. If the one that we are looking at right now doesn't work out, we know there will be another better option out there! Hopefully before too long, too!

It's a little hard right now because we are still very involved in the church that helped us to get started, and yet we're also becoming more busy with our new church, so we're staying pretty busy these days. This week is VBS at the "old" church (for lack of a better word) - so my mornings are busy there, and afternoons I'm cleaning or working on things for the new church. But like I said, I do love that I'm busy.

Oh, and we have added a member to our family through another kind of "adoption." :) Keebler came to live with us in March - he is a SWEET 6-year-old Golden Retriever who we just adore! The cat - well, not so much, but she's learned to adjust, once she figured out that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he won't do anything to hurt her. :) He has fallen right into life here with us like he's always been here, and we just love having him! I told Troy I thought it would help to fill a void, but actually I think it has just made me more aware of the fact that I don't have a little one to nurture... ah, but it IS nice to have a walking buddy, someone eager to see us when we get home, and another warm (although hairy :) body to share the couch with!

Well, supper's calling! Hubby's cooking steaks on the grill - anyone want to come over? :)

Input, please?!

2009-01-14T14:52:00.005-06:00

You girls are always SOO sweet and helpful, I thought I might enlist your help on my newest quest. With the adoption moving along (we're ALMOST paper pregnant - just have to put the finishing touches on the profile and submit it this week!) I've been working on the nursery! So I got the not-so-beautiful wallpaper border down that was in there, and now it's painted a light yellow and next I'll be painting stripes - the wide ones in a shade darker of yellow. So, my question is this: is toile fabric (this one to be exact) too girly if we were to get a boy? I'm thinking I would bring in the blues and greens with a boy, the reds and pinks with a girl. Oh, and white furniture. Unfortunately, I've kind of already fallen in love with this set... but if you say yes, it's absolutely too girly... then I'll move on, but only if I have to! I'll post pictures of the nursery when it's done!

This is so much fun!!! :)

And thanks to all for the sweet well-wishes - the homestudy went wonderfully, and we are more excited than ever! I might post a link to our profile when it's done if I remember to! ;)

Homestudying...

2008-11-24T22:26:00.004-06:00

HERE WE GO! Last Monday was our first official homestudy with the adoption agency - the first of three - and I'm pretty sure we passed! I have to admit that I was a bit nervous when we first sat down with our social worker and she started talking about what would happen if we didn't pass... but after she started asking questions, I relaxed a little bit. Her questions were really not as in depth as I thought they would be - they were actually pretty basic - I'd almost say easy! I think the worst part about the whole thing was worrying that she didn't think we were being real with her, but we just tried to be ourselves, so hopefully she knew we weren't just trying to say what she wanted to hear. So we've got 2 more to go now... the next one will be individual interviews of Troy and I, so I'm a little nervous about that, too - I think that they may do a little more digging as we progress, but I'm sure it won't be anything we can't handle. It's scheduled for Dec. 4th - next week! - and we're still hoping that we'll be all done with everything and paper pregnant by Christmas!!! Yay!

I have to admit that now that we're ACTUALLY DOING this, I've been a little bit obsessed with baby thoughts. The nursery, names, the cute little clothes, baby stores! - I feel like I can actually go into stores like Babies R Us and not feel like an impostor!

We are SO excited. But now I have to keep reminding myself that once we ARE paper pregnant, I'm going to have to hold back and remember that it could be a long wait. But it's such a wonderful feeling that we're actually DOING this! I get more and more excited about it the closer we get! And we are surrounded by such supportive people! I was afraid that most of the reactions we would get throughout the process would be like the ones we got initially... about as much excitement as announcing that we had cancer or something... but now that we are going forward, most people are truly EXCITED for us. Of course there's the occasional "Oh. We thought you had some REAL news for us" comments (yes, someone really said that when we told them we were adopting), but for the most part, it has been great to see people's excitement about it.

*Sigh* God is SOOO good. We are SO blessed in so many ways, and this year at Thanksgiving I'm reminded that I have so MUCH to be thankful for. We're feeling more hopeful about our prospects of having a family than we have in quite a few years. We're hoping and praying that next year at this time we'll have a little baby "B" to hold and love and let grandparents spoil. I can't wait!!!

2008-08-30T16:38:00.002-05:00

Well, for our anniversary #5 (hard as it is to believe we're at that one already!) we decided to take a little trip to Niagara Falls, since I had never been there, and for some reason my husband likes to do things that I want to do! :) Because of everything going on, we had very limited time in which to take our little trip... so we opted to just make it a one-night, one-day thing, and travel through Canada since that would be faster than going all the way down and around. So, Thursday night we left the church at around 9 PM, and despite some heavy rain, made it to the Canadian border by about 10. Now, in our haste to pack up the car, we had forgotten one little thing that had been riding around in our trunk since we were in Wisconsin last...

A chainsaw.

And as we pulled up to the border and handed the guy (who appeared to be about 12, by the way) our ID's and birth certificates, unbeknownst to me, Troy decided that it would be better to tell him the truth when he asked us what we were carrying with us in the car, rather than try to cover it up. Which was a swell idea, right?, but for me, with no warning, and no hint of an idea that we actually even HAD a chainsaw in our trunk, it just so happened to strike me as HILARIOUS that we would be attempting to cross the border with a chainsaw in our trunk. Here we are at the border, a young pastor and his wife, headed to Niagara Falls for our anniversary, and we have a chainsaw in our trunk! Maybe it's not as funny as it was to me at the time, but when Troy said the word chainsaw, I started to get the giggles, there was NO stopping it! So this guy thinks that obviously SOMETHING isn't right with us, so he asked us to pull over to the side to be searched. Ugh. So we pull over, get out of the car, and stand in front of it as 3 or 4 guys - trying desperately to be as intimidating as they possibly could - go through our seats, suitcase, my purse, and the entire contents of our trunk as we stood there feeling like criminals!!! Seriously, they did everything short of frisking us. But obviously, they didn't find anything else to be questionable, and within 15 minutes we were back on the road again with nothing taken from us but a little bit of our pride. Note to self: next time traveling over the border, take the chainsaw out of the trunk first. Other than that little rendezvous, we had a wonderful time at the Falls, took some BEAUTIFUL pictures, and just enjoyed being able to spend some time together without having to think for a day about the big things coming up! And after a great time of sightseeing, one of the best parts of the day was the less-than-one-minute stop on the way back into the US, where we were very heartily welcomed HOME!!!

Life has been SOOOO busy the past month or so getting ready for this church-plant. I'm startin to think that it's actually going to happen! We're 4 weeks away from our first service, and almost every day it seems we hear of someone else who is interested or is looking for a good church in the area. It's so exciting to think that soon it will be more than just an ambiguous idea... that it will actually be a real, tangible, functioning, THRIVING church! We have great faith that it really will be thriving, too! God's going to do something awesome!!

As for the adoption, we have an official invitation to begin orientation with our agency on October 7! I can't wait to see how our lives are going to be different one year from now! :D So excited!

2008-07-18T12:03:00.003-05:00

Well. Where to start?

The adoption? Still waiting to start. Still tired of waiting. It feels like literally all of my friends are mommies now. And I'm feeling sad again that I have yet to join the ranks of mommyhood. I've been so distracted by everything else that I hadn't been thinking about it much, but the past couple of days I've been thinking more again about things. It's almost starting to feel like it's not really ever going to happen. Like for so long (5 years next month!) it has been just the 2 of us, that I can't even imagine what it will be like for our family to be 3... and eventually more. When I talked to our social worker at the end of May, she told me we'd be getting started by the end of summer... so I hope she's right. Sigh. I just really want a baby. :*(

The church? It's going well... we're getting SO close to the church-plant! The first service is September 28th, and I can hardly believe that my husband is going to be a pastor!! He's so ready, which is awesome to see. God's still working on me about my job as a pastor's wife, too, but I'm getting a little more comfortable with the thought. He knows what He's doing, even if I don't! :)

Life in general? Busy! But good. We got to go "home" to WI last week, and spend time with lots of both sides of the families, which was really good. It was hard coming back this time, though, for some reason. Guess just with my sister's new baby and all, it was a reminder that we're not 5 minutes away anymore. Any time spent with them is precious. And as great as phone and email and all that is, it's just not the same as being there. But it does help to know that we're here for a good reason! :)

Well, my time is limited. God is good. Life is good. Just can't wait to be a mommy.

The waiting. Oh, how I hate the waiting.

2008-04-25T12:48:00.002-05:00

So, I know the waiting is just beginning in the adoption process, but seriously. I hate waiting.
That whole, "oh, the first 3 months went really fast!" thing? Yeah, it was true, but this last month? Felt like a year. Is it too much to ask to just get things rolling??? I just want to be doing SOMETHING!!! It's just more true than ever to me that this life is just one big waiting game. Seriously, when I think about it, we waited until I was done with college to get married (maybe not as long as some people wait, but still...). Then we waited for 2 years for Troy to be closer to graduation before we started ttc. Then went of the pill, only to wait for 2 more years before we could take the time to have testing done. Then we waited for results. Then we waited to apply at the adoption agency just in case our apartment situation wouldn't work out. And now... we wait for them to contact us. Then when they do, and we get our homestudies and everything else all done, we'll wait again.
Sigh. Guess I better just get used to it.

My, oh my, oh my

2008-03-14T21:15:00.006-05:00

And once again I find myself apologizing for the lack of entries... I have no excuse except to say that I only get on the internet about once a week these days, and what precious time I have is usually spent emailing or... well... I hate to admit it but Facebook usually pulls me in for a good hour or so! What? Really, it's NOT my fault, I swear it's like a time-warp that as soon as you sign in you go into 'Facebook time' and it feels like half an hour is equivalent to about 10 minutes of real time. Crazy. So anyway....

Call me a glutton for punishment, but I went to the girls weekend. It really wasn't all THAT bad. Not something I'd want to do every weekend, or even once a month for that matter, but it was definitely worth it to see my mom and sisters again. My sister is so great... she totally understands what it's like to be in my shoes, and she's SO considerate of my feelings. I'm so thankful for that. And I have the sweetest husband in the world who was praying for me the entire time, which I'm convinced made all the difference in the world. There was one point where I could have cried... but I didn't. I sucked it up and kept looking at the cute little clothes that I can only dream of having someone small enough to fit into someday. So that's what I did. I pretended that I COULD be buying things for OUR baby if I wanted to, but I was just choosing not to at that moment. Ha ha ha. Oh well, it worked for the time being. I know I could be buying things here and there for our baby... but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. Not yet. Maybe when we're officially invited to begin orientation. Maybe then it will feel right. But not quite yet.
Soon... soon our time will come.
As I was just looking back on my old posts I realized that I never really mentioned WHAT exactly we were waiting for. See, the adoption agency that we have chosen to go through (click here if you want to see their website) is a smaller agency, so they have set it up that they only work in a pool of 10 couples at a time. They gave us the reasoning that that way the birthmom (by the way, birthmom is not a real word according to Blogger. Ha!) isn't overwhelmed by too many couples to choose from, and also so that our money isn't tied up longer than it needs to be. Which, the money part is actually nice for us in our situation, but at the same time we're kind of chomping at the bit to actually BEGIN something. We were told that we had the option of going ahead with the homestudies if we'd like to, and then if anything comes up where a baby would come available from a source outside the agency we'd be all set to go, and then we'd just have to refer the birthparents to our agency... but I guess we're just a little hesitant to do that. SO, all that to say that we're just waiting to be put in the next pool of 10 couples that comes up. When that happens, we'll be invited to 'orientation' with the agency and then we'll be able to start homestudies and paperwork and our profile/birthparent letter. We also found out that if our homestudies come up while we're still in our 1 BR apartment, we'll be okay since MI doesn't have any laws stating anything against that. That was what we thought would be a major setback, but it turns out it won't be a problem. HOPEFULLY by the time we actually bring a baby home, we'll be in a house or at least a bigger apartment, but, well, if it were to happen sooner than we're expecting and we had to squeeze for a little while, we wouldn't complain. :) It just hit me yesterday that it's already been 3 months since we sent in our initial application. If the rest of the waiting time goes this fast, I'm thinking that we'll have a baby here before we know it. I hope...

Wish I could go on, but unfortunately that’s about all I have time and battery juice left for tonight.

I’m thinking of you all and wishing you well! ;)

A little help, please?? :)

2008-02-04T20:06:00.001-06:00

So, I have a question....

What would YOU do if you were living an 8 hour drive from your family and had the chance to spend a weekend with your sister, mom, and sister in law? Well, that's a no-brainer, right? Okay, then let me complicate it a little.
For one, you... you're infertile, and on a waiting list with an adoption agency, with no clear timeline of how long you'll be on that waiting list, and you're so early on in the process that it isn't really real to you yet. Yeah, you'll be a mom... someday, but you're definitely not feeling like an expectant parent yet.
Okay, so with that out of the way, let me add that the sister? She's pregnant. 23 weeks, and really showing. And glowing. And although she was infertile for almost 10 years, she is (and rightfully so) thrilled and overwhelmed about this pregnancy and it's just about all she can talk about.
The sister in law? Oh, she'll have her 18 month old son with her, who is absolutely adorable, but in a room full of women will be ALL that she will talk about.
Add to that a mom who loves you very much, but has never been and will never be infertile, therefore doesn't really understand what comments hurt and which ones don't, so will undoubtedly say something over the course of the weekend that is hurtful. Of course she has the BEST of intentions, but sometimes things are just said that, well, you can't help it if they hurt.
And as much as you LOVE spending time with each of these girls... when they're all together... you just KNOW that ALL that they will be talking about, and shopping for, and eating for, etc etc etc... all weekend long, will be BABY. And unlike other family get-togethers, your ever-understanding husband WON'T be there, and well, since you'll be sharing a hotel room with these girls, there will be no. escape. No place to go cry. No place to go and NOT think about babies.

But you really want to see your family. And maybe, just maybe, it won't be as bad as you think.

What would YOU do?

Thoughts

2008-01-16T21:46:00.000-06:00

Where oh where to start? Guess I'll just jump right in with some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head regarding the adoption, in light of my sister's pregnancy and another friend announcing a pregnancy. (I still need this place as my "release" for my infertile thoughts, I guess. Funny, cause I've really been thinking about things less since we've committed to the adoption, but I def still think about them... and now that I don't have this outlet, I feel like things are getting bottled up, even though I still have my husband and my sister. I miss you girls. *tear*) Now where was I? Oh yeah, so we sent in our preliminary application with the first fee so that they can do the background checks and all that on us, and with that being done, and my sister arming me with a whole library of adoption reading (most recent read is Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina - which I'd definitely recommend! Oh, and some sweet anonymous person sent me a free subscription to Adoptive Families magazine! Wow! Love it!) So in light of these developments, lately I've been thinking about the whole pregnancy vs. adoption thing, not that there needs to be a comparison, but you know, when you can't have one, you kind of tend to compare these things. Sheesh, what's with the rabbit trails tonight? Guess that's what happens when it's been so long! :) So anyway - as I'm thinking about this, I started feeling bad again about missing out on the whole pregnancy experience. And as I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, I start analyzing why exactly it is that I'm feeling badly about this. I mean, I really think I CAN go without the whole pregnancy/birthing experience, I mean REALLY, I don't think I mind not having morning sickness and sore boobs and crazy hormones and weight gain and all that fun :), I'm really okay with that. I'm even okay with not ever being able to have a positive pregnancy test, with never feeling that first "flutter" of feeling my little baby inside me, never being able to let my husband feel a kick for the first time, or see a combination of the two of us in a sweet little face. I've come to terms with all of that, and I'm okay with it. Really.
What I really think that I'm missing now is just the... "normalness" of all of it. I'm missing the absolute time-frame of everything, where you KNOW that bada-bing, bada-boom, nine months later out pops a baby. I'm missing expectancy of it - KNOWING that my husband and I are going to be parents soon, and being able to announce it as such. I'm missing having other people be as excited as we are about the FACT that we will be parents soon. I'm missing having the constant reminder of it in front of me (literally!), and hearing sweet comments from strangers that I'm going to be a mommy soon - the way I feel when I see a pregnant girl - all the warm, fuzzy feelings of excitement and congratulations and questions of a due date and how they're feeling and... and, I don't know. Does this make any sense? Cause in my head it does, but I guess now that I get it all out in the open it doesn't seem quite as valid.
Troy says that things will get better when we get into it a little farther, when we're closer to it and people will recognize that we really, truly are going to be parents through this. Since, you know, we'll be talking about it so much that they won't have a choice but remember it. :) But I want that now! I want the simplicity of just.being.pregnant.
I guess I really just want to communicate that I am SO excited about the prospect of adoption and ALL that goes along with it, but I wish that other people got as excited about it as they do about pregnancy, and treated it as such. I don't mean to complain. I'm more than content... I'm elated, knowing that we will get the privilege of being a part of the adoption community, which is a special thing that not everyone does, and that we will get to see God working in our lives in this way. I know that in the end we'll have a baby, that we'll be parents, and even have a richer understanding of what that means and what a huge blessing it is...
but if I'm perfectly, blatantly honest, I wish some things about adoption could be different.

A huge long post with an update and some thoughts that have been lurking around in my head the past couple of weeks... (how's that for a title? :)

2007-11-26T14:20:00.000-06:00

It's snowing outside - big, soft, pretty flakes that make me want to listen to Christmas carols and drink hot chocolate as we decorate our Christmas tree. I can't believe that Christmas is already less than a month away... and I'm not even worried that I haven't started shopping yet - I'm just excited that we'll be going home to see family again. How fun that will be!!
My heart is so full as I type this post - I hardly know where to start - so I guess I'll just jump right in with an update on how we're doing. My parents came to visit this last weekend - it was the first time they'd been here, and it was so good to see them and show them around our new "home" and give them a glimpse of what our lives are like now. They loved the church and were so happy to see how the people here have taken us in with open arms - and it was so good to spend time with my mom again and get lots of hugs! My mom's hugs are one of the things that I think I miss most since moving. No one else is quite like your mom, you know? So that was just wonderful.
This Thanksgiving was our very first on our own away from family - so I made my very first Turkey and all the fixin's! Thank the Lord everything turned out very well! It was so much fun - felt a little bit like playing house again. We had tons of food, so of course now we have loads of leftovers, but I'm glad we did it none-the-less. I want to start making our own traditions, you know? We realized that Thanksgiving was Troy's first full day off since moving here, so we wanted to make the most of it - and we had a wonderful, relaxing day watching the parade, eating our dinner, and then of course watching the Packers beat the Lions... that made a good day even better! It did feel a little odd that we didn't see either of our families at all (my parents got in on Friday) - since that's all we've known for holidays - but in a strange way it felt good, knowing that we're out on our own, where God wants us to be. I guess it's kind of hard to describe if you've never done it, but I don't know... it feels... fulfilling, somehow. Anyway.
The weekend before that my brother and SIL and nephew came to visit - and that was lots of fun, too - my nephew is 15 months now, and he's just as cute as ever. What a fun age! He's walking, dancing, starting to talk, and into absolutely everything - including the cats! Unfortunatley my cats weren't too crazy about him, and before the weekend was over he was "hissing" back at them when they'd hiss at him! Ha ha ha!!! It was SO cute! He'd wrinkle up his nose and make this funny sound through it... priceless!
It's funny, because as I'm sure we've all heard at one time or another, parents tell us that if we spent a weekend with their kids we'd never want our own... and yet, after last weekend, we were left wanting one even more. Seriously, who wouldn't want that added dimension to their lives? How could you not desire that? I'll never understand it.
The adoption process is coming slowly for us. We sent in the initial application and now we're working on filling out the preliminary paperwork that we're hoping to have sent in the next couple of weeks. I think it's still kind of hard for me to believe that we're actually doing this... and I don't know if that's just because we haven't really announced it yet, or because we haven't allowed ourselves to jump in headfirst yet because of everything else going on... but it really is going to happen. By the way, I don't think I ever thanked you all for your input on my last post. It is so terribly hard to decide those things... and although it's true that if we had a biological baby with down's syndrome or something like that we wouldn't be able to choose that, I think that is part of the beauty of adoption... that you GET to choose your child. And for us, what it boils down to is the fact that we are going to be in a very busy ministry - we have no doubts that starting a church from scratch is going to be a very challenging and time-consuming work, and as much as we would love to be able to take in a child with special needs, that would without a doubt pull us away from our ministry at the church. If I were married to a man that was not a pastor, and felt that we had the means to provide for a special-needs baby, I would jump at the chance because that alone would be a unique ministry in and of itself. But we're not in that place. And we already have a huge ministry in the church. So with all that being said, we're going to be very careful in choosing... we didn't eliminate all options completely, but - well, we will definitely be praying carefully about each opportunity.
Along the adoption lines... I've been feeling a little bit like... we cheated. Like somehow, even though I know for sure that this is the right thing for us, that we somehow skipped over the worst part of infertility and somehow, that makes us less worthy to start an adoption... and to have hope. Like somehow, because we didn't go through with any major medical procedures or terribly invasive tests, that maybe we didn't hurt quite as badly as some of my fellow infertiles, and because of that I don't have the right to even be called a fellow infertile. Like somehow, despite the fact that we hurt, and cried, and questioned, and felt jealousy over others' pregnancies, and the list goes on, that we didn't do those things quite as deeply as other infertiles have, and somehow, by being able to "skip over" some of that hurt and grieving process, we're cheating by turning to adoption. It's a weird, weird feeling. Because like I said, I have no doubt that adoption IS right for us, and that we're ready to move on from fertility testing and treatments, and that I HAVE grieved for the biological children that we may never have... I don't know. I can't explain it. But I can't help that I do feel that way sometimes. I guess maybe what it comes down to is that I never want to lose the sense of community with fellow infertiles, the understanding that comes only from knowing how another woman is hurting... I don't ever want to forget the lessons we've learned through our journey, and although I am ready to look forward, to embrace the role of a mother... part of me never wants to let go of who I am... as an infertile. And since we moved through the process more quickly than most, maybe that's why I'm feeling this way. I guess I have to take the word of others who are already on "the other side" when they say that it will always be a part of who you are, no matter how many children you may go on to have or what your life becomes. Time will tell. Infertility is such a strange thing, isn't it?

I feel like such a bad friend...

2007-10-29T14:39:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been feeling like the friend who moves away and then never calls to see how you're doing or tells you how she's doing. Isn't that funny how your blog friends become real friends?You girls are my friends, and I miss it when I can't keep up with you!
Anyway - I have a question. How does one decide what is "acceptable" in a baby and what isn't? I mean, how in the world are my husband and I supposed to decide what we want to deal with as far as health problems, developmental delays, not knowing who the birthfather is, substance abuse during pregnancy, etc, etc, etc... how in the world does one decide these things? I mean, really. It's SO hard. We're working on filling out the initial paperwork, and that was one of the questions. The compassion in my heart says that I couldn't possibly turn ANY baby away - that that baby would need love just as much as a healthy one would - that everyone wants a healthy white baby and so I should leave those babies for others and take one that maybe someone else wouldn't want quite as much. But then there's the practical side of me that realizes that we don't have a whole lot of financial means to be able to provide some of the medical care that a baby like that might require... as well as not wanting to take more time away than necessary from the ministry that God has called us to here... ack - so many hard decisions. And then there's another part of my heart that would LOVE to adopt in so many other ways! There are children in the foster system that are just waiting for a forever family... there are children in orphanages in other parts of the world that need loving homes... there are embryos that will never be used for IVF that need a warm uterus :) ... seriously, I think if I could I'd have 25 kids - all from different birthmothers/fathers!

Wow.

2007-10-18T22:35:00.000-05:00

My sister is pregnant. My fellow-infertile sister. My hasn't-been-able-to-get-pregnant-for-10-years sister. Wow.
Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon excited for them, I mean who couldn't be? But I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel about it. So weird. We NEVER expected it! And when I say "we" I mean my sister and I,particularly, although really, after ten years, no one expected it. Part of me wants SO badly to be there with her for every single second of this, and another part of me is so incredibly glad we're a whole state away. It's so hard to process. I mean, they were waiting for an adoption. They were happy with that. Tired of waiting for a baby, but happy. And our adopted kids were going to have fellow-adopted cousins.
Well, one thing is for sure - that God's timing IS perfect, and they - and I - are SO sure of that. I know I don't need to question Him, and I really TRULY am so incredibly excited for them, but - well, it's change. And change in this whole infertility realm comes hard most of the time.
On a happier note, we are getting geared up for an adoption of our own! I got the number for the agency over here that most of the families in our church went through who adopted, so I'm going to give them a call and get some preliminary information. We had a talk with a sweet man in our church who has a huge heart for adoption (his adopted son is one of Troy's good friends from college) - and he told us that he'd be willing to pay the application fee if we need help getting started! We DO have the money for the application fee, but seriously, we were blown away by the fact that people who we hardly even know are willing to give us hundreds of dollars towards an adoption. Just another thing that made us absolutely sure of the fact that God DOES want us to adopt. So it was really just the nudge that we needed to get going with things. I'm getting excited thinking about it. I just want to be sure that we're not pushing the timing or anything - I mean, we don't have a house yet or anything - we don't even have 2 bedrooms right now! So I don't want to be stupid and jump into something we're not ready for, but at the same time I don't want to wait around too long when we KNOW it's what God wants us to do. And WE want it too! SIIIIIGH.... (that's a big sigh, if you couldn't tell :) and it's not like we're just sitting around twiddling our thumbs here either, you know? I mean, we're really so busy that I've thought less about it since we've moved here than I did - well, probably in the last 2 years. Not that I feel the lack of a family or children any less, but I guess we've just been preoccupied with getting to figure out exactly what our place is here and it becoming home to US, let alone bringing a new baby into the mix. But you know, with every day that goes by here I think we do get a little more ready for that. And I DO want it SO badly.
One thing that I know... God IS working in all the details of our lives, and I can trust Him to do what's best for us. That's such an awesome thing!

Blog Sweet Blog

2007-09-22T16:32:00.001-05:00

Is it possible that it's been almost a month since I've updated, and over a month that we've been here? It hardly seems like it. Unfortunately this is going to have to be a quickie post since the battery on the laptop is almost gone and Troy left the powercord at work. But I HAD to jump on here and just say hey... I miss my blog home. Things are soooo good here, but just not quite totally comfortable yet. Not that I thought they would be, but you know, I guess I'm looking forward to when they are. Sheesh, I wish I had more time. :) Maybe tomorrow.
Anyway - like I said things are good. Troy is just loving his job. They are having him preach and/or teach every Sunday, and keeping him involved in many other things - basically every aspect of being a pastor. And he's getting a lot of time to study, which he loves, so that is wonderful too.
Life has changed SO much for me. I have to admit that I am loving this whole stay-at-home-wife thing. Wish I had a couple little ones to chase around while I was here, but well, that will come. But I'm getting opportunities that I never would have imagined before. I got to substitute teach at the Christian school here - which was tons of fun, and I'm also getting so much more time to play the piano, which I am SO sad that I neglected in the past few years. I've lost so much of what I had! But hopefully I'll be able to get it back before too long. AND I'm taking violin lessons! That was a life-long dream that I'm now finally getting to pursue... wow. God is good.
I gotta run - battery's almost dead, but hopefully I can get on here again soon. Take care girls, I'm thinking of you!

Whew!

2007-09-06T21:55:00.001-05:00

We're officially Michiganders! For almost a week already! The move couldn't have gone better... despite having to get up at 3:30 am on Friday to make it through Chicago before rush hour traffic hit, it was worth it and we made great time even with a couple stops. Then as soon as the lease was signed and we got our keys, we were greeted by I'd say at least a dozen people from the church to help us unload and the truck was empty in probably 45 minutes flat. Not to mention they brought us enough food and household items to last us for the next 3 months! W have so much food we didn't know where we were going to put it all! Wow - we were just completely overwhelmed! Oh, and Troy's parents were able to come with us for the weekend, so by the time they left on Sunday afternoon we had a good chunk of the unpacking done. As I sit here in the livingroom now, there are just a few boxes left sitting around me to be either put in storage or gotten rid of... the decorations are all up... the bedroom and bathroom are completely done... and I think I could probably tell you were most everything is. :) We're feeling very blessed.
They gave Troy this entire week off to get things settled here and do all the running and calling around that we need to like for car insurance, medical insurance, car licenses, bank accounts, etc, etc, etc. And it's been so nice to have this time together. We're thinking from here on out he's going to be VERY busy, so we're treasuring the time. We've discovered the glory of Meijer (we didn't have any by us before, and now there's one right down the street), and just today we found a little jewel of a mall - well actually it's a big one, but anyway, we enjoyed that for a few hours this afternoon. :) It's been fun.
Wow, what else? Sunday night we got to go over to one of the couples' houses that has adopted 2 kids and are waiting on the 3rd... so we got to grill them a little bit more about all the ins and outs of the process here. They gave us some good tips and I think it will be SO good to have several families to talk to about it. It makes me so excited to think about it.
We just LOVE the church. Every time we're there, or spend time with the people, the other pastors and their families, we just are so thankful to the Lord for bringing us here. It's just that the Spirit is SO evidently alive in this work and in the peoples' hearts... they have such a joy and excitement about serving God. Troy and I were talking about how busy all the pastors are, and yet they don't seem to be upset about it or burnt out at all, in fact, it's quite the opposite. They LOVE what they're doing. We know that we're young, and naive, and God still has SO much to teach us, but we're so excited about this opportunity. Oh, and our last Sunday at our old church was a sweet time as well. They had taken up an offering for us, and it was so obvious that they loved us and would miss us. It was a wonderful send-off.
Oh, there's so much more I'm sure I could say, but I just can't think of it all. I've been thinking about you girls and hope everyone is well... hopefully I can do a little catching up after this, and I'll try to be better about keeping up, even if I'm not on every day like I was before. Life is going to do a complete 180 for us, I think.
Life is crazy... but God is SO good!

Last day of work...

2007-08-24T14:53:00.000-05:00

... and boy, I didn't expect it to be this hard. I'm looking forward to being done with the goodbyes.
Moving is tough. And busy.
...hopefully I'll be able to get a better update on here next week.

"their hearts... being knit together in love"

2007-08-17T13:11:00.001-05:00

When Troy and I first got married, I really honestly thought that I loved him SO much then. Well, I did, but at the time, as you can all relate I’m sure, I had a hard time imagining being able to love someone more than I did at that moment. I heard that your love grows even more the longer you’re together, but, well, I guess I had a little bit of a hard time believing it. I didn’t understand how someone who had been married for much longer could say that they were more in love with their husband than I was with mine, when looking at us, OBVIOUSLY I loved mine more. I loved the way things were. We were giggly, couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and just… having fun.
It’s been four very full years. And we’ve had many, many ups and downs already in those four years. Not within our marriage, but together. You know, life. And there have been times when I thought my heart would explode with love for him, and other times when, frankly, I wasn’t feeling so incredibly loving towards him.
Yesterday something happened. Something between just the two of us… but it was something big. Something absolutely vital to moving forward in our relationship. See, something had happened early on in our marriage that hurt me. And I responded completely in the wrong way. I got angry, and closed myself off to him for a time. It got better with time, as all things do, but was never totally, completely resolved. So since that happened, it was like there was this unwritten, unspoken line that we just didn’t cross. And, even though I didn’t really realize it, it was hindering our relationship. Well, yesterday the line was crossed. And we talked about it. Cried about it together. Hugged, talked, and cried more. And after all was said and done, I can hardly even explain the way our hearts felt knit together. I can HONESTLY say that I’ve never felt closer to my husband. Never have I felt so much love – true love – for him. And the air was so clear between us. There was nothing to keep us at arms’ distance from each other, even though I didn’t realize that it had even been that way until after the fact. And it got me to thinking again, as I have thought before, about love, and how it works in a marriage. As I said before, I’ve heard it said that love grows with a relationship. That “I love you more every day” mentality. But is that really how it works? I mean, really. Every day, are you supposed to “feel” more love towards a person? From our relationship so far, and from what I’ve observed, there are times in a relationship when yes, things are wonderful and feel so good and everything is love and roses. But then, there are other times when that dies down a bit, and things aren’t necessarily so peachy… but after you’ve gone through a time like that, stuck it out, and looking back at it from the other side, you realize that NOW you love that person so much more than what you did before. And the feelings that come along with that are amazing. There’s kind of an ebb and flow. Not in a bad way, though. Because it might take the lower times to make the higher times that much higher. I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all, but I guess just going through this, and thinking about how absolutely perfect things feel right now, and thinking about the past, as well as wondering about the future, I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s not so much an “I love you so much more today than I did yesterday” thing, but more importantly it’s that underlying commitment that, no matter what, good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, etc etc etc, you’re going to keep loving them. Whether you feel especially like it or not.
I don’t know, maybe this is old news to someone who’s been married a lot longer. I guess it’s just that when I’ve heard other people say that their love has grown so much over the years I automatically assumed that meant that they woke up thinking “I love him so much more today than I did yesterday” – when really, that might not be the case… but when you have been together for years and years, and THEN look back at your relationship, you think, “Wow, I love him SO much more than I did back then.”
I was running this thought process past my husband, and he totally agreed with me. And he took it a step farther, and said that a lot of times, that’s how our relationship is with Christ. There are times in our lives when we feel so close to Him. Things are good, He is blessing, and we just feel like things couldn’t be better. And then we go through a tough time. And wonder, is He there? Does He care that I’m going through this? Why doesn’t it feel like He loves me right now? And then, coming out the trial, you can look back and see that He was working in such a real, obvious way the entire time, and then you learn to love and trust Him even more than you did before. It’s amazing to me that the marriage relationship is so much like my walk with God. And a lot of times, the two seem to go hand in hand, like when one relationship isn’t good, the other isn’t so good either. So much of BOTH relationships is about being selfless. Putting God first. Putting my husband’s needs/wants first. And even though so many people say that the only way to true happiness is putting yourself and your desires first, I’m finding that the more I do that, the more miserable I am.
I don’t know. I realize that there is SO much more that I have yet to learn. But my hope and prayer is that I WILL keep on learning these things. About marriage. About God. About myself. About life. And maybe, just maybe, somewhere along the way, I’ll be able to look back and say Wow, I love my God and my husband SO much more now than I did then. And in just the littlest way, that might make me feel like I was doing something right.

…
…

As for somewhat of an update… Troy saw the urologist yesterday (they knew we are moving so they got him in sooner than the original appt on the 27th – so nice), and they are going to have to run some more tests before we have any definitive answers. The Dr didn’t find anything in the exam, but he did have some elevated hormones that might indicate something - something good. So now we’re trying to decide how much we want to do now, and how much we want to just wait until we’re over there and don’t have to run the risk of doing any tests twice. Since the tests are not very fun ones, right now we’re leaning towards the idea of waiting till we’ve moved. Then we also just today started tossing around the idea of starting an adoption as soon as we can after we’ve moved, and then maybe after we had that baby, pursue fertility treatments again. So much to think about. And we’ve only got 2 weeks left here. Crazy. I couldn’t have imagined my life being this way 5 years ago. I mean, this is the stuff adults deal with. Moving. Infertiltiy. Ministry. Change. Deeper relationships. I’m not an adult, am I? Really? When did that happen?

We have an address!

2007-08-14T13:06:00.000-05:00

...and the packing has officially commenced! I got the first two boxes packed last night! The search this weekend went very smoothly, which we were so incredibly thankful for, since we ended up arriving later than we had originally intended to. So we had a 3 1/2 hour window to find something on Saturday afternoon. Exciting, right? Well, I began to think it was going to be stressful, especially when we showed them the apartments we had found online and they didn't think that the areas that they were in were the best neighborhoods. But they did mention that they thought the apartment across the hall from their daughter and son-in-law was still available (it had just been moved out of when we were there in June)... so would we be interested in that? And of course we were, so we took a look, and liked it immediately. It's nothing fancy, just a small one bedroom apartment, but the price was beautiful (which really has a lot to do with our decision right now!), and we knew that we'd have at least one set of good neighbors. :) So we wanted to check out one other place down the street from that, and when we got there we discovered that it was very comparable in size and everything else, but was more expensive and didn't have a dishwasher (and the first one did). So Troy and I decided that we really didn't think we'd find anything else for as good a price as the first one, and since we really liked the idea of getting to know R and J better, we decided to go with it. So we filled out the application and other paperwork and yesterday the landlady called to let us know that we were approved. So, we have a home!
While we were over there this last weekend it really started to become more real to us that this was really going to happen and that, unlike that weekend, in a few weeks we wouldn't be going "home." We will BE home. It's kind of a strange feeling when you've lived in one place your entire life and are trying to grasp the idea of a completely unfamiliar place being home. It's kind of sad. And hard. All the familiarity will be gone. The comfort. The carefree lifestyle of NOT being "Pastor Troy" and "Mrs. B", but just Troy and Cherie. The closeness of family. And add to that the decision to start an adoption, and we're going to start feeling like we don't know who we are anymore! It will be strange, but good. Every time we visit the church there we just feel so very blessed by the people in it. We know that God is doing this thing in our lives, and are confident that "He who began a good work... will complete it" in us. And, you know, I have to look at the bright side and say that the convenience of shopping will be wonderful! We live in smalltown, USA right now, so the nearest Target, or even Walmart, is a good 30-35 minute drive away. When we move, we'll probaby be able to pass at least 10 Walmarts/Targets in a 30-35 minute drive from our apartment. Crazy. So that part will be fun. We're already looking forward to people coming to visit, and I'm also hoping to get in touch with a cousin of mine who lives in the area who I haven't talked to in probably at least 10 years. And of course the ministry. We are so looking forward to being able to pour ourselves into a ministry, as well as just watch, grow, and learn from the people that will be over us there. It's exciting. I'm so looking forward to seeing Troy thrive in a position like the one he will have there as well. He's been waiting almost his whole life for this opportunity, and God has been using so many things in his life to prepare him for it. I can't wait to see what He is going to do through my husband.
Aaaghh! Less than 3 weeks!

An anniversary to remember

2007-08-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was #4 for Troy and I. I can hardly believe it’s been 4 years already… and yet, at the same time, SO much has happened in those 4 years that it almost seems like it’s been longer. But this anniversary was definitely a memorable one. We had our follow up appointment with the RE, and, well, basically the news wasn’t good.
My eggs are fine. If we could get them to come out of my ovaries, then we’d be good to go. They said the only problem they really found with me was that I have the insulin resistance thing going on, which is probably the cause of my hormones being out of whack. And the metformin should hopefully take care of that. So I have to keep taking that regularly and hopefully my cycles will regulate. The news about Troy wasn’t as good. He still has to see the urologist, which is set up for the 27th, but even after that, they told us that we’re probably looking at IVF to be our best/only option. Previous to yesterday's appointment, we had already decided that due to money and other reasons, we really don’t want to mess with IVF. So yesterday, on our 4th anniversary, we basically had to come to terms with the fact that we might not ever have biological children. And now you can understand why it was one that we won’t soon forget.
But strangely enough… we’re okay with it. I know it is nothing short of the grace of God that has made me able to accept this news without even shedding a tear… but even though it’s not totally sure yet, I feel like this way, after we see the urologist, we can have the closure that we need to move forward. I have no idea why God has chosen to work this way in our lives, but really, I have no doubts that God IS working through this. And I do know that I am very excited at the prospective idea of adoption, and already we’re talking about some of the many things that we will need to think about and discuss before all is said and done. We’re excited. At peace. God is good.

As for our vacation, it was wonderful. I don’t have pictures here, but hopefully next week I’ll be able to post some. We forgot our camera in Phoenix, so we ended up buying a new one in Denver because I couldn’t possibly have NOT taken pictures while we were in the mountains. It was SO beautiful. We went up to Pike’s Peak, which was absolutely amazing, and went into downtown Denver, went shopping, went to Garden of the Gods and did some hiking around there… and did a lot of relaxing, swimming, watching tv…you know, vacationy type things. It was wonderful, it really was. Just what we needed. And this afternoon we’re headed to Indiana – we’re going to meet up with some friends and stay in Ft. Wayne for the night, and then head to MI tomorrow to HOPEFULLY find a place to live. We’ll only have Saturday afternoon/evening to find a place, so I’d appreciate any prayers I can get that we will be able to find a place.

And that’s all I have time for. Duty calls… I’ve been gone from work for a week… my desk has lots of little piles that are calling me. Happy Friday ladies!

Excited!

2007-07-31T10:06:00.001-05:00

We're only a couple days away from our vacation and I'm getting so excited! It will be so great to see Susie again! And then a few days for just the 2 of us in Denver after that! Awesome!
So sometime between now and when we leave at 4 AM on Thursday I need to:
- get my hair cut
- go tanning one more time (trying to get rid of these horrid tan lines!)
- go shopping for a wedding gift
- wrap said gift
- put the finishing touches on the game for the shower (thanks Mrs M!)
- wrap shower gift
- call my brother to see if he can pick us up from the airport next Wednesday
- book our hotel and rental car for Denver (I KNOW! Talk about last minute!)
- do laundry
- pack!
- make up some good notes to leave at work for payroll to be run while I'm gone
- get a lesson ready and teach my kids on Weds night
- make some appointments on Rent.com to look at apartments when we're in MI
Aaaggh! I just might go crazy before we leave! And to top it off, we'll be getting home late next Wednesday night, and I have to work on Thursday morning, followed by our "What's Next" appointment with the RE, then I'll work Friday morning, and Friday afternoon we'll be leaving for Michigan to try to find an apartment, and not returning home until late Sunday night! What a whirlwind! So needless to say I won't be on here much in the next week and a half or so. We'll see if maybe I can update when we're in Denver, but I'm not counting on it. And hopefully next Friday I can fill you all in on the follow up app't with the RE...

Yay, I'm so excited!

Life... as I see it right now

2007-07-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm finding that it's really hard to think about anything but our infertility lately. I don't like that. Yes, it is a huge part of who we are - right now - but... I just don't want it to dominate everything. I don't know if I'm in denial, or just that I want to be MORE than my reproductive organs at any given moment... but it's just so... consuming. There's just so many things to think about. The money... the timing/planning... the what if's... the hopes/possibilities... the tests/procedures... the ethical issues... the medications... it never ends. How could it not be consuming? But there are so many other good things that I could be focusing my energies on right now. I mean geez, I haven't even started packing for the move yet. I still have to figure out what I'm giving my best friend for her wedding next weekend. I need to find a few more things for her shower before we go. I've got a group of young girls that are in need of some positive mentoring, a class full of energetic 3-6 year olds that I get to teach once a week, just wanting love and attention, and all I can think about is my inability to conceive.

I need to find the balance in this. I need to figure out where to draw the line between being overly consumed by it, and pushing it under the rug and hoping it goes away. Well, I don't think the latter will be a problem - but I really feel like I need to figure out how much it's healthy to think about this stuff and how much I just need to let go of. There's so much more to my life - so much more that I could be doing to bring God glory right now than just focusing on myself and my lack of children. I need to find the balance. Or at least I need to stop stressing about it - I've got some nasty cold sores to show for it.

Contrary to what it may seem, I HAVE been doing a little bit more than just sitting around thinking about all this. Last night my sister and I went shopping because I'm helping throw my friend a shower when we're in Phoenix next weekend... so I'm in charge of decorations. Since my friend is Vietnamese and she's marrying a Chinese guy, we decided to go with an Asian theme. I saw this idea online and loved it:

but they were $10 apiece and I didn't have enough time to order them anyway (oh, and also keep in mind that we're flying there, and then going on vacation after that)... so we went to Michaels and I found these:only in "frost" - so they're transparent - for 79 cents apiece! So I'm going to do some groupings of a big one and a few little ones with candles and colored glass marbles in them - they look really cute! - and scatter them around on the tables and stuff. I hope it will come together okay - I also found these paper lanterns at a party store:

so I hope those bring a little more "Asian" flavor. We're going to get some Vietnamese snacks while we're out there, too... and now all that I'm missing is a game. I've been looking like crazy and nothing is jumping out at me... although I do like the idea of the bubble gum/marshmallow game that Mrs. M used. That's the one I'm leaning towards unless something else comes to me. Any other suggestions?

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. I'm so glad it's Friday... less than a week till vacation! Woo hoo!

Crap. Crap, crap, crap.

2007-07-25T17:02:00.001-05:00

That's what this is. Had my HSG today - and my last blood draw for the clomid challenge test - and Troy's first SA. For one, my nightmare of a glucose-test was not for nothing - I DO have insulin problems, so I'll be starting on Metformin (for PCOS) sometime late this week or next week. Ugh. I've heard horror stories about that stuff.
The HSG went fine... after they finally let my husband come back with me. I first asked the ladies at the reception area if he could come with me, and they said no, so I was a little surprised - and preturbed. So then I asked the nurse, and she said she'd check with the Dr but it should be fine. And of course it was fine with the Dr, so the sweet little old ladies at the front desk in the radiology department just didn't know what they were talking about. So he came back when I was already on the table and held my hand the entire time - such a sweetie - and it really wasn't all that bad. It hurt, but compared to last week's nightmare, it was comparatively better. The RE even said I was tough and handled it better than most. :)
Then this afternoon the nurse called to give Troy his results from the SA.
And it's bad. Really bad. I'm just numb. This is totally NOT what we were expecting. And it sucks. He called me right after he got off the phone with the nurse, and I just cried. Because this is crap and we're going to have to do that much MORE before being able to have a baby... crying for my husband because he feels like a failure... ugh.
This is complete crap.
So now we're trying to sort through everything - feelings, plans. He's going to get tested again right away to see if it's any better - but if not he's going to have to go to the urologist - and from there, maybe even surgery. Which affects everything. The move, specifically.
I just don't know what to do. And I can't stop crying. And I feel SO bad for Troy. Ugh. Guess I'm not so tough after all.

A whole lot of infertility crap to follow

2007-07-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

Testing yesterday really wasn't bad at all - but wasn't all that good, either. I had 4 blood draws to begin with, which was fine - I don't mind being stuck - after which I had to drink the nasty orange stuff. It went down fine - I drank it fast to get it over with, and it really wasn't all that bad.

So I had my ulrasound, and the RE said everything looked really good and healthy - ovaries, check - no cysts. Uterus, check - the only thing she asked was if I was still bleeding, and how heavy, so I told her I WAS still bleeding, and yes it was pretty heavy, but I didn't really think anything of it at the time. Then I had to wait an hour till the first post-yucky-orange-drink blood draw, which went fine, and then in the second hour wait, I started to get REALLY. BAD. CRAMPS. So after they did the second post-yucky-orange-drink blood draw, I asked for some ibuprofen or something, which they were more than happy to hook me up with. Well, as I was on my way out I stopped to ask the receptionist a question, and I started to feel SOOOO dizzy, so I kind of squatted down, just hoping not to pass out, and started to feel a little better - but they called the nurse out and she had me go lay down for a bit. She said that sometimes people "crash" after taking the sugar drink because I guess your body sometimes overcompensates for the sugar overdose with insulin. And lucky lucky me got to be one of those people. So the nurse laid me down, brought me some Sprite and graham crackers and told me to try and eat them to get some sugar back in my system. So I laid down fully expecting to start feeling better, only to start feeling worse. I ended up tossing my cookies - and laid there for another 45 minutes or so because I was feeling so crappy - the cramps were just horrible, and I was afraid to take the ibuprophen because I didn't want to put something like that in my already-upset stomach. So finally I just got tired of laying there and figured if I could just make the almost-hour drive home, I could do this laying around stuff much more comfortably there. So I got myself together and as I was leaving the RE and the nurse were there - so when I mentioned the REALLY bad cramps - they thought it was weird, and didn't know how it was related - but the RE did mention that my lining was still really thick on my uterus, which I'm sure is why she had asked about my period when she was doing the u/s. So I still have no idea what the cramps had to do with anything, but for some reason that stuff aggrevated something in me enough to make me a pretty miserable person until I finally got some sleep when I got home.

So that was it. What should have been a simple blood-draw appointment ended up being a rather unpleasant experience, to say the least. Ugh, my body just does not handle stuff well. I mean, anesthesia makes me sicker than a dog, now I know this stuff makes me sick, and if I'm in a lot of pain I'm bound to pass out or throw up. Yeah, I don't make a very good not-healthy person. Ugh. Kind of scared to see what would happen if I actually DO get pregnant some day, lol! I'll miss the whole birth because I'll be up-chucking the whole time. Fun.

So...***Warning, possbile TMI to follow!***
...when she said that about my lining still being really thick, it made me wonder if that's how it always is. Because normally my periods are super light and I don't really have any red blood, it's all just brown spotting - so even though it sucks because it lasts SO long, I really don't get rid of that much blood. Then every once in awhile - like maybe a couple times a year (which happens to be this month) I'll have a REALLY heavy period - like my body is getting rid of 6 months' worth of lining rather than just one month's. So now I'm wondering if that's another part of the problem. How do you fix that? I spoze if I'm ovulating like I should be then other things will be more likely to do what they're supposed to... like it does when I'm on clomid. It'll be interesting to see what the results show. Troy's going to be doing his testing next week, too, when I get the HSG done, so hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll have some clear-cut answers. And I'm so looking forward to that. Oh, and I'm going on clomid this month too for the "clomid challenge test" - which she told me I'd be doing, although I couldn't even tell you off hand what it's supposed to tell them. But hey, I'm not going to pass up the chance to get knocked up this month if I ovulate! ;)
***End of TMI :)***

And then when I was there for my two hour marathon glucose-testing, I saw a few other couples and ladies come in and out, and I started to think. About them. About us. About all the girls/couples I know that have been affected by infertility. And how it just sucks. It sucks that I know the hurt that they're dealing with, it sucks that they or I have to hurt at all. It sucks that we all have SO much hope, and that, unlike the cute couple that came in who had just found out they were pg with twins, some of us will never get to experience that. True, with treatment, a lot of couples finally DO get their dream, but some never do. Some go on to realize and experience the awesomeness of adoption, but some... some will always have empty arms. Some will be the aunt and uncle who spoil all of the nieces and nephews because they never had a child to call theirs. Some will always have that hole. I don't know. I know that it's all for a reason, to a certain extent. That there's sin and crap in the world that happens not because God makes it that way but because we have made it that way by all the bad stuff we've done - like the domino affect. I guess I just wish there were more I could do. To either understand why it happens so that I could comfort people, or just make it go away. Sometimes I just wish I could tug on God's ear a little bit and ask Him to make it so that not so many couples had to deal with it, like the ones that REALLY, REALLY want it. *big sigh* I don't know. I just know that I still hope that someday I'll be able to have my husband's baby - a little product of us. I know that adoption is awesome, and special, and that I will be able to love an adopted baby just as much as one that I gave birth to, and it really wouldn't be my second choice. I'm beyond that... we DO plan on adopting someday... but you know, sometimes I just can't help but desire that little boy or girl with my husband's big brown eyes.

****EDIT****
After reading this post over again, I just want to say that I didn't mean for it to be a "oh poor me" or "my life sucks" type of post. We do have SO many good things going on right now, and I'm thankful for SO much that God has blessed us with. I'm GLAD to have gotten started with the testing and although I'm not going to say it was pleasant, it wasn't horrid, so I really don't have much to complain about. Just throwing that out there for the record, because, you know, God is good - ALL the time. :)

Ugh

2007-07-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

My period came today, which means that I will finally be able to get on with testing. Good, right? But it also means that I’m NOT pregnant… which I was so sure I wasn’t… but somehow I had allowed a little glimmer of hope sneak in. I’m almost sure I ovulated, so somewhere in there I let myself think that maybe finally God was telling us it was the right time. But no. Not yet. So now I’m feeling pretty crappy, to say the least. Trying not to cry here at my desk. I mean, I’m glad we’re going to get to test now, but seriously. How can I get excited about THAT when the alternative would have been to be pregnant? Ugh.
And I heard that a cousin of mine who’s 20 and totally not taking life seriously right now got knocked up by her boyfriend. And I know that my BIL who just got married last weekend has plans to try right away, and of course they’ll have no problems. And I wanted to give Troy the first grandbaby. That sounds totally selfish, but his brother was the first grandchild on both sides, so he has always been the favorite. And I’m not just saying that. He really is. So if Troy could have had the first great-grandchild… sigh. All these little hopes and dreams.
It just doesn’t make sense at all. I really wish I could understand the reason behind who has to suffer with infertility and who doesn’t. Because sometimes I can’t help but think that someone else could learn a whole lot more from it than I am learning. Yes, I’m learning a lot, but someone else might be able to learn that a baby is something to not take for granted – to cherish and adore and love and spend time with and cuddle and play with and sing to – not an inconvenience to be disposed of. It hurts me to even think that. And yet it happens. Sigh. Infertility sucks.
So I called the clinic and they said they’d get back to me after they looked up my file. Well I called over an hour ago – how long does it take to look up a file?? Sheesh.
So other than my day today, our weekend was good. Spent a lot of time with both sides of the family – which we’re trying squeeze in a lot of before we go. And that was about it. Troy helped his dad roof their garage on Saturday and could hardly walk on Sunday – so that was entertaining. :) Terrible, I know – really, I felt bad for him, but it was a little funny watching him hobble around like an old man. Oh, such a bad little wife I am.
Did I mention here that we booked our airline tickets for August? We opted against the road trip, although it would have been fun, and decided instead to do a 3-way flight – so from Thursday to Saturday we’ll be in Phoenix for the wedding, and then Sunday to Wednesday we’ll be in Denver. Anyone have any good suggestions as to what to do/where to go while we’re there? We’re going to rent a car I think. I know for sure we want to go to Garden of the Gods, but other than that I think we’re pretty directionless. But we’re excited. It’ll be our first time seeing the Rockies.
And by the way thanks for the suggestions on bedding – I didn’t even think to try TJ Maxx – I think I’m going to do that this week!
That's all I've got for now. I'm feeling better now that I got that out of my system and moved on to other things... it just doesn't get easier month-to-month like you think it would. Oh well, someday we'll have our family...

Stinking AF

2007-07-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

Dang! The one stinking time I want my stinking period to come, it just stinking won't! Grr! It's stinking cycle day 28 which for me would normally, any other cycle, mean that stinking AF would be here by now. But no. It's like my stinking body knows that I'm just waiting for it to stinking come and is purposely NOT stinking cooperating. I've had stinking cramps all week, so I know it's on its way but GRR... I'm so stinking tired of waiting. I don't know if I O'd or not for sure, but I tested yesterday to make stinking sure I wasn't pregnant, and no, of course I'm stinking not. :P I'm so stinking sick of this! I just want to stinking get on with the stinking testing, already!
We were planning on going to Virginia this coming weekend to check out the seminary there with another couple-friend, but opted against it since we might need to be here for testing... which doesn't look like it's going to happen now. But we figured it was probably better that we didn't go anyway since we were doing it more out of obligation than anything else since we're obviously not going to be moving to VA to go to seminary in light of recent happenings. So - since I'm going to have a little extra vacation time, we decided to go ahead and make a trip out of the Arizona wedding in August. We're going to fly, not do the roadtrip like we were considering, but we're going to fly to Denver after the wedding and spend a few days there. Fun! I'm pretty excited about that. :) Something to look forward to for sure.
They announced my leaving/job opening at work on Monday. :( I'm really not looking forward to training someone for my job. Wish I could just pick it up and take it with me. But alas. Better things are to come! It's kind of nice to hear people say that they'll miss you too, you know? It's like people's true sentiments for you become so much more obvious when you leave someplace. Isn't that wierd? I mean, good or bad, you really have no doubt how people feel about you by their reaction to the news that you're leaving for good. It's kind of interesting. It's been good where I work - I really will miss this place. The president himself came and congratulated Troy and I personally and wanted to let me know that if I need a reference for a job over there, to not hesitate to use the bank because they'd give me a good word. Aw. How sweet. OK, I'm borderline tooting my own horn here, and I'm not trying to do that, but I guess it's just kind of nice to know that you're appreciated, you know? Anyway. Enough of that.
What else? I guess my life is pretty predictable at this point.
We've been going through closets and stuff trying to decide what to get rid of and what to keep. That's always fun.
We can't get our 1-year old cat Isi to stop peeing in the hallway. :P Thank God it's not our house. Does anyone have any tricks to get it to stop? We think she smelled a spot where a previous tenant's cat did it, and then it was like fair game. We've tried just about everything, and it's just getting worse. We may have to get rid of her. :( She has been not-so-affectionately dubbed "Whizzy."
I'm going to get together with my sister and SIL tonight! I want to do this as much as possible in the next month and a half!
We have decided on August 24th as my last day of work. Troy will probably work one more week, and we'll most likely be moving September 1st. Whew! Coming fast!
Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a new bed set? I want a new comforter and shams and bed skirt before we move but I don't want to pay an arm and a leg. I've been looking at Kohls and Bed Bath and Beyond and Linens N Things' websites. Any other suggestions?
Ooo! Ooo! I got a breadmaker yesterday at a thrift store for $3!!! And it works! So I'm going to clean it up really good tonight and start making some bread! Yes!
Hmm. Guess that's about it. :) Time to run! Chicken for supper tonight!

The weekend in pictures (and a few extras thrown in)

2007-07-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

Well, the wedding turned out really nice. I honestly wasn't too sure to begin with because when we went to help decorate the hall on Friday morning, the other bridesmaids that were there to help were... I don't know, a little less than nice (I didn't know any of them except the bride's sister). So I wasn't really expecting it to be a whole lot of fun, but eventually they warmed up a little bit, and the bridesmaid that I stood next to ended up to be really fun, so it was good. And Troy did great! Did I mention that he did the ceremony? Well, originally he thought he was just going to be doing the challenge to the couple, but on Friday night when we got to the wedding chapel, they basically turned the whole thing over to him! So he did everything but the vows and rings, and it went really well. I was so proud of him. :) He was so nervous because for one it was his first wedding, but also because it was his brother, and if he messed anything up there was a lot more pressure, you know? But he did great.

Other than Saturday, we spent a lot of time with the family that had come for the wedding, oh, and we tried not to DIE from the heat. It was so hot! But we kept telling ourselves that at least it wasn't raining.
We didn't get a whole lot of pictures because the camera batteries died pretty early on, and I forgot to grab our extras, but we did get a few nice ones. And I plan to order some from Tim and Louisa (BIL and SIL). So here are some of the ones we did get. We went to a park after the wedding to get pictures - it's actually a kind of wildlife reserve - like acres and acres of marsh land. Anyway - here we go:

My hubs and I:

The Bride and Groom (I kind of caught them off-guard!):

The brothers (l to r: Troy, Tim [oldest], and Keith [youngest]):

Tim and Louisa with the B parents and grandparents:

The wedding party (that's me on the far left):

The girls and the groom:

Self portrait! (can you tell how hot we were? Sheesh!):

...and, that's right about where the camera died. :(

But that's about all I've got time for right now anyway - I'll leave you with a few other pictures that have been riding around in my camera for the last couple of months. :)

Troy and I on our last boat outing - fun!:

Golfing last week:

Happy Monday ladies!

Odds and Ends

2007-07-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

Sounds like everyone had a fabulous 4th of July! We had a nice day - we did a cookout with his parents and then spent a little time with mine, and then hit the local fireworks show, which was actually really good! It was a nice relaxing day. Tuesday night we had planned to meet a friend of mine and her fiance for dinner about an hour from home, so we decided on an impulse to spend the night there since it would be late by the time we got home, and well, we just like doing impulsive one-night getaways sometimes. And since (*tears*) it's looking like we probably won't be going on the cruise in light of the move to Michigan. We're okay with it, I mean it's definitley a sacrifice we're willing to make. But it's still a bummer. So we were thinking that a few weekend getaways over the summer would have to suffice. Then today we were talking about my best friend Susie's upcoming wedding in August, and trying to decide if we wanted to bite the bullet and pay for airfare for both of us to go... and then we came up with the fabulous idea to make a road trip out of it! Ahhh! I don't know yet if it's going to happen, but I just think it would be so much fun! Crazy, but fun! So I did a whole lot of mapquesting today (yes, I've been VERY productive at work :) and came up with a possible itinerary that we're going to discuss tonight! It's like 2,000 miles one way guys! Crazy! But I really hope it works. In the grand scheme of things it will be more expensive than it would be to fly, but at least this way it would be a TRIP, not just a quick weekend. So we'll see what happens... I'll keep ya posted.

Not sure what's going on in my body the past couple of days (what else is new?). It's cd21 and I've had sore-ish boobs and some pain that could possibly (??) be ovulation, but then, I just don't really know. I haven't been temping (what's the point when it's constantly hovering around 97?) and I don't have any OPKs at the moment so I'm really in the dark - but I know for a fact that it's doing something that isn't typical, so I can hope for the best, can't I? So we've been doing it like horny little teenagers just in case, lol. :) I think I'll temp tomorrow morning to see if it's higher than usual.

I won't be around for the remainder of the week/weekend because of my BIL's wedding. Should be fun - lots of family coming, and it's supposed to be a beautiful weekend weather-wise. I'll hopefully post some pictures on Monday!

THE ANSWER IS IN!

2007-07-02T16:34:00.000-05:00

And it looks like we’re going to Michigan! We are SO excited! They called last night to let us know that the deacons voted to bring us in… and extended the call to us. Wow. This is REALLY going to happen!

A couple of things that that we learned after talking to Pastor M last night:

-> They apparently do not want me to work. They feel that it is just as important that I be preparing for this as much as Troy is, so I won’t need to worry about looking for a job over there. They want me to work on getting as involved as I possibly can, improving my piano skills specifically so that I can use that when the new church is started.
-> Because of aforementioned lack of working, they took that into consideration when they made up the budget. It’ll still be substantially less than what we’ve gotten used to bringing in since Troy’s been done with school, but we’ll be taken care of. I don’t think they’ll let us starve. :)
-> They were again more than understanding about our infertility situation. They want us to do as much as we can to get a family started as soon as we can, and are willing to wait for us to do what we need to here before moving over there. That put our minds at ease SO much, and gave us even more peace about the entire situation. God is so good.
-> They wanted us to know that they are eager to have us come, but are also aware that we have things going on here that we need to wrap up before moving. So Troy’s going to call him back tonight with our answer (YES!) and get a time-frame worked out. It looks like it’ll probably be mid-late August. I’m thinking more on the late side of things, since we’ve got our big youth camping activity planned for mid-August, and we want to be here for that. You know, kind of the last big hurrah with the youth group.
-> I can’t believe this is actually happening! We prayed together about it last night and both felt so much peace. God is DEFINITELY the One doing this, and that gives us such assurance that it is the right thing for us. It’s such a faith-growing experience to see Him working in all the little details of our lives! We are in awe.
-> PRAY that we can find an apartment without a problem… they informed us that if worst comes to worst, we can put our things in storage and stay with them for a little while. And although that wouldn’t be HORRIBLE, well, you know. Living in another person’s house just wouldn’t exactly be ideal. Oy!
-> They’re going to pay for all of our moving expenses! One less thing to worry about!

God pointed something out to me yesterday, and I have to share it because it’s been something that I’ve been struggling with, well, for a LONG time. Basically since I knew I was going to marry Troy, which if you know our story, was quite a long time ago. Troy has felt called to be a pastor since he was a little boy. And I was thinking about this whole being a pastor’s wife thing again, and wondering why God couldn’t have called Troy to be just a deacon or regular ole’ layperson who loves to serve God while holding down a regular full-time job…you know, like most people out there. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I love to be comfortable in my Christian life. Yes, I love God, and I want to serve Him, I really really do. But I would be more than happy with the thought of just staying minimally involved at church and just being luke-warm in my relationship with God. And He has told us that He is not okay with that. He wants red-hot Christians. He wants me to be learning more about Him all the time, excited about serving Him and jumping at every chance to do something for Him. And being in full-time ministry is going to keep me accountable that way. Sure, I can be a Pastor’s wife and not be totally sold out for Him, but it would be WAY easier as a regular old church attend-er to be that way. And as a pastor’s wife, I will basically be getting paid to get to know God and His Word better. Of course, there’s more to the job than that, but seriously there’s so much more accountability there in the position that I will be in. It was truly a revelation for me. He knows that I need that higher accountability, because otherwise it would be WAY too easy to let my relationship with Him get stagnant. He is SO wise. Since my eyes were opened to that fact, it has been transforming for me. Before I was looking at this with great fear and trepidation, but now I am truly excited at the thought of getting to have a close walk with God and it being expected of me. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I am so thankful that He pointed it out to me. He has been teaching us so much already just in the one month since this whole adventure started, and I am truly so excited to see what He has yet to teach us.

Michigan, here we come!

No answer yet

2007-06-29T15:27:00.001-05:00

So you've been on pins and needles, right? I know, I know! Me too! Pastor M never called on Wednesday, so we thought that last night we'd finally get our answer. But still. no. call. Aaack! I was seriously going crazy! So Troy called him this afternoon, and come to find out the deacons weren't able to get together to vote on Wednesday... so now Sunday is the big day. But again when Troy talked to him this afternoon Pastor reiterated that he really believes that this is going to happen and he wants us to plan in that direction. So that set my mind at ease a bit. But now Sunday will be the vote, and hopefully we'll know sometime on Sunday night, but Monday for sure. Ahhh. Finally. But I'm so glad Troy called him this afternoon because now I can enjoy our weekend without jumping every time the phone rings! It's good.

So tonight we're going golfing... Saturday will be probably fishing in the morning for Troy and then we're going with my friend A and her husband and 2 adoreable kids to the zoo! Seriously I haven't been to the zoo since probably Jr High so I'm really excited! In fact I think I'm as excited about it as their 4 year old daughter! Tee hee. :) And Sunday will be church and I think that's about it as far as weekend plans go.

Pray with me that this cycle is short so we can get on with the friggin testing already!!! Thanks! ;) Have a great weekend all!

I'm having a really hard time...

2007-06-27T11:30:00.000-05:00

…concentrating today. I keep on thinking that sometime today over in Michigan people will be voting and deciding our future for us. That’s just slightly distracting, no? Just slightly enough to drive me batty! I’m not overly nervous or anything, just anxious to know what it will be – go or stay? Such a big HUGE change for us! Ack! Gotta stop thinking about it!
***
I got to do lunch with my mom and sister yesterday – which is sadly way too uncommon considering we all live within 10 minutes of each other. We’re usually all together every weekend, at least at church if not Sunday lunch too, but it’s nice just to make a special effort to do things sometimes, you know? Especially since I MIGHT not have much longer to be able to do things like this much longer. Notice how much it’s infiltrated my thinking already??? Ay yi yi.
***
My boss said I was glowing this morning. So I let her in on the secret that I started tanning last weekend for my BIL and (almost) SIL’s wedding next weekend. Seriously people, before you judge, I didn’t want to be radioactive white in the pictures. So I was REALLY doing it for them. Ha ha. Okay maybe I just like being tan in the summer. Is that so horrible? *Wish I could say it was pregnancy glow, though. Sigh.:(*
***
It’s cd 13 and I’m FINALLY done with my period, so I’m hoping that this cycle is short so we can FINALLY get on with testing. I’ve got sick days that I might as well use up – since I might not be here to be able to bank them at the end of the year anyways… (see, there it is again!)
***
And all you creative ladies out there… what are some good ideas for decorating a dinner/dance hall for a wedding? I think we’ve got the tables pretty much taken care of, but what about like the entrance, and just the SPACE? I haven’t seen it, but I guess it’s kind of like a gym. I think they’re going to have white lights wrapped in tulle on the ceiling, but doesn’t it need something more? What would you do to make it look fancier? She’s asking me for my opinion/help, and I just am having a hard time! I don’t think cost is too much of an object – maybe I should see what they can rent??? Any ideas?
***
I’m not looking forward to training someone to take my job. :( Can’t I just pack it up and take it with me? (Oops, there’s that thought that we’re leaving again! Gotta stop that!)

She keeps going... and going... and going...

2007-06-22T17:21:00.001-05:00

Normally when talking about having a lot of energy I would be referring to my little class of 3-6 year olds… but not today! I’ve been feeling like one of those kids the past couple of days! Since Troy has been on first shift, we’ve been getting to bed by 11:00 every night (which, for us is really early!) so I’ve been getting about 8 hours of sleep all week, and I’m loving it! I haven’t had this much natural energy since before college!

Last night I went to a Pink Shopping Bag Party… and I got an adorable pink purse! It was the first one of those parties that I’ve been to, and I really liked it – there’s really no pressure, because there isn’t a presentation or anything, it’s just a bunch of purses and jewelry out, and you just buy what you want and if you don’t want anything you leave. They have a lot of stuff like Coach and Louis Vuitton knock-offs. Kind of neat. :)

Pastor M called again last night. No, we don’t have an answer yet. We thought the deacons were voting this week, but it’s not until next week. So by later next week we should know. But according to Pastor, this IS what God wants, so He’s going to make it happen! And he was asking us specific questions last night, like what kind of cell phone plan we have (Cingular – which is what the rest of the pastoral staff is on! – one less thing we’ll have to worry about changing) and what kinds of cars we drive. Because, if you know anything at all about Michigan, you’ll know that their economy is based greatly on cars…domestic cars. So bye bye Passat. :( Not necessarily right away, but he suggested that if we move over there we might want to look into getting something GM made (their primary plant is in Warren) before too long – just being in the position that we are, since I guess it is a sensitive issue for some people over there. They also talked a little more about housing and things like that… so we’re really thinking that this IS going to happen if he’s asking details like that. Right?

And, for news on the ole’ reproductive scene… I neglected to mention yesterday that AF came last FRIDAY, so there was no way that we could have gotten in for testing on day 3, which was on Sunday. :P Which sucks, because now we’re pushed back another cycle. So we wait again on my silly body that doesn’t seem to know what it wants to do (I’m on cd8 and still going strong)… so, hopefully this will be a relatively short cycle so that we can have all of the testing done before moving. There’s so much MORE to think about now with a move in mind… change of Drs, insurance, etc, etc… as if it wasn’t complicated enough already. Hence my excitement about the adoptions! Can you blame me? ;)

This weekend won’t be TOO crazy – walking in the Relay for Life for an hour tonight with my mom and probably dinner out with Troy, an activity with the church youth group on Saturday evening, and belated Father’s Days with both sides of the family on Sunday afternoon since we were gone last weekend. Should be nice.

Maybe I’ll even start a little packing???

Finally! THE weekend recap!

2007-06-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

Aack! My week at work has been SO busy! I’ve hardly had time to breathe, let alone think about blogging! But anyway, I’m here now, so on to the weekend recap…

Well, I just don’t quite know what to say, except that it was SO good. It really, really was. The pastor and his wife are oh, about in their early 50’s, and just instantly – like, as soon as they picked us up from the airport – made us feel welcomed and at home. The pastor’s wife hugged me and insisted that I call her by her first name, and greeted me with “Oh they were right when they said you were pretty!” How’s that for a warm welcome? She’s what I would think of as a southern belle. She’s SO outgoing and bubbly and just makes everyone feel like they’re her best friend, which I think is wonderful for a pastor’s wife. Although she’s not originally from the south, they were in Tennessee for quite a few years in a church, so she still has a little bit of a southern drawl in her voice, and she’s just… cute. I was told several times on Sunday from various ladies in the church that if there was a pastor’s wife to learn under, she would be the one. And not just because of what you see on the surface – it’s so much more than that. She is a godly woman. We didn’t talk a whole lot about what my responsibilities would be right off the bat, but they did mention that if I wanted to work, at least to begin with, that it would be fine. So it sounds like to begin with I’ll be working at least part-time, and just getting involved in the church where I can, and learning the church and what makes it tick. Because they desire for the new church that they start to have the same heart as the original church. Exciting.
Pastor M also took Troy under his wing right away and from the start it was not “what you COULD be doing” but basically “what you WILL be doing.” It was neat. So in a nutshell what they are looking for is for us (or someone) to train in their church for an undetermined amount of time, as a sort of intern, and then when the timing is right start the new church as the new pastor. No set time, just when it seems right.
And the church! I’m not being enamored or looking through rose-colored glasses or anything… the honest truth is that the church is SO warm and loving. And they are excited about serving Christ and this church-plant. It is really really neat to see. We were introduced to so many people throughout the course of the weekend that our heads were pretty much spinning every night when we went to bed! But it was ok because we WANTED to meet the people. Sunday afternoon after the morning service they held a lunch at the church for the deacons and their families and a few other families interested in being a part of the new church to give them a chance to get to know us/vice versa. So we had a little question and answer time and it’s hard to explain, but there was just such a warm spirit and good camaraderie between them and us that we couldn’t help but be excited about it. And Troy preached in the evening service, and it was received so well by the people, which was another good indicator for us. AND! I can’t forget to mention this here! 3 of the families in their church have adopted! And we got to meet and talk to all 3 of them, and we KNOW that it is absolutely from the Lord that one of the adoptive dads volunteered to take us to the airport on Monday morning – so I totally got to pick his brain about the ins and outs of it all. They actually have already adopted 2 and are in the process of the third. SO neat. Oh, and one more thing that really made us feel at ease about it all was their reaction/understanding spirits about our infertility. They ENCOURAGED us to get our testing done before we move, and they were just SO understanding and sensitive about it all. It was a huge blessing to us.
So… if you can’t tell, we’re a little excited about this opportunity. It really seems, in all of the little details that are coming together, that it is God’s will for us to go. Pastor M said that he would be calling within the week, so we’ve been waiting on pins and needles, with LOTS and LOTS of prayer! The deacons have (had?) to vote on it, but basically it sounded like after talking to Pastor about it on Sunday evening, that the vote would be more a formality. But what we really REALLY want is what God wants in all of this. So we’re excited, and would SO appreciate your prayers as we wait on an answer.
Wow, it feels like I’ve done a horrible job putting this all down, and I know I've skipped over so much, but I hope you can make some sort of sense of it all!

A Thanks, An Update, and A PS

2007-06-13T11:22:00.000-05:00

THANKS: to all of you who said such nice, reassuring things after my post last week. Your words were so kind, and my prayer is just that this opportunity, if it should work out (and my life in general, whether this works out or not), will be all about God and what He can do through us, rather than about what I can or can’t do. I hope and pray that He will help me to keep the focus off of myself and on Him so that other people won’t see what I can do, but what an awesome God He is. This is not about me! And that alone is comforting.
UPDATE: Life is busy! Troy’s great-uncle passed away last weekend, so we were busy with family and the funeral on Sunday and Monday. Last night we had to do some shopping (read: exchange a pair of shorts that Troy didn’t try on and found out they didn’t fit – after we got home :) - such a guy!), so we were out most of the evening. Tonight is PeeWees (the class I teach on Wednesdays at church), and tomorrow is Troy’s birthday, so we’ll probably go out for dinner and maybe a movie – or whatever he decides he wants to do – tomorrow night, and then it’ll be Friday already! The big weekend is almost here. So due to above mentioned busy-ness, I think I’m going to take off work on Friday. I was planning on taking a half-day, but seriously. I just don’t think I’d be ready to go if I didn’t have the whole day, and also that way we can stay out a little later on Thursday for Troy’s b-day and not feel guilty about it. Troy talked to Pastor M and found out that we will be staying at their house all weekend (yikes!) so that should be interesting. He said they wanted to be able to spend AS MUCH time as possible with us. And talking to my friend Susie last night helped put my mind at ease. She’s such a sweetie. She just wanted to remind us that we don’t have to worry about being anything other than what we already are… to just be ourselves, and if God wants it to happen, it will happen regardless of “how we did.” It was just a really good reminder.
I haven’t updated on the ttc front for quite awhile because really there’s NOTHING going on. I’m on cd37 and I feel no closer to getting AF than I did the day after it stopped. So who knows. We were going to do all the testing this cycle, as long as we had the $$, but if I end up getting my period when we’re in Michigan, we may have to put it off again since they have to test on day 3. Really don’t want to have to do that, but well, what else can you do? It HAS been kind of nice to have this reprieve since I’m used to getting a period every 20 days or so, for 10 days at a time. Yes, my cycles suck. And now you know why I REALLY want to get pregnant – not for the baby that comes at the end, but for the relief from AF in the mean time – ha ha. :)
I don't think I'll be back on here again before the weekend, so think of me on Saturday morning as I’m sitting in someone’s house who I barely know, eating breakfast in my pajamas!
And as for the PS: Amanda, my email is cheerio1129@hotmail.com, if you could send me an invite for your blog, I’d really appreciate it. :)

Sorry about that...

2007-06-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

I didn't mean to confuse or frustrate you ladies... I was just feeling contemplative in that last post, and basically thinking out loud, so I disabled the comments. Like I said, I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to get anyone to say good things about me... I had just been thinking a lot about that, and needed to get it out.
Thanks for caring. :)
I guess I've just been getting a little frustrated because every time I say something to someone about being nervous or something, they all just dismiss it and say I have nothing to worry about (not here, but IRL). I mean, seriously. If they would put themselves in my shoes... it's a HUGE deal, and I think the thought of being a pastor's wife would be intimidating for ANYONE, if they would stop to think about it, don't you think? Someone in that position has the opportunity to impact people for good, or in some cases not-so-good (my sister had a BAD experience with a pastor's wife, and is bitter about it to this day... and it happened over 10 years ago), and that's a lot of responsibility.
I'm not doubting our call to this in any way, shape, or form, but I'm just taking it seriously and I really want to go into it with the thought that it IS a big deal, and I CAN'T do it on my own, and I want so very badly to do a good job, with God's help.
AM I making too big a deal out of it? How would you feel?

What are your strengths?

2007-06-06T11:37:00.000-05:00

So, you know that infamous interview question that goes something like, “What strengths do you have that you believe will help you perform this job”? Well when I chatted on the phone a couple of weeks ago with the pastor’s wife of the church we will be visiting next weekend, that happened to be one of her questions for me – not in so many words, but essentially she asked me what I view my strengths as. At the time I kind of fumbled my way through, since I really wasn’t prepared for a question like that, but ever since then, and especially the last couple of days, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that question. I woke up thinking about it at 5:00 this morning. And so far, I’m having a bit of a hard time coming up with what I feel is an adequate answer.
What would you view as strengths in a pastor’s wife? I believe at the time she asked me I said something about being musical, enjoying teaching children, blah blah blah… but as I started thinking about it, I don’t know if it’s just Satan trying to discourage me or what, but I’m having a hard time figuring out what my strengths – as a potential pastor’s wife – really are. Really, anyone can teach a group of 3-6 year olds some Bible stories, no? And just about anyone can play the piano as well as I do, and many people can play MUCH better than I can. I love working with the teen girls in our church, but once again, can’t anyone do that? I enjoy singing – but that’s not necessarily something that you need a pastor’s wife to do either. So those are not really great wonderful strengths by any means. And I’m not being down on myself, just honest.
So what else would someone look for in a pastor’s wife?
· A good counselor? Well I really don’t feel like I am that since I’ve never even attempted to counsel someone. I am an excellent listener. But when it comes to offering advice… well, a lot of times all I can say is, “I’ll be praying for you.” Which isn’t a bad thing, but many times people are looking for a lot more than that when they go to a counselor, aren’t they?
· A great teacher? Well as far as that, like I said I can do well with little kids, but I feel like I really don’t have a whole lot to offer when it comes to women twice, even three times my age. You know? I can share with them the things that God is teaching me in His Word, but when it comes to actual life experience, I feel like the well is comparatively dry.
· Great stand-up, take-charge leadership abilities? Oh boy, let’s not even go there. I’m SOOO not a natural leader. Not that I can’t try and do better at that, but I am more of a behind-the-scenes person. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it to the very best of my ability… but when it comes to telling other people what to do… not so much.
· Outstanding organizational skills? Well, I can do enough to help keep my husband’s life going, but beyond that I’m not great. Unless I write things down, I tend to forget a lot. Once again, something I can work on, but presently not something I’m outstanding in, that’s for sure.
So what am I good at? … … … well… … … I do love people. I’m usually pretty patient. I’m forgiving. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m not extremely outgoing, but I can work on that, and when I do warm up to you, I’ll be a faithful friend. I can pray. And I can support my husband like no one else can, and I will fiercely stick by him no matter what until the day I die. And since going through infertility, I have a compassion for people that are hurting that I never had before. I hope and pray that God will greatly use what we’ve gone through to give us a unique perspective on children/adoption/God’s will/so many other things.
Please don’t think I’m looking for pity or any “Oh Cherie, you’ll be great” comments. I’m just being honest with how I’m feeling right now. I KNOW that God equips those who He calls. I KNOW He is able to do great things through me. I know all that. I’m just having a bit of a hard time with this right now. I can say one thing for sure, that anything that I will become or will be able to do will be COMPLETELY God’s work… because when I think about what makes a great pastor’s wife, I don’t think of myself, that’s for certain. I just don’t have a lot to offer. I just hope and pray pray pray that He will be able to take the little bit that I do have to offer and make it into something that will bring ALL the glory back to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."
–2 Corinthians 12:9

Happy Days

2007-06-05T11:03:00.000-05:00

Well. He's finally on first shift! And we can start being a "normal" married couple for the first time in almost 4 years! So last night I got home and we decided to go to the driving range, then we did a little shopping and went grocery shopping... together! We haven't done that in a long time, and I have to say, it's SO much more enjoyable when you don't have to go alone. I'd even venture to call it fun. And easy! If he wants something, he picks it up and puts it in the cart, and vice versa. Aaah the simple joys.
SIL-to-be's shower went great on Saturday. She really enjoyed it and raked in a lot of great Pampered Chef stuff. Awesome. :) The rest of our weekend was nice too - Sunday afternoon we did some more shopping and picked up my dress for the August wedding I'm in - in Arizona. Can we say HOT??? But of course I'll do it for Susie!
We've been telling more people about the Michigan possibility. I've now told quite a few people at work... I'm just hoping it doesn't come back to bite me in the butt, since it's really a good possibility now that, even if this one doesn't work out, I won't be staying around here forever. I even had one of the tellers tell me to keep her in mind if we do move, because she wants my job. Hahaha, right? No, she was completely serious. She's pushing me out the door already! Ahhh, it's so nice to be appreciated. Oh well.
Well, off to lunch, then back for 4 more hours of back-breaking work... okay, not really. Can't imagine why anyone would want my job...

;)

How Bizarre

2007-05-30T12:15:00.001-05:00

I’ve been having the WEIRDEST dreams the past couple of nights. I don’t know if my sleep patterns have been different because of the warmer weather or what, but for some reason, my mind is doing strange things in its subconscious state.
Last night I dreamt that I “rescued” a bird that was supposed to be stuffed… like it already had been, but I saw its eyes moving and so I took it off its stand and made it my pet. It was like the perfect pet bird – didn’t fly or eat or poop or anything – just hopped around a little bit and chirped at me. Weird.
Then I had a dream that my best friend Susie, who is getting married in August, and I were sitting on a couch at a party. She told me that she was moving to Iwo Jima after they get married. Iwo Jima? Where does my mind come up with these things? In my dream it made sense, though, because her fiancé is from Hong Kong. I know, I know, Iwo Jima is NOT in Hong Kong, but in my dream it was perfectly clear. And I was SO sad, because she was going to be even farther away than Phoenix.
How weird. Wonder if they mean anything??

Tagged

2007-05-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

Oops! Didn’t realize I had been tagged, first by Heather and now by Sara! So here goes…

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so...

1)Newlywed Bliss
2)Our Life Together
3)Life as the Mr and Mrs Plus One
4)Life is Good
5)More Than Just a Bowl of Cherries

Next select five people to tag: I think I’m about one of the last ones to do this, so if you haven’t been tagged yet, you’re it! (Rachel, I don't think you've done this one yet!)

What were you doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago I was probably getting ready for my 8th grade graduation! And getting very excited about a summer of babysitting, seeing Troy (oh, the puppy love!), and looking forward to starting high school

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Last year at this time we had just gotten back from camping with my sister and BIL for Memorial Day weekend. We were so sunburnt! Infertility-wise, I wanted to start seeing a specialist because it had been almost a year since we had gone off of bc, but we decided to wait until after Troy was done with school.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Pretty much anything salty! Chips and salsa or guacamole is a favorite
2. Rold Gold Honey Wheat pretzels (these are sitting on my desk right now!)
3. Raw veggies and dip (baby carrots, broccoli, and mushrooms are my fave)
4. Cheese. Yum.
5. Anything with dark chocolate in/on it!

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1. Stained Glass Masquerade (Casting Crowns)
2. When You Say You Love Me (Josh Groban)
3. From This Moment On (Shania Twain)
4. Inspiration (Chicago)
5. One Headlight (Wallflowers – oh yeah, these last 2 go WAY back!)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Adopt! Like crazy!
2. Go for a few rounds of IUI and maybe IVF… maybe even with adopted embryos
3. Build a BIG house and buy a big SUV for all of our kids :)
4. Give, give, give – to our families and friends and churches and other Christian organizations
5. Go on lots of self-supported missions trips

Five bad habits:
1. Filling out silly things like this when I’m supposed to be working
2. Not exercising regularly (ditto, Sara)
3. Not answering the phone if it’s someone I don’t feel like talking to at the moment (isn’t that horrible??!)
4. Putting off doing the dishes until I absolutely HAVE to
5. Assuming the best about everyone/always giving the benefit of the doubt – sometimes this CAN be a bad thing

Five things you like doing:
1. Pretty much anything with my hubby
2. Stamping/making cute cards to give away
3. Going out in our boat (which we did yesterday! Yay!)
4. Going out for coffee with my sister
5. Traveling

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Anything neon colored
2. “NOT” shirts (remember those?!)
3. leggings (no offense to those of you who can pull it off, but personally I could never do it again!)
4. The bridesmaid dress I wore for my cousin’s wedding
5. A side-ponytail

Five favorite toys (now):
1. My digital camera
2. My telescope
3. My keyboard (piano, not computer)
4. My MP3 player – couldn’t survive a run without it!
5. My pink razr – still liking it over a year later!

************

There, now that that's over with I can get on to a little weekend update. Ours was good - I just LOVE long weekends! I think it would be just perfect to have a 3-day weekend every week. Saturday and Sunday were nothing spectacular, although we did have a bonfire with the youth group on Sunday evening. They were SO wound up... wow, we didn't realize how much a little bit of Mountain Dew and some roasted marshmallows would do! It was fun though. ;) And then yesterday we got to spend quite a bit of time with my family and took the boat out, as I said above, and it was just fabulous. I have some fun pictures but of course they're still sitting at home on the camera. Just makes me really excited about this summer, though. We just love summers! There's so much to do outside together, and we just love that. We enjoy sitting inside watching movies and stuff during the winter too, but really nothing beats being outside spending quality time together. :)
This Saturday is my SIL-to-be's bridal shower, followed by a little combined bachelor/bachelorette party at the park. Should be fun. So this week will be busy with getting everything ready for the shower. My MIL and I are the hostesses, so I hope everything goes okay! We were so focused on Troy's graduation that we didn't get the invitations out until a couple of weeks ago, so I hope we still have a good turnout.
Other than that, not too much going on this week. I finally got a reprieve from the period from Hades. Ugh. If my body is going to keep this up I'd seriously consider going on the pill, just to get a little regulation - it's THAT miserable having a period for 3/4 of a month with no reason. So hopefully it will give me a few weeks off now before starting another one. :P NOT fun. But we talked and decided to go ahead with all the testing next cycle, especially now that we don't know for sure that we're going to be around here much longer, and we'd kind of like to at least be able to do all the preliminary testing/consultations with one Dr.'s office. It's kind of complicated being in limbo right now. I'm sure there are some great RE's in Detroit, but we'd like to do a little more here as long as we have the ball rolling.
OK, I really need to get some work done. It's piling up on my desk and I've done next to nothing all day!

Posting because I feel the urge

2007-05-25T13:49:00.000-05:00

...even though I really don't have anything to say! :) Busy week at work, but thank the Lord it's Friday and we have a 3-day weekend coming!
I'm excited for this weekend. Troy's shop is slow this week, so he's only working 10-2 today - which is AWESOME! - so we're going out for a Fish Fry tonight with the sister and BIL. Then we really don't have any other plans for the rest of the weekend, besides HOPEFULLY getting the boat out on some water on Monday. Someone was telling me about a lake around here that we've never been to, so we might just pack up a lunch and some fishing poles (for Troy, not me) and check it out. I seriously need to work on my tan! These summer weddings are coming up fast - and who wants to be white as a sheet in a bridesmaid's dress?!
We had some excitement last night with no water in the house... I had been out with my sister, and didn't get home until after 11:00, and Troy was still at work. So I go up the stairs and there's like a 5-gallon bucket of water sitting there, with all kinds of leaves and floaties in it, and a watering can. At first I thought maybe the landlords were going out of town for the weekend and wanted us to water their plants or something. But no. I get to the door and there's a note. Apparently they had some kind of water pipe problem, and the water was turned off. So yes, that meant no shower for Troy after getting home (and he gets dirty at work - he works in a steel factory - you do the math), and no shower for me in the morning before work. But get this. In the note they said, "you can use this water to wash up in the morning." !!! LOL!!! Yeah, so that was NOT going to happen. I just had to laugh, because seriously, it's always something with them. Either the water's turned off or they need us to lock the cats in the bedroom so they can work on the door or SOMETHING. So I laughed and called up my sister to see if we could come borrow their shower when Troy got home. And of course she said yes (they live all of 4 blocks away)... so we traipsed over there at midnight with all of our shower stuff and borrowed their running water. Sheesh. :) Thankfully it's back up and running already today though!
I think that's about all I've got for today. I told you I had nothing to say! ;)

Happy Memorial Day weekend!!!

The Rest of the Story

2007-05-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

Monday, 5/14/07 – Troy receives an email from Pastor M in Warren Michigan, which reads, “Dear Troy, I wanted to meet you during the graduation festivities, but our paths did not seem to cross. David M is my son and he has recommended you to me. I would like to discuss a ministry opportunity with you. Could you please send me a phone # and an appropriate time to call? Thanks.”
So Troy replies to Pastor M’s email, gives him a phone number and good time to call.
Tuesday, 5/15/07 – Pastor M calls Troy. They talk for over 45 minutes. He tells Troy that they are looking for a person/couple to bring in and train, and work with them on starting a new church in the next 1-2 years. Pastor M asks him LOTS of questions and requests a resume.
Wednesday, 5/16/07 – Pastor M meets with deacons about Troy. They seem to like what they hear.
Thursday, 5/17/07 – Pastor M calls again, asks if Troy has finished the resume yet. Hmmm, Troy thought he would have a little longer than a DAY to finish it! But wow, this is moving right along!
Friday, 5/18/07 – Troy finishes and sends the resume, via email.
Saturday, 5/19/07 – Mrs. M calls Troy, looking for my phone number. Would I please call her back this evening, or she’ll try another time? I’m SO nervous, but I call her back, and we talk for over half an hour. Everything goes smoothly, and she seems like a VERY sweet lady.
Sunday, 5/20/07 – We sit down and talk to my parents about it after lunch. They’re excited for us, and promise to pray. After dinner we sit down and talk with our Pastor and his wife. They too are excited for us, and give us some great insight on a few things. (Troy’s parents had known for a few days already, as well as my sister and BIL)
Tuesday, 5/22/07 – Pastor M calls Troy. Would we come visit the church on Father’s Day weekend? Would Troy be willing to preach for the Sunday evening service? Would we also sing a duet for the service? Troy says he will talk to me first and let Pastor M know. Troy calls me and leaves a voicemail telling me all about it, and I call him back, trying not to hyperventilate, to let him know that that weekend is open, and we can plan on going!
Wednesday, 5/23/07 – Troy calls Pastor M to let him know we are planning to come for the weekend of June 15-17th.

And, that’s it in a nutshell.

What am I feeling? Oh boy. Aaaggghh!?!! I think sums it up pretty well. Nervous, EXCITED, a little scared… but most of all excited. It’s just crazy, because every little piece of the puzzle seems to be falling into place SO perfectly right now. This position is exactly what Troy and I were hoping and praying for, but had been told by other pastors that it didn’t exist. And yet here it is. So we’ll be going to Michigan to visit the church next month, and I’d imagine that shortly after that we will know whether it’s a go or not.
Silly me for being worried about not knowing where we were going. This has proven to me that, even if this opportunity doesn’t work out, God is going to show us where to go and what to do. I mean we didn’t even have to go out looking for this, it was literally dropped in our laps. Seems like such a God-thing. He’s already using it to work in our hearts and teach us to depend on Him even more.

SO exciting.

Quickie update

2007-05-22T17:07:00.000-05:00

Well, this whole situation is just moving right along, so I’d like to fill you all in on the details, but I don’t have time right now. So I’ll post tomorrow with the whole story, or at least what we have of it right now. We still don’t have an answer as to whether it’s going to work out, and may not have that yet for a few months, but at this point things look rather promising. Crazy!

Our weekend was good – time spent together is ALWAYS nice! This week is shaping up to be busy at work and at home, so I think by this weekend we’ll be ready for an extra day off!

Last night I got out the ole’ telescope and got a good look at the moon, Saturn, and Jupiter (?) with its moons. VERY cool. Can’t wait to learn more and start seeing more!

AF will NOT LEAVE this month. Seriously. Day 14 today. Grrr. I’d like nothing more than to scream about it. :P

And that’s all I have time for. I’ll do better tomorrow, I promise!

Short random Friday post!

2007-05-18T16:30:00.001-05:00

So it’s Friday. Ahhh. I am SO looking forward to when Troy and I are no longer on opposite schedules…. this only seeing each other for a couple hours a day thing – when he’s not in school anymore! – is crap. We’re close. Hopefully the week of Memorial Day he’ll be on first shift at the shop, and I think I can make it one more week. I seriously don’t know how some people go their entire married lives doing the opposite schedule thing – I sure wasn’t cut out to work that way!
So tonight while Troy’s working, I’m planning on going over to my sister’s – she has our nephew for the weekend, so I’m going to ogle over him for a little while. :) He’s almost crawling now, and getting such a little personality. Can’t believe he’s already 9 months! My SIL informed me that they plan on trying for #2 when he turns one, so I’m going to have to prepare for that… ugh. Anyway. This wasn’t intended to be that kind of post.
So then tomorrow we have a graduation party for my SIL-to-be, and really, besides church, that’s about the only plans we have for the weekend. Should be nice! It’s supposed to be nice tomorrow, so I’m hoping maybe we can break out the ole’ boat. Then it would REALLY feel like summer!
Still waiting to be a little more sure on the upcoming opportunity before I spill the beans… Troy sent his resume to the pastor today, per the pastor’s request (they had talked about it earlier in the week, but Troy thought he had a little more time… then the pastor called today wondering where it was). So this is moving so fast girls! So who knows what we’ll know by Monday. And we had an excellent heart to heart on lunch today. I was just sharing some of my concerns about really feeling nervous, and not sure if I was ready for this, and my sweet husband just reassured me that I AM ready, because I complete him and he completes me, and that whatever we lack, God is going to make up for. I’m so glad to have his reassuring confidence through this whole adventure, and I thank God for His help, too.

Waiting to exhale

2007-05-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry to go MIA for a bit, there. I’m okay. I think going away for Mothers Day was probably the best possible thing that we could have done, and I’m so very glad that we did. I can honestly say that I hardly even remembered that it was Mothers Day… and yes, some may call that running from your problems, but, well, if that’s the case, then so be it. Because it was just exactly what we needed. The only damper was the over abundance of pregnant ladies… but even that was over-lookable since we were having such a great time. It really was a wonderful weekend. And apparently it was a very good thing that we were not at church on Sunday morning, because they did something new that would have left me… more than slightly flustered, to say the least. They had a baby parade. Any couple who had a baby in the last year got to take the baby up to the front, talk about the birth stats and all that, and well, just be doted on for a while. Can we say ouch? Yes, it was a cute idea, I’m not denying that. But if we had been there, and had to sit through that without any warning whatsoever… *sigh*… ouch. My sister and I were talking about the whole thing last night, and I was just realizing what a huge impact this whole infertility thing is going to have on whatever kind of ministry we are each involved with someday. And it will be a constant challenge to be understanding and compassionate – and even celebrating with them – on days like Mothers Day. I know that I am just going to have to completely put myself aside, and I know that it won’t be easy... but because of that, it will be a chance for God to show Himself strong in my life.
So… speaking of ministry “someday.” That day just might be closer than we were originally thinking. There’s a huge opportunity brewing… but since it’s very unsure at this point yet, we’re keeping it under wraps for the time being. We are SERIOUSLY praying about something that has been literally dropped in our laps just in the last couple of days… so I would really appreciate your prayers for wisdom and guidance. It would mean some big changes for us – not bad changes, but big ones. So we are really really holding our breath until we know more, because, well, this is exciting!
Did anyone watch the last episode of Gilmore Girls last night? Okay so Rory had a little freak-out session when she was at Lane’s about how everyone keeps telling her she’s ready for this, and she’s going to do great and all that, but she really didn’t feel like she was. And I was crying during that whole little segment because, basically that’s exactly how I was feeling. Like I KNOW that this is exactly what we’ve been waiting for, training for, praying about for the last 4 years and more, and yet when it’s actually right on top of us, I all of a sudden feel SO unready. Like this is it, this really could be happening, and yet for some reason as much as I want it to happen, and I’m SO excited about the thought of getting to jump into this head-first, I just don’t know if I can handle it! I mean, we’re 24 years old. That’s so young, yet at the same time, it should be old enough to be in a leadership position, right? It’s so scary. But of course at the same time, it’s incredibly exciting to see what God’s going to do with our lives. And even if this opportunity does not work out, it has really been good to just shake me up a little bit and remind me that, ultimately, this is the goal. I shouldn’t get too settled where I am, because God has bigger things in mind for us. We love our lives here, but we know that there is so much more that is in our future. And if nothing else, He is reminding me of my absolute need to completely rely on Him. We can’t do this on our own… and I KNOW He is faithful, and He really WILL guide us through every step of this.

…but still, it’s so… scary!

*******

Also if you have a chance to stop by Sara's blog and give her a hug, I'd appreciate it, and I'm sure she would too. She could use some kind words and lots of prayer right now.

an ostrich kind of day

2007-05-11T12:47:00.000-05:00

I would really REALLY like to bury my head in the sand today. I have some strong suspicions that another one of the girls at work is pregnant. I happen to know for a fact that she and her husband JUST started trying, and yesterday she had a Dr’s appointment, and today she talked to me about some mysterious prescription that she had to pick up from the pharmacy… yes, it’s all adding up… and I really don’t want to deal with it today. So I’m just going to bury my head in the sand, and not come out for another 8 months or so. So now, I’ll officially be the last of the younger girls at work here to become a mommy. And I want to cry.
I mean, I love that some people are able to get pregnant right away. It’s great for them. And I love that a lot of girls around here lately have gotten pregnant after struggling for a long time. I LOVE it.

I just… want it to be my turn. And I hurt inside, and I want to let it out. Can I just be selfish that way for a little while?
And it SUCKS that we are going to struggle just to pay for the tests to be run to even find out just how infertile we are, and then pay a whole lot more to be able to make a baby – that most of the rest of the population gets to make for FREE, having FUN. Where is the fairness? And WHERE all this money going to come from?

Ugh. I can’t wait to get away this weekend. And bury my head some more.

Sorry to be a downer today... it's just how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm sure I'll feel much better after our weekend. Hope everyone else's weekends are fabulous.

RE Appointment Numero Uno

2007-05-10T10:50:00.000-05:00

Reader’s Digest Condensed Version:
Basically what we expected.

Cherie’s Good Blog Friends Who Want to Hear All About It Version:
Looking back, it feels kind of surreal that after all that went wrong on the way/while we were there, completely beside the fact that we were there to begin with, we were able to laugh and joke together through the whole thing. Huh.
After waking up late (like 15 minutes before we planned to leave) we got a bit of a late start, but ended up making it there on time. So we get to the hospital and I think I know exactly where we were supposed to go… so we take the elevator to the 2nd floor of the Women’s Pavilion. And we get off the elevator, and read the sign “LABOR & DELIVERY.”
Ha ha. Is this some kind of sick joke or something??? So we’re kind of standing there, about to get back on the elevator to go down and ask the receptionist where we’re supposed to go, and a nice lady notices that we’re lost and takes us where we’re supposed to be. Duh, Cherie, Fertility Services is on the second floor of the hospital, NOT the second floor of the Women’s Pavilion. See, they are adjoining buildings, right next to each other with a shared lobby, but we had gone to the wrong side. Grr. At any rate. So they asked first thing if we had our insurance cards, and of course, we just switched insurance carriers at work as of May 1, so I didn’t have the new insurance info yet. Nothing. So we have to pay the $248 out of our pockets. And we were planning on this, so we had thought we would just put it on one of our credit cards for now. So I give the lady my credit card, and after waiting for that for about 5 minutes, she tells me that they’re having a glitch in their computer system and they can’t use my credit card. Can we pay with a check? Gulp. $248. Seriously. $248!!! Now granted, we ARE exceptionally poor right now since Troy wasn’t working much at all for the last few weeks of school… but seriously. We didn’t have an extra $248 sitting in our checking account. So I look at Troy like a deer in headlights… and he says, we’ll just transfer from savings. OK. Right, this will be okay, we’ll just transfer it from savings. Thank God we have that much in savings. So I write out the check. And we sit down in the waiting room. There is only one other couple waiting… Hispanic, probably mid-thirties… which totally surprises me since it seems like most Hispanic people can reproduce like rabbits. Terrible, I know. So we wait for no more than a couple of minutes and they call us back right away. First we meet with the nurse to go over our basic medical history. She was nice, and that lasted for about half an hour, and then we wait to meet the RE. So we’re sitting in this small room with a table, chairs, and a basically empty bookshelf. And you girls don’t know how torturous a room like that is for my husband. He’s basically ADHD, so to sit in a room like that for 15 minutes with NOTHING to do, could pretty much drive him crazy. So we start joking around, talking a little about what the nurse went over with us. And he says, “I feel bad for you – my questions are so much easier than yours. ‘Does it come up?’ Yup. ‘Does it come out?’ Yup. Check!” And I was laughing hysterically at that for the next 5 minutes or so. You know, you HAVE to be able to laugh at these things, don’t you? He just kills me! And then of course after that he said that he has to be careful what he says around me because he never knows what’s going to end up on a blog someplace. Tee hee. :) So finally the RE comes in. Young, probably not more than 5-7 years older than us. Big pretty rock on her finger. Cute short blonde hair, small frame, and very. very. professional. So we went over my menstrual history and our basic medical history again, and after talking all that through, she was able to basically prescribe a plan of action. Lots of blood tests and a vaginal ultrasound on day 3 of my next cycle (Yuck. Can we say yuck about the u/s during my period? Yuck.), the Clomid Challenge test from day 5-10, and then more blood tests and an HSG on day 10. And of course, testing for Troy. So that all lasted about 45 minutes, and then the nurse comes back in to explain what to expect with the tests, where to go, etc, etc, and then finally the insurance specialist comes in. Normally this is when we would find out how much they would cover, but since she didn’t HAVE any of that information, she couldn’t tell us much. In all it lasted about 2 hours, and we left feeling… glad to finally have starting things again, but like I said, we both thought it was basically what we were expecting. Not too much new information yet. So now, we have all that the tests to look forward to, and from there, hopefully we’ll know what we’re going to be dealing with. I was happy that one of the tests she suggested was that sugar-drink thing for PCOS… just because I’ve always wondered if that was a possibility, even though I don’t have all the typical symptoms. In the past, I had just the fasting test done, but this time they’re going to do that plus the sugar drink thing, where you drink the stuff and they draw blood an hour later and then again 2 hours later, and evaluate how your insulin reacts to all of that. So hopefully that will give them/us some definitive answers about PCOS. We were a bit disappointed with how impersonable the RE was, but I guess ultimately it doesn't really matter that she knows us personally as long as she's good at what she does. I guess we were just expecting that with something like infertility, you'd be a little more... kind as a doctor. But oh well. Overall we were impressed.
So.
I’m feeling… excited, I think. Just glad to get the ball rolling again. Unfortunately, after the tests are done I think we’re going to have to sit on them for a couple of months again just because we’re going to have such a crazy/busy/expensive summer. But I’m feeling hopeful again, that maybe we really could have a pregnancy sometime in the future. And she reassured us that we’re young. Yeah, there was a time where I thought I’d have 2 kids by the time I was 24, but this is okay. Really, we ARE young. And it’s all going to work out for the best. At least I feel like I can believe that right now. And I might as well enjoy those thoughts while they’re around.

What kind of coffee are you??!

2007-05-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

You Are a Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.
However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.
You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation.
You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

He WILL direct our paths

2007-05-07T17:03:00.000-05:00

This weekend was won.der.ful. So many people from all areas of Troy’s life came to the party on Saturday – his family, my family, church friends, co-workers, school friends and professors, and more! It was such a fantastic celebration of Troy and his accomplishments… I was (am!) SO proud of him. By Sunday we were both so physically and emotionally drained that after lunch and after Troy went flying with my brother (my graduation gift for him – he loved it :) we came home and crashed for 3 hours. And it never felt so good to sleep! My dad asked me on Friday after graduation how this day ranked in excitement in comparison to our wedding day… and it made me realize that for me, this was ALMOST as exciting as my wedding day. I don’t think that most people realized how huge of a deal this was for us… but it has been our LIVES for the past 4+ years (since we’ve been married, and before), so to have it over with is truly life changing for us. Aaahhhh, yes. He’s done.
Now this week we’re going to be focusing on the RE appointment (Wednesday!) and this weekend we have a wedding that Troy’s ushering in for one of his good friends, and then we’re going to celebrate with a night away on Saturday about an hour and a half away from home. I got us a 3 ½ star hotel (Radisson Paper Valley) for $55, thank you very much to Priceline.com. :) And it came at a good time, since Sunday is Mothers Day and I don’t think I will be up to much celebrating that after our RE appointment and getting focused back on making a baby. Not to mention at church they always do something special for the mothers and Pastor usually preaches a message on mothers/parenting. Ugh. No thanks. So needless to say I’m really looking forward to being away.
Then… I’ve just been thinking about how now that Troy’s officially done with college how we’re at a totally new place in our lives… and it’s kind of scary. We know, of course, that God is going to show us the way, but when we’re the ones in limbo, not really sure what’s coming next and looking for concrete answers, it’s a little bit hard not to be anxious. I mean, we really have NO CLUE what’s next. We have a few ideas… some ours, some maybe not, but when it comes to actually knowing what/where/when/how we’re supposed to take the next step… we are almost totally directionless. More school? Maybe. And where – here or half the country away? Jump into ministry right away? Possibly. Wait and just work and pay off some bills before doing either of the other two? Could that be the answer? Who knows. And then there’s the whole baby issue. Do we do the whole fertility treatment thing right away? Start saving for adoption and start the process right away? Or wait and don’t do either one yet? Save for a house? And when I realize that it is completely up to us to make these decisions, and to figure out where it is that God is leading us, it makes me feel all grown up, and yet at the same time, almost like a little girl because in reality I have so very little control over what ultimately happens. I can honestly say that I am clinging to the verse in Proverbs that says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
Lord, PLEASE, direct our paths.

NOW... for pictures! Proof that he REALLY did graduate! :) ...

Us at Baccalaureate:

Pomp and Circumstance!:

Switching over the tassle:

Singing "Rise Up Oh Men of God" with classmates (Troy's 4th from the left):

We did it!

Troy and his parents:

The whole B family (his brothers Keith and Tim on the left):

Our fancy post-graduation lunch... at McDonalds! (my parents on the left, sister Missy and BIL Matt on right):

Troy and my brother Caleb before the party on Saturday:

Whew! Exhausted after the party:

Aaaaaahhhhh

2007-05-02T15:34:00.000-05:00

If you can’t tell, that’s me breathing a HUGE sigh of relief. He did it. As of 1:24 this afternoon, Troy completed his college education. As proof, here is an excerpt from his email to me today:

I did it toots!!!!!!!

:) That right there says it all, doesn’t it??! So tomorrow will be busy with graduate’s luncheon (put on by the college) and baccalaureate, and of course Friday is graduation, and then Saturday is the big party! Some of his family is traveling from Michigan to come the party, so I’m sure we’ll be squeezing in time with them when we can. So since I won’t be back to work, and therefore on blogger, until probably Monday, hope all you sweet girls have wonderful weekends, and a big congrats to all the girls who recently are most assuredly knocked up!

For those of you who asked about stamping...

2007-04-26T23:41:00.000-05:00

...here are a few examples of what I was talking about:

This is one I made last night.

And a few others:

I don't know how good you can see that one - it turned out kind of dark - but at least it gives you an idea of what we were doing!

And as long as I'm posting pictures, here's one of my furbabies :)

Aren't they cute?

Last night was fun - we chatted and stamped for a couple of hours, and it was nice to have some one on one time with K - it makes me want to get to know her better. I really like her.

Oh, and did you happen to notice my ticker??? That's right, we are officially less than a week away!!! I can hardly believe we're so close! After today he will only have 2 finals left! Oh girls I'm SO excited!!!

BO-ring

2007-04-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I have literally nothing exciting to talk about. I’m so boring this week. Since I posted last… let’s see… well, the weekend held a lot of homework for Troy and not much else. We squeezed in a little shopping and some tennis, (we’re horrible but we used to play quite a bit so we’re trying to get back into it) and Sunday dinner with my parents, but other than that, our weekend was uneventful. Monday and Tuesday both were just work and then home in the evenings. Troy came home early from work last night because he had a migraine. So he just went to bed as soon as he got home, so I ended up going to be early too. Well - 10:30 is early for me anyway. And here I am at work again. See, I told you it was boring! Tomorrow evening I’m supposed to be getting together with a new friend to do some stamping, so that should be fun. This is the couple whose wedding Troy was in back in February, in Indiana where she was from. So now that she’s living up here, we’ve been getting to know each other and so this will be the first time we do something with just the 2 of us. Should be interesting… but good interesting. :) She seems like a really sweet girl.
If you get a chance, send a few warm wishes and prayers Sara’s way… she’s 4 weeks pregnant after dealing with IF issues and hoping for the best!

Excited? About Preaching?

2007-04-20T16:23:00.000-05:00

How many people do you know would get excited over PREACHING? Okay, well I'm sure it's established by now that Troy and I aren't exactly normal by any account, but seriously. Today was an EXCITING day for us. Every year his school chooses 3 guys to preach to the whole student body (about 1,000 students) in the school-wide chapel service at the end of the year - these guys are chosen from the Senior class by their peers and the Bible faculty, based on basically their ability to preach and their example/testimony around school. So ever since his freshman year, Troy has actually been hoping that he wouldn't be chosen because of how nerve-wracking of an experience it would be. Well a few weeks ago, he found out that, wouldn't you know it, he had been chosen. Of course I was extremely excited for him, and he was very honored - but he started to get nervous right away. But we both just prayed that God would use him to touch the hearts of the students and that rather than just being an entertainer he would be able to communicate some of the important truths that God has been teaching him recently. So today was the big day. I took off of work this morning to go and offer some moral support for him (of course - I couldn't miss it!). And praise God, he did SO WELL! We were both SO nervous (do any of you get nervous for your husbands when they have big things coming up too?), but as soon as he stood up to preach he said that he just felt calm, and excited at the opportunity. So it really could not have gone better. It was definitely an exciting time for the two of us. And he got a lot of positive feedback from both the students and from his professors, so it was really encouraging for him/us. So there you go. Now you can say you know someone who genuinely gets excited about preaching. :)
My period has continued to be very NORMAL, which is another unusual for me... so I'm crossing my fingers and toes and sending a few prayers up that maybe - MAYBE - my cycle will continue to be regular this time around. Maybe even the big O? Who knows?
This weekend doesn't hold ANY exciting plans. Troy's got homework (surprise surprise) and I'll probably take the car to get the oil changed and get tested for emissions (woo hoo!). I'm sure we'll find some time to squeeze in some quality time together - and hopefully spend some time outside! It's 65 degrees out! Breakin' out the capris baby! ;o)

I have CRAMPS!

2007-04-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, so for all of you normal girls out there, that is definitely NOT usually an exciting thing… but for someone like ME, who hasn’t had cramps and/or a normal period without the assistance of birth control or clomid um, like, EVER, you’d be excited too. It tells me that these vitamins/supplements that I’m taking are actually DOING something. Crazy thought. I’m not sure if I ovulated because I haven’t been charting, but a normal period (with cramps!) is a good sign to me. And I did have slightly sore boobs toward the middle/end of this last cycle. So that’s another good sign too, right??? Cross your fingers for us… we still plan on seeing the RE, but maybe we won’t have to do much more than that. Wouldn’t that be nice?!
Oh, and here’s a thought that I’ve been contemplating. Am I weird for not really wanting to see/talk about/hold/get excited about other people’s babies, given our circumstances? It hit me the other day that, even though I LOVE kids and desperately want one of my own, I just have a hard time getting excited about other people’s these days. Like last weekend my cousin was in town, who I haven’t seen in quite some time. She was at church on Sunday with her husband and new daughter, and everyone was oogling over adorable little Olivia, and practically throwing elbows to get to hold her… and there I was, trying to act like I even wanted to be telling my cousin how cute her baby was. And she WAS SO cute, but I just really didn’t have an inkling of desire to hold her or tell her that. Of course I did, just to save face, but, you know, I didn’t really want to. So that just left me thinking. I know I still love babies and kids. Really, I DO. Is it just selfish of me to not be able to enjoy other people’s because I don’t have any of my own? I talked to my sister about it and she thinks that it’s my way of defending myself. You know, from feeling that hurt that comes inevitably along with babies. And from those dreaded “SO… You look good holding that baby…. When are YOU guys going to have kids?” comments. She’s probably right, but I just don’t like the fact that I don’t enjoy babies as much as I used to. Almost like something’s wrong with me when I say I want one so badly but then I don’t even enjoy the ones that are around me. Am I weird? Any input here? Anyone else ever feel the same way?

The cat is out of the bag

2007-04-13T15:34:00.000-05:00

And it’s making me a little nervous. I know I don’t really need to be… but… well, let me back up a little.
Yesterday afternoon, I was talking to one of the tellers I used to work with all day, every day. The subject turned to babies, of course, as it usually does here, and so, when she asked me – not discreetly at all – if we were thinking about having kids… I told her. Actually we haven’t been preventing it for almost 2 years. And I went on to explain that we were kind of waiting for Troy to be done with school, but we have done some medication, but it didn’t do anything, and now we have an appointment set up with the specialist… yup, it all came out. And now I’m nervous that because she knows, soon EVERY last one of them is going to know. Not that SHE’s that kind of girl who would go blabbing to everyone about our personal lives. But she may tell one or two people, who will then maybe tell one or two people… and, well, you know. That’s how it goes around here – especially in an environment where 51 out of 58 employees are women. Aghh, I don’t know why I care. It was bound to come out sooner or later. But I guess I just wish I could control who knows and who doesn’t, and how they find out. Because some people I’m sure will be very sweet and understanding, and then, there are always those that just… aren’t. The ones who tell you to stand on your head after sex. The ones who tell you that you should “just adopt.” The ones who tell you that it will just happen when it’s meant to happen. When I told K yesterday, she was actually very sweet about it. She just looked at me and said, “Well I wish you guys the best of luck with everything. I’m sure that has to be hard.” That was about the nicest response that I think I’ve gotten when telling someone who I’m not really close to. I just know that not everyone will respond that way. But what’s done is done. Who knows – maybe she won’t even tell anyone.
Thanks for all of your sweet well-wishes. I ended up leaving work early again yesterday because I felt so horrible. But I’m feeling much better today after taking Nyquil last night – I didn’t wake up at all until the alarm went off! It was blissful. I still sound like I’m pinching my nose shut when I talk, but I can deal with a stuffy nose as long as I don’t feel like crap.
I am absolutely stuffed from a Cobb Salad that I just had for lunch. It was huge! And really yummy, but I’m wishing I hadn’t eaten quite so much of it. :P Troy and I had a really good talk over lunch about me being supportive of him in these last couple of weeks of school. He’s really starting to stress about getting everything done – because he has A LOT to get done – and he’s not sure how much he’s going to be able to work in the next couple of weeks. I’ve been stressing a little bit about money because he’s been working less and less just to try and get everything done for school (thank God for a job that is flexible and he can just come and go!). So it puts more pressure on me since I’m bringing in most of the money, and when I really don’t make that much to begin with, and I’m the one who does all of our bills, and sees how much is coming and going… yeah, I start to stress a little bit. We have a good amount in savings, but with all of the weddings and everything else coming up this summer, I really didn’t want to have to draw on that. But he helped me to put things in perspective, and remember that the most important thing is that he DOES graduate, and without cutting back at work he may not be able to do that. So if we have to take from savings, so be it. It will be ok. And he’ll just work some overtime when school is over to get it back up to what it was. Whew. So we’re all good now. All he needs me to do is support him the best I possibly can. And I can do that!
Tomorrow I’m going to pick up my bridesmaids dress for my brother and soon to be sister in law’s wedding in July. I’m excited to see it, because I’ve only seen a picture and that wasn’t even in the color that it’s going to be. I also have to order the dress for my friend Susie’s wedding from David’s before April 23rd – which happens to be quickly approaching – hmm, maybe I’ll do that when Troy’s studying (which, as mentioned before, he will be doing a lot of). And then Saturday night we’re going to a staff banquet put on by our church for everyone who works as Sunday School teachers, deacons, choir, etc. to show appreciation – so that should be nice. Sunday afternoon we’re doing lunch with Troy’s parents to work on plans for Troy’s graduation party (yay!) – and of course church, and that’s about it for our weekend. Now, just a couple more hours till we’re there…

Maybe not SO bad after all

2007-04-11T16:39:00.000-05:00

Sitting here on my butt at home with a box of Kleenex beside me and the TV on, I'm thinking that maybe being sick isn't quite SO bad. :) I was feeling just as crappy this morning when I woke up as I did yesterday, and hadn't slept very well last night, so I decided to call in to work this morning. So after calling in I went back to sleep... and didn't wake up until 10:30! So I've been sitting around most of the day - not getting a whole lot accomplished. Although I DID get Troy's graduation announcements all printed up and ready to send. Just need the postage and they'll be in the mail. It's REALLY happening, kids! ;)
As I sit here I'm listening to the wind blowing outside... would you believe that it's SNOWING? And not just a few flurries here and there, either, no. It's been snowing all day and there's probably a good 3-4 inches out there. It's the freaking middle of April, and yet we're having SNOWSTORM! Ay, gotta love Wisconsin weather. Anybody up for a trade?
I've also been reading a really good book. It's called Successful Adoption - A Guide for Christian Families and it's making me want to just start the process RIGHT NOW! The author brings up examples in the Bible of people who were raised by someone other than their biological parents... like Jesus (Joseph), Samuel (Eli), Esther (Mordecai), and Moses (Pharoah's daughter) - and all of those people were used by God to be great leaders. Not to mention the awesome analogy of our relationship with God - our Abba - Who adopts us as His children. It also gives testimonials of people who were adopted or have adopted children and how it has affected them. In fact the book is written by a lady who just adopted a little Chinese girl last year. Anyway, it's a great book, and making me more committed to adopting someday, whether we have biological children or not. And it also gets into some of the nitty gritty details, and although I haven't gotten real far in it, I would recommend it to anyone considering adoption just because it could be a really great resource.
So that's about it for me today. I have to go shower now (tee hee - no, I haven't showered yet, and it's almost 5 :) and make dinner for Troy. He's home from work tonight to get some serious homework done. We're in the homestretch baby!
Happy Hump Day!

Blagh....

2007-04-10T10:01:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, 4/10/07
4:30AM – Wake up, try swallowing. Ouch. Throat hurts. Bad. Check the clock – 4:36 am. Get up, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water – ouch, ouch, ouch – go down the hall to the bathroom . Blow stuffy nose. Check mirror to see if throat looks red/swollen. Yup – both. Swallow again. Ouch. Back down the hall to bed. Swallow – ouch. 4:45 fall asleep.
7:26AM – Wake up, think the sun looks a little too bright to be 6:45. Check the clock. Crap. Roll over, tell Troy what time it is. He decides to skip his first class. Oops. Swallow – ouch. Dang, sore throat wasn’t a dream. Get up, get ready for work.
10:00 AM – Sitting at work. Swallow – ouch. Wishing desperately I could be at home still sleeping. Is it really Tuesday? Because I could swear Monday is repeating itself. Swallow. Ouch. Ugh.

Coming Attraction

2007-04-03T17:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I now officially have some MAJOR motivation for toning up these legs of mine! Saturday morning we got together with 2 of the couples that we’re going on the cruise with in Sept/Oct and made some plans… and yes, we ARE going!!! I am SO excited! 7 days of pure tropical bliss on a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean… Fabulous. SOOOO excited! Now I have something to count down to! We’re already looking at what excursions we want to do (snorkeling, maybe parasailing, LOTS of sitting on the beach soaking up the sun!!) – does anyone who’s done any of these things have any suggestions? So yes, now it is definitely time to start taking my running seriously. Starting tonight! I figure I have 5 months to look great in a swimsuit again – so I think as long as I’m serious about it, it shouldn’t be too bad. And I can’t wait to be tan again and ahhhh… I’m a little excited! :) :D :]
Sunday was a bit of a bummer because Troy had a REALLY bad migraine, so that wiped him out for most of the day, and seriously limited what I could do because I wanted to be there in case he needed anything but didn’t want to make any noise. So Sunday kind of sucked. :P But thankfully he’s feeling better.
Sooo… nothing exciting planned for tonight. Had dinner with my parents last night, which was nice since I haven’t spent any quality time with them at all recently. We were supposed to do Sunday lunch with them and the rest of the family, but because of Troy’s migraine we didn’t make it. Sad to say that things seem better when we don’t see too much of them though. If we stay away for a few weeks, they actually WANT to see us again. Which, as I discovered last night, is kind of a nice feeling. I know it’s not intentional, but as I’ve said before, they just don’t seem to “see” us much right now. We haven’t provided them with any grandchildren – nor do we even have any in the works for that matter. And although I’m sure they don’t mean to be this way, we just feel like we’re not as valuable to them because of that fact. Anyway – I didn’t mean to dwell on the negative there, it really was a nice visit with them. I think it’s probably better that we had that one-on-one time with them rather than trying to compete with the grandkids.
So tonight will probably be catching up on housework that’s been neglected the past few days. Can you sense the excitement oozing out of me?! Well, maybe you can, but it’s definitely not about the housework!

Wanted: A child to call mine

2007-03-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
You know those cute little things You make called kids? Those sweet, curious, silly, brutally honest, sometimes naughty little creatures? Well, I want one.
I want one to love, hold close and hug and kiss until they can’t stand it anymore, to giggle with, to tuck in at night, to teach Jesus Loves Me to and do my very best to teach to grow up to love You with all of their heart, to call my very own. I want one so much my heart hurts. My empty arms ache to be filled. My home is quiet, with no sweet little child’s giggles and noises. I long to see my husband become the awesome, proud daddy that I know he will be. I long for that bond with other mothers that only they share.
And to be perfectly honest, I’m tired of waiting. I’m trying to wait patiently on Your timing, really, I am. But it’s so hard for me when I know that it would be so easy for You to just do the things that need to be done for us to have one, and yet month after month, year after year, it just doesn’t happen. You are ultimately powerful – I believe that with all of my heart. I mean, I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but You created the entire universe, with everything in it, I KNOW it’s not too hard for You to make one little egg and one little sperm to do what they’re supposed to do. So, if You don’t mind me asking, what is the reason? SO much of me wants to know… and yet part of me thinks that even if I did know the reason, I’m not sure that it would make me feel much better. Part of me already knows that this experience is making me a stronger individual, stretching and strengthening my marriage, and helping me to relate to people who are also hurting – whether because of infertility or other reasons – and yet, that doesn’t seem to be enough for me. I want to know more. I want to see this from Your perspective. Your Word tells me to rest, to wait, that everything works out for good, that joy WILL come in the morning, that when I am overwhelmed I should cling to You… and yet for some reason, in my small, human, finite mind… that’s not enough. I want a finality – to know for sure that eventually it WILL happen for us. And I would LOVE for it to be sooner rather than later. Am I asking too much? Haven’t we waited long enough now?
I just want a little one to hold.
I love You, and I know You love me too. I’m not doubting or questioning Your love or Your wisdom for a second. Just… oh, what I’d give to see things through Your eyes.

From Your ever-devoted daughter,
Cherie

Volcanic Activity

2007-03-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

I currently have Mt. Vesuvius existing on my face. Seriously. Yesterday I started to feel something kind of itchy burny, and within half an hour, I had the hugest cold sore you’d ever see in your life. So silly me goes to the medicine cabinet, pulls out the trusty stuff that I used on my last one, and puts it on before I go to bed thinking that by morning hopefully it would be well on its way to being gone. Well this morning, not only was it still there, but Mt. Vesuvius had erupted and was spreading death and destruction in its path. Ugh. I checked the expiration date on the stuff that I had put on it last night… and it said 8/06. Oops. So I wanted to get in to see the Dr and get something prescription, but Troy doesn’t want us to have to pay the $30 co-pay, so he got me some new stuff at Walmart this morning… we’ll see how that goes. I haven’t had one of these since college, and when I got them then it was only when I was super-stressed and overtired. So now I have no idea where this came from or why I got it since I have next to nothing as far as stress right now – but wherever it DID come from, it came with a vengeance. :P
And that’s pretty sad when a cold sore is the only thing blog-worthy that I have happening in my life recently. Well, not the only thing, but you know, life’s busy. I’m now learning accounts payable at work, so I will be even busier in about a month when I take it over completely. The lady who’s doing it full-time now is retiring – which is good since, well basically she just NEEDS to retire – but it’s been kind of messy with figuring out who’s going to take over her many responsibilities. But anyway.
My sweet friend Susie is officially engaged! So Troy and I were looking at plane tickets and we’re either going to have to seriously start saving our shekels or I might be making the trip out to Phoenix alone. I thought it would be fun to make a road trip out of it, but unfortunately Troy didn’t share my enthusiasm on that one. Especially since we’d be putting 4,000 miles on our new car in less than a week’s time. Tee hee. Sounds like an adventure to me! But… oh well, I don’t think he’s going to budge on this one. And it WOULD be a LOT of riding in the car in a very short amount of time. :)
We’re just over a month away from Troy’s graduation and our RE appointment. It’s coming fast! I’m almost through my first bottle of Shaklee vitamins already, and haven’t noticed a difference yet. My periods are still completely erratic. She said to give it at least 3 months, though, so I’m going to order some more. Which I need to do soon!
Last weekend was good, the kids seemed to really enjoy the Bible printing experience. One of them even asked if we could do it again next month – so I’d say that’s what we were hoping for!
We’re also starting to peek at houses a little bit. We were originally going to look for another place to rent… but we started thinking about timing of things, and thought that maybe – MAYBE – if the right house came along for the right price, we might be able to just buy instead of renting again. But there are a lot of variables… so for now we’re just very casually looking. I’ve gotten comments from a few people saying that it would be a good idea to just keep renting for now, so I started to have doubts about whether we should be looking at all. But Troy is very convinced that we should buy a house before long just because of going into the ministry and how things could potentially go for us… so he told me to trust him on this one, and that’s what I’m trying to do. And I know that I don’t have to worry as long as we’re trusting God to help him/us make the right decision. He’s got it all under control!

Hot Date and Other Thoughts

2007-03-23T15:40:00.000-05:00

I'm excited. Tonight I get to go out with this really sweet, adoreable, funny, wonderful guy I know. In fact, I just KNOW he's the one! Okay, okay, so he just happens to be my husband... but still! ;) This week was Troy's spring break, so he's been able to relax a little and do some stuff that he actually enjoys. Unfortunately, though, he's still working evenings and I'm working days, so I twisted his arm enough to get him to call in to work tonight (I really didn't have to twist too hard!) and we're going to go shopping and out for dinner, since tomorrow we're going to be with the youth group almost all day long. We're taking them to a place where they print Bibles in other languages, and rely heavily on volunteer work. So we're hoping it will fun for the kids, but more importantly have a good impact on them... maybe get them thinking a little bit about something other than just having a good time. Not that there's anything wrong with just having a good time, of course, but... you know. It's just good for them to focus more on what's REALLY important sometimes. They seem to be excited about it, so it's a good start anyway! They really are a great group of kids. We just want so badly to get these kids to realize what an AWESOME thing they have in their Christianity. We know how hard it is when you grow up in a family that has always gone to church, and always "done it this way" - to have a faith that is alive and growing and exciting to you. We've been there. But we really REALLY want them to see that it's about so much more than just doing things for the sake of doing them or "because it's what's right." SO much more than that.
Well, I'm off to my hot date... wish me luck - maybe I'll even bring him home! tee hee ;)

Jumpin' Ship

2007-03-21T13:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm afraid to admit that I too have had enough of this new format, and have started another blog elsewhere. I was kind of getting the itch to leave anyway, due mostly to the fact that I don't feel like I exactly fit the “newlywed” mold anymore. :) So I'm off! My new blog is: www.morethanabowlofcherries.blogspot.com
Please feel free to visit me over there! I will still be keeping up with all my girls here!

Well, here it is!

2007-03-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

Post #1 of the new blog, that is. And what makes it, you say, "MORE than a bowl of cherries?" When I stopped to think about the title, it occured to me that maybe I wanted to go a little deeper than just the happy-go-lucky, here's-what-we're-doing-today, life-is-just-a-bowl-of-cherries type things. Because, really, sometimes life isn't just a bowl of cherries. Sometimes it is... well... the pits. And sometimes, whether things are going good or bad, I want to think about God's hand in it all, more than just what goes on at the surface. So there you have it. Life IS more than just a bowl of cherries. I only get one shot at this life, and I want to live it so that when it's almost over I can look back and have no regrets - not just float by and try to make it through the day-to-day. I want to live life to it's fullest, love God and others as deeply as I can, and be able to someday say that even if I would maybe changed a few things here and there, overall know that I gave it my best, and when I get to heaven be able to hear Him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

Late weekend update and apartment hunting round 4

2007-03-14T13:04:00.000-05:00

Here it is Wednesday already and I haven’t even done a weekend update yet! Well, you’re going to get one anyway, even though we’re almost closer to the coming weekend than the previous one. Oh well.
So last weekend WAS lots of fun… minus a few, um, “scenic routes” that we took (read: getting lost) – first to try and find the hotel and then to find it again coming from the airport after picking up my friend and her boyfriend at 5 in the morning! Unfortunately we didn’t have a map with us since we were in the new car, and I had printed off directions but we missed our first exit, so then the directions did us no good whatsoever… but oh well, it made for some fun memories! ;) So we eventually made it back to the hotel on Saturday morning and went back to sleep for a few hours, and then got up and went to lunch and the Planetarium, which I was really looking forward to… and I ended up being a bit disappointed with it, but it was still fun. Then we went to Chinatown – it was so neat! Susie’s boyfriend James is from Hong Kong (came over here when he was a freshman in high school) so he translated a few times for us, and ordered our dinner in Chinese… it was really a neat experience. Then a stop for gelato (yum!) and we were on our way home already. It went way too fast – we didn’t get to do as much shopping and spending time downtown as I would have liked to, but it was still lots of fun to see one of my best friends again and get to know her boyfriend. (soon to be fiancé?! She told me to keep August 4th open – yeah, you read that right, as in like less than 5 months from now. I know. She’s crazy. – so I would imagine it will be soon :)
Then yesterday I attempted to look into a potential new home for us… another upper duplex. I had called this guy on Monday evening, and it sounded promising – 2 bedrooms, lots of space, fireplace, porches, plenty of parking, and most important – no smokers, so I showed up yesterday to look at it… and waited, and waited and waited… and he never showed up to show me the place! I even tried calling him, and I walked around the place for a little while, hoping maybe he would come, but nothing. Honestly though it really wasn’t much of a loss since I was NOT very impressed with even the outside of the place. So I don’t think I’ll even try to get a hold of him to find out if we can still see it. But I guess it’s official that we’re apartment-hunting again. I’m so gun-shy this time around, though… with the problems that we’ve had here with the smoke and everything, I don’t want to move to another place with a whole different set of problems, you know? So I’m not too eager to move again. If we were willing to pay a little more per month, we could probably get into a place that we wouldn't have to deal with these problems, but for the money we’re willing to pay for RENT, it’s been a challenge. That’s just it, though. Our thinking is that the less we pay now, the sooner we can buy a house (what with saving more and all), and then we won’t have to deal with stupid problems like, oh you know, people smoking below us. Grr… so frustrating. So you girls that have your own homes can think of me when you’re swearing over a broken water heater, or mowing your lawn, or paying your property taxes, or doing all those things that homeowners do… I wouldn’t know! :P I'd love to be dealing with THOSE kinds of problems! At least it's been nice enough here the past couple of days to be able to open the windows and air the place out again. Yay for spring!

I can't concentrate on anything today.

2007-03-07T13:03:00.000-06:00

So here I am. I’m actually feeling very… emotionally… frazzled. See, my friend A has come back from maternity leave, and bless her heart, her 2 kids are all she can talk about lately. Well, them, and of course her sister happens to be pregnant now also, so everything – and I’m not kidding – EVERYTHING is about babies and pregnancy. I’ll start a conversation with her about something totally work-related, and somehow she’ll bring around to, “Wouldn’t it be nice if they offered daycare here? I would love to be able to see my babies all the time!” Or if I talk about vacation, she’s reminiscing about how last year on their vacation she was just starting to fit into her maternity clothes. If I talk about something food-related, it becomes a conversation about how her sister is eating everything in sight. It doesn’t stop! And I can hardly take it anymore! What should I do? She’s a sweet girl, and I don’t want to lose my friendship with her, and I really don’t want to be a bad testimony. But honestly, I am finding myself to be more and more stressed at work, and I KNOW this is why. I can understand that she’s just a proud mommy – that’s great, but honestly, I just can’t handle it right now. Can’t she relate with me about things that I actually WANT to talk about, and don’t just have to stand there and try to act like I’m enjoying the conversation? Is that too much to ask? I am really pretty much okay with things the way they are for Troy and I right now when I don’t have to think about them non-stop, but if I am CONSTANTLY being reminded of it by someone else’s comments, I really don’t handle it so well. What do I do? It’s to the point where I’m just avoiding her when possible. Making light conversation when necessary, but keeping it short and sweet, if I can. Just to be able to cope. Any other suggestions on what you would do in my situation???
On a happier note – we got a new car! Well, new to us. It’s a VW Passat, super nice, low miles, and we got a great deal on it. Troy actually found it online, and so last night he called them to find out if they still had it, and they did so we went to Milwaukee to check it out… took it for a test drive, and we were sold. We had been thinking about getting a Jetta, but when this one showed up, we couldn’t pass it up. So that was exciting. We go pick it up tomorrow, so YAY!! Who doesn’t LOVE a new car?! And, as irony would have it, the Cavalier got a flat tire this morning. So poor Troy was late for school, but he got the spare on and it’s still drivable, thankfully.
This weekend we’re going down to Chicago! Woo hoo! My friend Susie, who moved to AZ last summer is flying in to O’Hare with her bf at like 4 AM on Saturday, so she told us if we would go down there to pick them up at the airport, they’d put us up in a hotel Friday night. So not only do I get to see one of my best friends in the world, but I get a free hotel stay with my husband and a day in Chicago out of the deal! Doesn’t get much better than that! ;) So it should end up to be a pretty good week, thankfully. I think God knew I was going to need a pick me up after dealing with A at work all week!

Survey Fun

2007-03-02T13:02:00.000-06:00

Getting To Know Me
1. What is your full name? Cherie June (June is my mom’s middle name too)
2. What year did you graduate High School? 2001
3. Did you go to college? Yes, I graduated in May of 2003 with my Associate of Arts
4. What is your job title? Human Resources Assistant
5. Are you married or single? Very happily married
6. What state do you live in? Wisconsin
7. What kind of car do you drive? Chevy Cavalier (hopefully soon to be replaced!)
8. Do you have kids? Nope, not yet
9. How many places have you lived? 1 state, 5 different houses/apartments in the same general vicinity
10. What is your favorite type of music? I really like a wide variety of music… but it I had to pick a favorite it would probably be Christian Contemporary
11. What are your 3 favorite TV shows? Greys Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, and, well, do Friends re-runs count? :)
12. What are your 3 favorite movies of all time? Of ALL TIME? Jeez, I don’t know! Let’s see… I guess, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days… The Wedding Singer… and… um, maybe Ever After?
13. What is the last book you read? Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar
14. Who is your favorite author? I think I’d have to go with Nicholas Sparks
15. Do you have any pets? 2 cats (Allie and Isi) a puffer fish, and 2 lizards (Bo and Kermie)
16. Which do you prefer: peppermint or spearmint? Spearmint
17. What is your favorite dessert? Cheesecake – any kind
18. What is your favorite type of ethnic food? Probably Italian. Mmmm, pasta!
19. Do you cook? Yes I do – not as often as I should/would like to though.
20. What is your favorite thing to cook? My personal favorite is my Chicken Enchiladas, when I have time. During the week it’s more whatever’s fast and easy, but still relatively healthy
21. Which is better chocolate or white chocolate? How about dark? Yum!
22. What is your favorite flower? Hydrangea!
23. Do you like gold or silver? I like both, but wear gold more because my engagement/wedding ring is gold.
24. Which do you prefer high heels or flats? Heels! ;) Although I do love a good comfy pair of tennies!
25. Who is your best friend? Troy
26. How do you know the person who sent this to you? I got it from Jessica – from the Nest
27. What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Breakfast? What’s that?
28. Do you prefer your food grilled or baked? Grilled
29. What’s your favorite type of vegetable? Green beans
30. What type of exercise do you do (if any)? I love to run, but I haven’t been doing ANY of it lately… come on, spring!
31. How many siblings do you have? 3 (2 older sisters and an older brother)
32. Are your parents married or divorced? Married – for almost 37 years!
33. Where are you at right this moment? At my desk at work :P
34. Would you rather be somewhere else and if yes where? Heck yes! At home, preferably with Troy
35. Do you know how to swim? Yes, although not very well
36. Do you prefer Rollercoaster’s or Merry-Go-Rounds? Rollercoasters! WAY more fun!
37. Which is better Universal or Disney? Disney
38. What was your favorite cartoon growing up? Honestly, I can’t remember. I did love Mr. Rogers, though
39. Who was your best friend when you were little? My cousin Bethany
40. Do you remember playing the game MASH when you were younger? Oh my goodness! That game was great!
41. Who was your first love? Troy
42. How old were you when you got your first real kiss? 16
43. What was his/her name? Troy
44. What is the first thing you notice about someone? Hmm, probably general facial features
45. What qualities would make you dislike someone? Talking constantly about themselves without caring to hear what you have to say. Grr.
46. What is your favorite day of the year (holiday or not)? Christmas!
47. Do you believe in God? Absolutely
48. Do you go to church? Yes
49. What is one thing that most people wouldn’t know about you? In the blogging community? Um, probably that I was a naughty girl in Jr High! Really! And outside that blogging community? That I am infertile. We haven’t told many people yet, although I am starting to try to be more open about it.
50. What 4 words would you use to describe yourself? Devoted wife/friend. Committed Christian. (I know, I know, that’s 5 words. Oh well)

Snow Day!

2007-02-27T13:02:00.000-06:00

So over the weekend we got a total of almost a foot and a half of snow. And since a big chunk of it fell on Saturday night, it was quite hard to get anywhere on Sunday morning. And since it was hard to get anywhere, church was cancelled. And since church was cancelled, we stayed home and did nothing all day! It was wonderful! We never even started up the car! Which, for us, is VERY unusual. We slept in late, watched a movie, had a late lunch, played card games, slept some more, watched the Oscars… and by about 10 pm, I was getting totally stir crazy! But it was really great just to be home all day together. Saturday we had spent most of the day helping my brother and SIL move, so that was a busy day for us, and we were up late, plus Troy was tired from shoveling and not to mention he worked REALLY hard moving. Seriously, he is an animal when it comes to moving! I think he missed his calling in life – he should have been a professional mover! He just works SO hard whenever he helps anyone move… it’s impressive, really. Although I think I’m glad he didn’t become a mover - knowing his luck, he would have had a hernia or 2 by now. :P So that was our weekend.
My Shaklee vitamins came! So I’m going to start taking those religiously, and we’ll see if I notice a difference or not. I’m actually not supposed to expect any noticeable changes before I’ve been taking them for 3 months, but she said sometimes people see them sooner. It just depends. But at least it will be something. And after reading more about the company and the products they sell, I feel more confident that it’s not just some company trying to make a buck by slapping “natural” on their label. They’ve been around for over 50 years, and you can read all about what they make their stuff out of – it’s all organic materials so your body can recognize it and break it down the way it’s supposed to be broken down. So I really hope it helps. And I guess even if it doesn’t help my hormones to get regulated, which it is supposed to do, at least I’ll be healthier overall for it, right? :)
Nothing else much new going on. We got our tax return on Friday, so Friday night we went out and had some fun with that. ;) We’re going to save most of it, but what fun is a tax return if you can’t spend a little bit right? So Troy got me some new jewelry (we found a jewelry store that was going out of business and everything was like 75% off!), and some more of my Angels Heavenly perfume that I needed, and he got some new PS2 games. Oh, and we got new pillows! We got memory foam ones, and oh my, they are amazing! I just love going to bed now. :) And now the rest of the tax return is going into a CD to earn us some interest. We will need all the help we can get with big expenses coming up!

Hubby's Happy Homecoming

2007-02-23T13:01:00.000-06:00

Troy’s home!!! I picked him up at the airport at 11:45 last night, and it’s been WONDERFUL having him home again! ;) So consequently, I REALLY don’t want to be at work today. I’ve been getting next to nothing done… I know, I know, slap me on the wrist. It doesn’t help any that I have like NOTHING pressing coming up, so I really just don’t feel like doing the things that I should, but really don’t NEED to do. Oh well. Troy’s home!
Although, I have to admit that having him gone all week motivated me to get some things done that I had been putting off/wouldn’t necessarily have done when he was home. This week, I…
1 – Got my hair cut! It’s not all that different, I just had her shorten up my layers, and give me some chunkier bangs, which I really like. My boss said it makes me look younger, so I guess that’s a good thing! I can’t wait to get highlights this summer, though. Ahhh, summer.
2 – Called and got and appt with the RE (as I stated in my last post), and received the confirmation/info in the mail yesterday. May 9th can’t get here soon enough!
3 – Ordered some vitamins/supplements from Shaklee. I’m hoping that it will have some positive results while we’re waiting to get in to the RE.
4 – Spent some time with my SIL last night, just her and I, which we don’t usually do, and it ended up being really nice.
5 – Cleaned/aired out the apartment. It got up into the 40’s this week here(isn’t it sad that 40’s seems warm? :), so I took advantage of it, and although it was still cold, I opened up the windows and got some fans going to try and circulate some of the yucky smoke smell out. It helped… for a few hours, at least. :P
So I would say that, although I missed my honey terribly, it was a very good week, and we were both really glad that he went. He said that not only was the conference great, but it was just a very stretching experience for him. Since we’ve always had each other, neither one of us really made an effort to reach out and try to get to know people at college – but he was forced to do that this week, and he really enjoyed getting to know some of the other guys that he goes to school with, but didn’t ever really talk to.
Another result of his trip is that we may be having a change of plans for our near future. See, Troy wasn’t really planning on taking graduate classes after he gets his Bachelor’s degree in May, but being at a seminary where there were excellent professors and just some really sweet Christian people made him rethink his decision. So although he WILL be graduating in May, it looks like we’ll be revisiting the whole education scene come next fall. Which is okay. Good, even. But it will probably have an effect on what we were thinking of as far as kids, house, etc… all the other things that we had “planned” for when he was done with school. You know, at this point, I’m just finding that it’s better just to sit back and LET God have control, because although I said that I WAS doing that already, really, in the back of my mind, I had been planning out exactly how I thought things should go. And we all know what God does when we do that. Ha ha. :) I must just be having a really hard time learning the whole I-don’t-have-control-of-my-life,-He-does thing. So we’re going to be praying about where we should be come August/September. Troy might stay at the college he’s at now, since they do offer graduate classes also, but we could also be looking at a move to either Pennsylvania or Virginia for the seminaries out there. Wow, would THAT be a big change!
But you know, I’m ready for it. I really, honestly feel that WHEREVER God wants us to go next, that is exactly where I want to be. Whether that’s here or 1,000 miles away.

Day #2 of my solitary confinement

2007-02-20T13:00:00.000-06:00

...Well, maybe not exactly “confinement”… and, well, maybe not even so “solitary” but dang, I miss my husband! We talked briefly yesterday afternoon when his plane landed, and then for a good 40-45 minutes last night, so that was good, but talking to him on the phone just reminded me how much he wasn’t there! I honestly don’t know how some couples do it week after week, for days/weeks at a time. I give them a lot of credit, because, frankly, not having him around just sucks! One thing I know for sure – I was not cut out to be single! But he’s doing great – he’s really enjoying everything so far, and doing some bonding with some of the other guys that he’s there with, so I GUESS it’s not THAT bad. :)
I made our first appointment with the RE! It’s not until May 9th, but really, that’s only 11 weeks away, so I’m sure it’s going to go fast. I’m really looking forward to it, actually, just to move forward again and be able to find out what our options are. The only thing I’m NOT looking forward to is the money. :P We have to pay $248 just for the first appointment to meet with the Dr. and talk about our history and everything… the receptionist lady that I set the appointment up with said that we need to bring the $$ with us, and if our insurance will cover some of it, they will figure it out that day. So I had a little mini-freak out session over how we’re going to be paying for all of this since I haven’t been thinking about the money like AT ALL. We have been saving, but we were planning on using it for stuff like, oh you know… a house. A car. A cruise. Weddings coming up this summer. But I think that this is going to take priority over any of those things. Not that we wouldn’t want it to, but I guess I just wasn’t THINKING about it. You know? So, here we go again! Overall, though, I AM feeling hopeful and excited about this since we’re going to see someone other than the OB that seemed like he just wanted to get me out of his office. So it should be good.
My furbaby Isi is doing a lot better already! She has been jumping up on the couch and bed and, well, basically everything just fine, although she still holds her paws up sometimes, so you can tell she’s still sore. But she’s pretty much back to herself, which is great. You can tell she’s a little confused that her claws are gone now, though, because every once in awhile she attempts to jump up on the couch and falls right back down because she can’t grab on like she used to. It’s really sad, actually, but I’m sure she’ll adjust fine. It’ll just take a little bit. :)
Well, payroll awaits so I should get back to work. I hope all you lovely ladies are enjoying your week! Be sure to give your hubbies a kiss when you get home! 2 more days till I can! Woo hoo!

News on my sister's adoption, and some other stuff thrown in...

2007-02-16T12:59:00.000-06:00

They are through the review room! Which, roughly translated, means that the Chinese gov’t has approved all of their paperwork, and now they are just waiting for the referral for their little girl! Unfortunately, they still may have at least 6 months to wait. The whole process has gotten SO long and drawn out… when my sister and BIL started the process, the wait time from start to finish was about 8 months. It is currently at 18 months, and still could get longer. They have been waiting about 11 months at this point, so we are hoping and praying with them that maybe by next Christmas they will have their little Mae home. So, that’s a little update on them. I realized that I haven’t said much about their adoption on here, but we are just all so excited for them to get her home. They’ve been waiting for a baby for going on 10 years, and I know they’ll make wonderful parents. :)
Speaking of waiting for a baby… boy oh boy. So one of the girls at work just had her baby, and brought him in today. I did the good little HR thing and went and saw him, and ended up having him basically handed to me, so I held him for a little while, and then passed him off and got out of there relatively quickly, and tried to pretty much dismiss it from my mind, so as not to come unglued at work, right? Well, about half an hour later, one of the girls who had seen me holding him stopped me. Now before I switched positions, I worked with this girl every day, so we were relatively close - like in a work-relationship sort of way. So I go over by her, because I thought she maybe had a question about something HR related. Oh no. I was totally blindsided when she said, “So does that make you want a baby?” It was weird then, because it was like just out of impulse I just turned right around and as I walked away I just said “You just don’t even want to know!” She just sort of laughed, but as I walked away I just knew that if I talked about it right then with her I would have been a big blubbering mess. I don’t know, maybe eventually I’ll start telling work ladies about it, just to avoid those awkward questions. (Awkward for me, anyway – obviously not for them, or they wouldn’t ask) It’s just that I know how they talk, and if I told one, soon they’d all know, and I’d get those pitiful “oh you poor thing” looks, and attempts at advice, and words of “comfort” that it will just happen when the time is right, blah blah blah. I don’t know. I’m sure eventually we will start telling more people, especially if/when we start doing treatments. I finally got back in touch with the Dr’s office, and got the referral for the RE, so on Monday I have to call and set up an appt. They actually gave me 3 options, so I think I’m going to do a little research and find out which one is the best, if any one is better than another. We’ll see. I’m excited at the thought of moving forward again, though. Only 11 weeks till Troy graduates, which translates into 11 weeks until we can start doing this stuff that we’ve been waiting for. Sigh. I’m ready.
So my kitty made it home! Poor thing, she’s in so much pain. I just held her my whole lunch break long! And I’m planning to go home and spend lots of time with her tonight, too. My poor baby. :( At least they gave us pain meds for her for the next couple of days. That should help. And next week Troy’s going to be gone, so she’ll have plenty of attention from me all week!
So yeah, Troy’s going to a National Leadership Conference through school next week in PA, and it will be the longest that we’ve been apart since we’ve been married! :*( I have to drop him off at 4:30 in the morning so he can catch the flight out there, and he won’t be coming home until 11:30 PM on Thursday… so I’m not going to know what to do with myself. Seriously, I don’t think we’ve been apart for more than 2 days since high school. But I’m excited for him to be able to do this. It’s something he’s wanted to go to since he was a Freshman in college, so it’s going to be great for him. He’s going to be checking out the seminary that it’s being held at while he’s there, too, just as a possible option for when he graduates. He’s not really planning on going to seminary at this point, but we’re open to it if that’s where we feel that God is leading us. So it should be a really good trip for him.
And tomorrow night, kind of as a send-off, we’re going out to our favorite restaurant. It’s the one that we had our first date at, as well as where we got engaged. We haven’t been back for about a year, so it should be special. I think I’m going to talk him into getting nice and dressed up for it! Should be fun! Besides, he owes it to me for leaving for a week, right? ;o)
Oh, and he got me the most amazing Valentines' Day flowers... Hydrangeas! My favorite! It's actually a plant, so come spring I have to find someplace to plant it... I teased him that now the only thing I need is a house to plant it in front of. :) But it's soooo pretty - I'll have to post pictures!

Making a woman out of her

2007-02-15T12:59:00.000-06:00

Well, my little baby Isi is no longer my baby. :( I guess it could have been safe to say that a couple of weeks ago when she was driving us nuts meowing, cooing (or whatever it is that they do), pawing at the windows, and obviously trying DESPERATELY to get some male kitty attention… but as of today, she officially has all of her girly parts gone, and is now a menopausal woman. And not a moment too soon! She was getting so bad that I was tempted just to let her out to get knocked up! It would have been fun having kittens in the house, right? But I resisted the urge, and this morning I took my baby in to become a woman. Last night she was being about as cute as a cat in heat can be, though, all rolling on the floor, putting her paws over her little face… I told Troy that she’s so dang cute if I were a boy cat I’d bang her! Ha ha ha. Okay, that may be a little weird, but seriously! So I called the vet this afternoon and they said she came through the surgery fine, and she’s doing well. We have to leave her there overnight, though, :( so we’ll be picking her up tomorrow after Troy gets off of school. I know I’m going to miss her terribly tonight…. I’m so pathetically attached to that little girl. Or rather, that little woman! ;)

Windy City Weekend and a little of this and that

2007-02-13T12:58:00.000-06:00

Well last weekend was the wedding that I referred to a couple of posts ago… it was in Indiana, but it was so close to Chicago that after the wedding we went downtown and it ended up being a lot of fun. I just love Chicago, so of course I was going to enjoy it. :) We went up in the John Hancock building to the Observatory Deck, and it was just awesome. I had been in the Sears tower a couple of years ago, but had never been to the John Hancock, or done it at night, and it was really neat. So we got some fun pics up there, and then everyone went to the Cheesecake Factory, which is at the bottom of the John Hancock building. Very cool! So it ended up being a fun weekend. I would have loved to stay another night in Chicago, but we had to make it back to teach Sunday School on Sunday morning. So we’ll probably be going back to Chicago next month sometime and spending a night/day there. In fact I just talked to my friend Susie last night, the one who moved to AZ to teach, and she’s coming up over her spring break to visit, so we were thinking of going to Chicago then. And I’ll get to meet her boyfriend! Excited about that, especially since this is the guy she’s most likely going to marry.
Troy and I had some great talks on the way down and back, too, which is a big part of the reason that I love traveling so much! No major distractions like there are at home, just us and the road, and we end up talking about some things that we don’t necessarily talk about in our day-to-day conversation. So it was great. In fact, Jess, I brought up your post about the question of timing and God’s will and everything, and it sparked some great conversation and made us think through it together. For us, it reassured us that even though we still question why we are going through this, at least now we know that we will be able to relate with other people who are hurting, from infertility or otherwise, because we know how it feels to hurt. He is going to make such a wonderful Pastor. See, so you had no idea how far the effects of that post would go!
I put in a call to the Dr’s office to get the referral that I need for the infertility specialist. I figure if we want to go see them as soon as Troy is done with school, I should get moving on it now. Not sure how long the waiting list is. So I’m waiting on them to call me back now. I’m also thinking about contacting a lady who sells Shaklee - my SIL recommended this lady to me who sells it. It’s another natural, herbal thing, which I’m not 100% sold on, but I don’t think it could hurt to give it a try. She said it has helped several women that she knows of to get their cycles regulated/get pregnant. So we’ll see about that. I just don’t want to have to deal with my cycles as they are now until I get in to see the specialist. My last period was 2 weeks long. And I don’t want to go back on the pill, so I’m hoping maybe this will help a little bit – at least keep my periods a little more bearable. We’ll see.
Oooh, and we got our taxes done last night, and we are going to have a great tax return this year! Woo hoo!!! So we’re already figuring how much of that we’re going to save for the cruise, and the rest we’re going to probably save for a new car, which, by May or so, we will need quite desperately. Our car is still running great, but we can tell it’s starting to show its age and mileage. (155,000 miles! Seriously!) We KNOW God is just holding it together. :)
And tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. And you know what that means? I’ve officially been blogging on the Nest for one year! Wow, time flies. But anyway – I haven’t gotten Troy anything yet, but I think I’m going to look for some new cologne for him tonight. He ran out of his CK Eternity a little while back and I’ve missed smelling him! :) Anyone have any suggestions for a great cologne that’s not too outrageously expensive? I was just going to go with Eternity again, but I think I want something different this time. We’ll see what I find. And of course a mushy card. I love being all sentimental in cards! ;o) I hope everyone has a wonderful day with your sweeties!

A mini Yay for Friday! post

2007-02-02T12:57:00.000-06:00

Well here we are at Friday again. Woo hoo! We don’t really have any plans this weekend. Which is totally fine by me because Troy has a lot of homework that he needs to get done. I just want to stay in and stay warm! We’re supposed to have the coldest weather we’ve had yet this year – and maybe this decade – this weekend. As I sit here now, it’s a whopping 2 degrees out, and supposed to get down to something like 10 below, plus wind-chill. Oh my goodness, that’s cold! So I think we’ll stay in and I’ll make some soup (and maybe cookies!) this weekend. And besides church, and maybe running to Wal-Mart, that’s about the extent of our plans. We might get together with a few friends for the super bowl, but we’ll see how much homework Troy still has at that point. We might just have our own little party with the 2 of us. :)
About Troy’s chest pains, we really don’t know anything at all beyond what I said in my last post. The Dr. told him it might possibly be some kind of viral infection that will just go away, or maybe something to do with his esophagus deteriorating because of the heartburn that he gets… but otherwise they don’t really know. He gets them occasionally and they last for a few seconds or minutes and then go away. Weird. So he’s having an EKG done next week just to make sure everything looks okey-dokey with his heart. He has a family history of heart problems, and even though he’s only 24, you can never be too careful right? So that’s where we’re at with that.
I’ve been getting the worst itch to go to a water park (like the Dells!) or something. I don’t care if it’s indoor – I just want to be warm and go swimming! I think I’m already getting cabin fever and it’s only the beginning of February. Winter usually lasts until at least the middle of March here… so I’m in for a long wait at this rate. And I don’t think we’ll even be able to do a weekend thing anytime soon because of Troy’s homework load this semester. Oh well, the end is in sight!
So, I’m off to start my uneventful weekend!! TTFN!

Nothing New

2007-01-30T12:56:00.000-06:00

I really don’t have a whole lot to say, but I have this compulsion to post something, so here I am! I guess since taking a break from ttc, I feel like I don’t really know what to talk about here. I could bore you with the family drama that I’ve been having with my sister lately… or the fact that my cat went into heat this over the weekend (she’s scheduled to get fixed next month) and has been meowing insanely and pawing on all the windows for the past 4 days… or about the little chest pain scare that Troy had last week which ended him up at the Dr’s office, with no conclusion… or that we got a new vacuum cleaner last weekend, and I was so excited because it works like 100 times better than our old one did!… or that I dyed my hair again – a little bit lighter brown this time… or that we went out to Cheesecake Factory on Saturday and I had the most amazing Madeira Chicken and Tiramisu Cheesecake EVER… … …but that would all be boring, so I guess I really don’t have anything to say. :o)

So much to post about! So little time!

2007-01-24T12:55:00.000-06:00

I’ll do the very best I can in the half hour that I have left at work today. Let’s see… speaking of work, I got a change of scenery! And it’s a good thing! Kind of hard to explain, but they put up some new cubes where my desk used to be, so they moved mine to be by my boss’s office… and I just love it! I inherited a window and a bigger - yet a little more closed off - space. So that was my big news here last week. I’m feeling quite a bit more organized now, too, because moving forced me to go through all of my files and get rid of a lot of stuff – something that had been needing to be done for quite awhile.
Another work-related thing, but a little more personal. So last Friday the last of the group of 3 pg girls to have her baby had her shower, and in conversation one of the tellers basically told me she thought I should be in the next group of 3 to get pg. (because you know that thing about how things always come in 3’s) I was like, well okay, since that’s what YOU think, then sure! Grr. Then she rattled off another girl who got married about a year and a half ago who she thought should get pg next too, and then she said she didn’t know who else. Now I think I’ve mentioned this here before, but there is one other IF girl at work here, and she’s been trying, off and on, for over 3 years, and this teller didn’t even think to mention her. I was thinking “HELLO!!!” But I just said, “I think it’s Tamara’s turn, don’t you?” She was like, Oh yeah.
Duh.
So not only was I hurting for me, but I was hurting for her too. How can people be so stupid and insensitive? Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but, seriously, I understand that she would say that to me since she doesn’t know that we’ve been trying, but the other girl? To totally leave her out? Everyone knew when they were going to start trying, and then heard all about their struggles, and the different fertility meds/procedures that they were trying. Duh. So that kind of got my Friday off to a sucky start, but anyway… that was almost a week ago, so I’ll let it go. :) It’s just SO frustrating, you know?
So… what else? Oh, I talked to my best friend from high school last night for like the first time in over a month, and she informed me that she might possibly be getting married this coming summer! Which is AWESOME, I am SO excited for her, but it’s kind of bad timing seeing that she lives in Arizona, and I HAVE to go to her wedding (no question!), and we already have Troy’s brother’s wedding in July, and then the cruise that we were planning (although not really PLANNING yet, per se) for October/November-ish. So if we’re paying for plane tickets to AZ and 2 weddings in July/August… yikes. That’s going to hurt the ole’ vacation budget. But worth it if that’s what happens, of course. :) She’s half Vietnamese, and so she’s always been attracted to Asian guys, but never really had too many around here to choose from. So when she moved to AZ for a teaching job last July she met James. He’s from Hong Kong, in fact, his parents and family all still live over there… so that should basically explain it… and the rest was history! She’s so cute, and I’m so happy for her. And I can’t wait to meet this guy! :)
About ttc… nothing exciting to report. Really, NOTHING. I’m on about cycle day 3 or 4 of really light spotting that I can only assume is the non-ovulatory bleeding that I am all too used to. Lovely. I’m just trying to get through the next couple of months by really focusing on my relationship with God and having faith that in EVERYTHING, I need to believe that He is doing what’s right and best for us. Easier said than done, though – I keep wanting to take it all back and worry about it! So hard, but He’s definitely working in me. So I guess it’s not all just waste of time, right?Well, my time’s just about up. I don’t want to keep Troy waiting, so I’m going to wrap up and get going! Happy hump day!

Joining the survey fun

2007-01-23T12:52:00.000-06:00

... as usual, a little late. :) Hopefully a real post to follow (maybe tomorrow?)
Three Names You Go By:1. Cherie2. Toots (who other than Troy’s nickname for me)3. Cherry-bomb, cherry-berry, cherry tree, cherry-merry-muffin (seriously), cherry pudding (my grandma’s nickname for me)… you name it, I’ve probably been called it… to be expected with a name like mine.
Three Screen Names You’ve Had:1. cheerio11292. swt_chrry3. Mrs. B
Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself:1. My petite frame, thanks to my mom2. My hair, usually. I can wear it straight or curly/wavy depending on my mood (and how much time I have to get ready in the morning!). Sometimes it doesn’t cooperate though, and then it’s a pain in the butt.3. I like that Troy likes the way I look, if that counts. Just the other day he told me that he doesn’t think I need to lose any weight (because he knows I’ve been a bit obsessive about it) – he loves where I’m at right now. What a sweetie.
Three Physical Things You Don’t Like About Yourself:1. My thighs. Ugh. I NEED to start running again!2. My complexion right now – I’m STILL dealing with the after-effects of clomid. Lovely. 3. My wide feet. They’re small (size 5½-6), so shoes are usually a tad too narrow or I have to go a little too long.
Three Parts of Your Heritage:1. Scottish/Irish 2. English3. German
Three Things That Scare You:1. Losing Troy2. Bad thunderstorms at night (really, they do)3. The thought of never being able to have children
Three of Your Everyday Essentials:1. Chapstick – a must!2. My wedding/engagement ring3. Music! I don’t know how I’d get through my workday without it.
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:1. Chapstick :)2. My wedding/engagement ring :)3. Black/pink pinstripe work suit
Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists: Hmmm… this varies a lot from day to day – it’s really whatever I’m feeling at the moment because I like a big variety of music. Some of my top picks of today would include:1. Josh Groban2. Faith Hill3. Casting Crowns
Three of Your Favorite Songs (by above artists respectively):1. When You Say You Love Me – such a romantic song!2. If I Should Fall Behind3. Pretty much all their songs on their Lifesong CD – probably Praise You in this Storm if I had to pick
Three Things You Want in a Relationship1. Total Openness/Honesty – so important!2. Unconditional Love3. Laughter
Three Physical Things about the Preferred Sex Which Appeal to You:1. Dark features (hair, eyes, complexion)2. Self-confidence (that can show in the physical, right?)3. Big/strong enough to make me feel small and feminine
Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:1. Playing the piano2. Star/moongazing with my new telescope!3. Beading
Three Things You Want to Do Really Badly Right Now:1. Hmmm… go home and sleep!2. Get rid of the smoke smell in my apt :(3. Be with Troy
Three Careers You’ve Considered: 1. Nursing2. SAHM3. Teaching
Three Places You Want to Go On Vacation:1. Caribbean Cruise2. Hawaii3. Europe
Three Kids’ Names You Like :1. Jacob2. Ashleigh3. Ryan
Three Things You Want to do Before You Die:1. Become a mother2. Learn to play the violin well3. Become more like Jesus
Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically a Boy:1. I like Playstation driving games :)2. I like wearing baseball hats3. I know how to change oil, tires, and do a brake job on a car (hey, I married a car guy!)
Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically a Girl:1. I LOVE shopping, shoes, clothes, purses… all that girly stuff2. I love to get flowers3. Pink is my favorite color
Three Celeb Crushes:Well, I wouldn’t call them crushes, but I’m also not going to say that they’re not cute! ;)1. Patrick Dempsey2. Matthew McConaughey (those dimples!)3. This isn’t current, but when I was little I thought Fred Savage from the Wonder Years was so cute!
Two Truths and a Lie1. I should be working right now2. I’m craving Mac & Cheese3. I’m not at all excited about our cruise next fall!

Of lost lizards and time...

2007-01-16T12:51:00.000-06:00

Seriously, where does the time go? I want to know! It has been harder and harder to post recently, and even today I have about 10 other things sitting on my desk calling to me... but I have chosen to ignore them for the moment. They're not going anywhere. And it's just stuff like, you know, people's W-2's. Nothing important, right? Ha ha. :) Oh well. So chances are good that this post is going to be a bit all over the place, so bear with me.
On the ttc front, things are pretty much at a standstill. No O this month, and my body is back to its old self again. Which is nice as far as the crazy emotions and stuff, but basically means that well, you know, chances are good that I won't be getting pregnant without some kind of help. As far as the future and our reproduction goes, we've decided to go ahead and see the specialist like we were going to in May, to find out what they suggest/our options, and at that point we'll probably make decisions about what we're going to do and the timing of everything. I can't seem to get the foster care thing out of my head. I don't know if it's God putting in there, but for some reason I keep thinking about it. Troy doesn't seem too excited about it, though, so he said that God would definitely have to change his heart about it if we were to pursue it. I don't know. I definitely want children of our own (to keep forever) someday, but I just feel like being a foster parent could be such a huge, awesome thing. Scary, yes. Very. But SUCH an opportunity. Once again, though, if we were to look into that it would be after Troy's done with school, and even most likely after we own a home. We're kind of at a frustrating point right now, because we're SO close to him being done, and yet this is one of his hardest semesters yet, so he has to stay focused on school and can't think about what's coming afterwards yet. More frustrating for me, really, because I AM thinking about what's coming next, and I want to talk to him about it, but he doesn't want to yet. I am thankful that he is serious about finishing, though. It's SO time for him to be done. Ahhh, less than 15 weeks on Friday... :)
We have a wedding coming up in a couple of weeks that, honestly, I'm not really looking forward to. Nice guy, we know him from church, but he met this girl from Indiana, who nobody really knows and yet for some reason she has asked my sister to stand for her, and Troy and my BIL are both standing for him, so that leaves me to basically fend for myself since I don't know if there's any of our other friends going. I hate being alone at weddings, it just sucks. So that's my whine for the day. At least it will mean a nice night away, though. It's the weekend before Valentine's Day, so maybe we'll make it a little romantic weekend?? We'll see. Funny story though. Troy was talking to the friend (who's wedding it is) last week and he mentioned casually that they will be doing some sight seeing in Chicago after the wedding... and invited the group along to go with them... so Troy's like, oh, like the next day or after the honeymoon or something? And the friend says no, right after the wedding. Ummm... now, call me crazy, but wouldn't someone who has saved themselves for marriage kind of be wanting to do something else after the wedding? Something that doesn't include a whole group of friends? I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy, but we got a bit of a kick out of that. ;)
So you know how I got Troy a lizard for Christmas? Well, surprise surprise, the cats have taken quite a fancy to the poor little thing. This really had not been a problem until yesterday - we've been keeping him on a bookshelf in our bedroom, and the cats like to sit on the shelf below and crane their necks around to look at it. So yesterday Troy was home and our cat Allie decides she wants to get a closer look. So Troy was in the livingroom, and he hears a huge crash coming from the bedroom, and walks in to find the aquarium smashed to pieces on the floor. Of course he assumed the worst right away, that the lizard had gotten killed in the fall... but the lizard was no where to be found. So I'm at work and he calls me all depressed, looking for the lizard but having no luck. I tried to console him telling him that we would get a new one, because we both pretty much assumed he was gone for good. But he was so bummed - it was so sad, girls! But alas! As Troy was getting ready for work he noticed Allie looking up at the curtains in the bedroom, and sure enough, there he was! Maybe a little scared, but none the worse for wear. So not only did I get Troy a lizard, I got him a super lizard! Seriously, we have no idea how the thing survived. The aquarium was glass and there were glass pieces all over the place that really should have hurt him... but didn't. Needless to say, Troy was a little bit relieved!
Well, time for me to get those W-2's handed out. I'll TRY not to be so much of a stranger here, but I can't really make any promises since I don't see work slowing down anytime soon. Have a great day ladies. :)

I AM alive!

2007-01-04T12:50:00.000-06:00

I’m here! I’m here! I’m here! I’ve missed my little Nest home in the last couple of weeks – in fact, I thought a lot about you girls while I was gone. But I’ve been busy, at work AND at home, as I thought I would be… and then you know how that is where you want to blog again, but you just feel like you’ve been away for so long that what’s another day or 2? Yeah, that’s where I’ve been at for the last couple of days. But I’m here, and I’m slowly getting caught up on everyone else’s lives!
Our holidays were wonderful. As I said before, Troy and I had our own Christmas the Saturday before Christmas, and that was fun, too. Girls, I got Troy a lizard! A real, live, long-tailed lizard! And he LOVED it! He had told me a few months ago that he wanted one when we were looking at one at the pet store, so I went back and they had one left. It’s really cool, and it was so much fun to get him something living and breathing. Maybe someday it will be a puppy, but for now, the lizard was a big hit! :) So that was lots of fun, and after presents we enjoyed watching Elf (with Will Ferrell – LOVE that movie! It was one of my gifts from Troy) and eating our pork tenderloin and all the fixins for dinner.
On Sunday the Christmas Eve service and our play went really well at church, and spending time with Troy’s family on Christmas Eve and Christmas day was wonderfully relaxing and enjoyable. Troy’s parents are just so sweet and generous. I have been SOOO blessed with wonderful in-laws. I’m so thankful for that.
Then for New Years Eve we ended up having a party with a few friends and family at our place, and so that went really well and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Of course, it helped that the Packers beat the Bears. :) New Years Day Troy and I stayed in bed until 3 in the afternoon! It was wonderful! When we finally got up we did a little bit of shopping and went out for dinner. I told him that I wished there was a holiday every week. Mmm, wouldn’t that be wonderful?! So that was pretty much our holidays. They’re not quite over for us yet, though, because my family’s Christmas is this Saturday, and also my company Christmas party is on Saturday night. My family always gets together after Christmas, what with all the extended family that 4 married siblings presents… and we do fondue (yum!) and exchange gifts. So I’m looking forward to that. And my company Christmas party should be fun, too – we’re doing a casino night this year, and there’s going to be some great door prizes… yay!... so that will be our weekend in a nutshell. Troy’s back to school next Tuesday already :(. His break has gone WAY too fast. Ahh, but there IS the sweet reminder that this is his LAST. SEMESTER. EVER!!!
On the ttc front. Sigh. We’ve been doing some thinking and talking. For one, I’m probably not going to go back on clomid next month. I was just thinking that if I only have so many cycles of clomid to do – ever – that maybe it might be better to save them for when we’re going to the fertility specialist, since my Dr’s office has been so unbelievably unhelpful thus far. So, pretty much we’ll be at a standstill until at least May. And I say at least because then Tuesday night we were talking about how we would love to buy a house and have opportunities to do things that we might not be able to do when we have kids, whether biologically or through adoption… especially considering the line of work that Troy is going into. It’s not like we’re EVER going to be wealthy, by any means. And we’re okay with that, but it’s just a matter of IF we end up doing a lot of fertility treatments and/or adopting, we’re going to need money to do that, and we won’t have money to spend on other things that we might want. SO… if we won’t be able to get/do those things then, should we wait on pursuing children, just yet? So yeah, they’re some big, hard questions that I almost feel bad asking after all the whining I’ve done about not being able to have kids yet. Not that we would prevent having them, but we just wouldn’t be actively pursuing it yet. I don’t know. It’s so hard. Just, after being off of clomid for only one month, I remember that it’s, well, basically easier to deal with if I’m not being forced to think about things every single day. But I don’t know if that would last. Maybe I’m just feeling that way because I’m not currently surrounded by pregnant girls and newborns. Hmmm… I don’t know. So pray for us, please. We need LOTS of wisdom to make this decision.
Time for me to wrap things up at work. Hope you all are having a great week and start to the New Year!

It's almost Christmas!

2006-12-22T12:49:00.000-06:00

First things first, I just have to say that this place is full of a lot of sweet girls who really care, and I think that is just wonderful. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts sent my way. God only knows why we – or anyone else for that matter – are going through this, but I just have to try SO HARD to keep trusting Him. It’s just that, though. It’s so hard. I question Him over and over again. I want to know why we were chosen to go through this. And I want it to be over – NOW, no questions asked. But obviously that is not going to happen soon, and I just have to try to make the best of it.

On to happier things… I have good news! As of Tuesday night I’m done with my Christmas shopping! Well, actually I still have a couple of things to pick up, but they’re for my family’s Christmas, and we’re not having that until the 6th of January, so I have time. And beside that it’s just my BIL and dad, and we know what we’re getting them.
I am so excited about Troy’s presents! He is seriously so easy to buy for – he’s interested in so many different things, and, really, he’s just a big kid at heart. :) So every year I have a hard time deciding what NOT to get him. I’ll have to tell you girls about it after Christmas, just in case he reads this before then. He just might be the one to come here looking for clues! :) So yeah, we’re doing our little Christmas together – just the 2 of us – tomorrow, complete with gift opening and a fancy dinner and a Christmas movie. Should be lots of fun. Then Sunday morning is our program at church, with the play, and then we’ll go to our candlelight service in the evening, and then to Troy’s parents for stockings. Then Monday morning we’ll go back out there to open gifts and have dinner and just hang out together as a family. It’s always lots of fun – and no stress, because there’s no kids on his side yet, and no pressure on us since they know our situation. Thank God.

Well, I truly hope you ladies have the most wonderfulest of Christmases! You all deserve it! I probably won’t be around much next week because I’ll be extremely busy since it’s a short week and I have payroll to run, and my boss will be gone, and the other lady whose backup I am will be on vacation too. Is that enough to do? :) Hopefully I can still find time to check in though. Hugs to you all!

Disappointment. Again. Ugh.

2006-12-19T12:48:00.000-06:00

I had a rough weekend. Saturday started by my temp dropping and me getting my period. I had tried so hard not to get my hopes up this cycle, but somewhere between ovulation (which DID for sure happen, btw) and when AF showed, I had let it happen. I was devastated. I don’t know if it was because of Christmas, or because after this we’ll only have 2 or 3 cycles of clomid left to try, or exactly why, but for some reason this cycle has been the hardest yet. I just can’t pick myself up. I know that there is a reason for this. I know that we’ll have our family someday. I know that me stressing about it isn’t going to help matters any. But I can’t help it. It just hurts so much. I’ve been so guarded about getting too down about things, trying my hardest to keep a happy face on… but I just don’t really want to anymore. I hurt, and I don’t want to have to act like everything’s just peachy when it’s really, really not. But I don’t like not being happy. I love to laugh, to enjoy life, to count my blessings… but when I just don’t feel like doing those things, that alone makes me feel even more depressed. See the vicious cycle here?
Troy and I decided that I would take a month off of clomid this time around, just to give my body a break, and also because of the money - being around Christmas the budget is a little tighter. I was ready for a break, and yet of course part of me doesn’t want to because of the feeling that we’re wasting precious time. But in all honesty, part of the urgency is gone now that I know we won’t conceive before the end of the year, and we won’t have a special “gift” for the grandparents at Christmas. Sounds kind of silly, but I really was hoping to be pg by the end of the year. I don’t know why it made a difference, but it really did in my mind.
So anyway, our plan now is to take this month off, and then we’ll do our last 2 to 3 (depending on what the Dr says) cycles of clomid, which will take us to March or April, and then wait till May when Troy’s done with school and start seeing the specialist. After we see them, our plan is to see what our options are at that point, and then we’ll decide from there how far we want to take this whole thing/how long we want to keep trying. By July we’ll have been trying for 2 years, and I think, for as tired as I am of this already, I’ll be more than ready to be done with all of it before too long.
Pray for us, please girls? I’m afraid this Christmas isn’t going to be too easy. We’ll be okay, I know we will. But in the meantime, it just hurts.

A hurlde crossed!

2006-12-15T12:48:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note to say that I just got a call from Troy and he just finished his last 2 finals for the semester!! Now only one semester left! YAY!!! And yay that I get my hubby for a whole 3 weeks till he starts next semester!
This weekend will be busy, busy with a play practice (we're in our church's kids' Christmas program this year - as the parents, ha ha) Saturday AM, then dinner with my sister, BIL, brother, and SIL, for BIL's and SIL's b-days, which should be fun.... and as much shopping as we can squeeze into any free time we might have! Wish me luck - I need all I can get!

Update and a confession

2006-12-13T12:47:00.000-06:00

Well, I had this serious downer of a post all typed up, and just decided I didn’t want to post it, because I know I would come off as all depressed and it seems like I always blog here about the bad things that happen infertility-wise. I’ll just summarize it by saying that last night I had a hard night. Chalk it up to another learning experience. I just wish I didn’t get so dang emotional when people (especially people I don’t even know) ask me if we’re going to start trying soon. (And yes, if you hadn’t guessed, that’s what happened.) It led to a very awkward night, and a very sad me. But it’s over now, and I’m feeling better – emotionally, anyway.
Everything else has been pretty peachy. I’ve been kind of sick since Sunday, some nasty stomach bug that’s going around. Stayed home from work on Monday, which was good – I slept most of the day, but now I’m even busier at work this week. Payroll to run, and it’s the end of the year, so there’s more going on in general.
I have a little confession to make. <*whispering* >I still haven’t started my Christmas shopping. Um, yeah. Most people are DONE like a month ago, and I haven’t started yet. Isn’t that TERRIBLE? Troy has been a bad influence on me that way. I used to be so good about getting done early, and then it was like when we got married for awhile he dragged me down with him, and now it’s like role reversals. He’s the one ordering things online 2 months ahead of time. Crazy. So I’m going to be a bit busy this weekend, ha ha. :) And all of my shopping has to be done on the weekends, or evenings, because I don’t have ANY vacation time left this year, so I’ll be working right up until the 22nd. Hopefully we can find most everyone’s gifts pretty easily, and Troy should be easy for me to finish because I know exactly what I’m getting him already. Besides him, it’s just parents, 2 people on each side of the family (we exchange names) and the nieces and nephew, and they’re always easy! :) Maybe some candy canes or something for the youth group, and a couple other little things, but that should be it. Oh, and my family’s Christmas isn’t until the 6th of January, so that will give me a little more time with them.
Oh, and I have Christmas cards, and the postage to put on them, and a rough draft of an update letter to send with them, but haven’t done that yet, either. I’m thinking I might not go to church tonight. As much as I love teaching my little PeeWees, I really desperately need to get some things done. And if I do have anything contagious I’d hate to give it to them.

Take care, ladies, and have a great week!

Body, Mind, Tea & Snow

2006-12-08T12:46:00.000-06:00

Not too sure what’s going on in my body these days. Today is cd24, and although I forgot to temp this morning, (I got up late) for the past 3 days it has been hovering right around the 98-mark. At the beginning of this cycle, it was consistently in about the mid- 97’s, then a few days ago it dropped to 97, then came up to 97.3, then 97.9, and it’s been right around 98 since then. Does the drop, and then slight increase indicate ovulation? I’m assuming it does, but it’s just throwing me off because last time I o’d, it really jumped (like 98.6 or something), and didn’t do that this time. I have had slightly sore bbs like last time I o’d, which is a good sign, and if I did, we had good timing. But I’m just nervous that if I DID o, it wasn’t very strong, because of the relatively low temps and slight, rather than strong, side effects this time around. Although, one thing I did notice more this month than any previous was the discomfort from my ovaries being enlarged. I could actually FEEL them by pressing on my abdomen. And they were like that for about 2 to 3 days, and now they feel like they’re back to normal. OH, duh, and the other reason I didn’t know for sure if I did o is because I never got a positive OPK. And I never had EWCM. What the heck? So… not really expecting too much from this cycle, once again. Oh well. One can still hope. And pray. And I’m doing a lot of that. :)

OK, I just remembered this REALLY WEIRD dream that I had last night. The president of the bank where I work’s middle name is Gaylord. Well, I’ve always thought this was really funny (think Meet the Parents), but I hadn’t thought about it for a long time. Well, last night for some reason I had a dream that he made an announcement that he was changing his middle name, and wanted suggestions from all the employees as to what to change it to. Weird, right? So this morning I had to get some papers signed by him, and almost cracked up as I saw him writing his name and remembered my dream! It was all I could do to keep from laughing! Ah, the strange places the mind goes when uninhibited by consciousness!

Last night was our Ladies’ Tea at church, and it went SO well! My sister and I hosted/decorated a table (which I think I already mentioned), so it was a busy, late night for us, but it was just wonderful. The program was done by a musical group from the high school that I went to, and they did very well. Sang a lot of really pretty Christmas songs. Then we had a speaker for a short time, and she shared some great reminders for us to remember what the Christmas season is all about. After the program, we went downstairs for the “Tea” part of it, and it was just so nice. The guys serve the ladies every year, which is just wonderful, and they serve a light dinner and each hostess makes her own dessert for her table. The lights are all turned down low, and there’s lots of candles and so many pretty decorations. I had made the favors for our guests (bracelets), so my sister made the dessert – a cherry cheesecake. Yum! A couple ladies that I work with came, and they both enjoyed it so much. If I get a chance, maybe I’ll post pictures of our table.

This weekend we’re having a snow activity with our Youth group (fun!) and then Troy’s company Christmas party is Saturday night, so we’ll be busy all day on Saturday. And every spare second that Troy has this weekend will be spent studying for finals starting on Monday, so other than our 2 scheduled events, I probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of him. One semester almost down, one left!

Once again, hope everyone is having Happy Fridays and wonderful weekends! Gotta get that Christmas shopping done!

A Big Catch-up Post with a lot of this and that

2006-12-01T12:45:00.000-06:00

Wow, I have really been a blogging slacker lately! It’s been so crazy at work I’ve hardly had time to think about it, but I have missed my Nesties! And I’d blog when I get home, but I’ve hardly had time there either… so enough of the excuses, I’ll just jump into an update of what I’ve been up to.
Well, let’s see… our Thanksgiving was great. Spent some time with my grandparents, had lunch there, and then headed back towards home to spend a little time with Troy’s family before the day was over. Then Friday… let’s see, what did I do Friday? Troy had to work for a few hours, and so I got our Christmas tree up and some cleaning/rearranging/decorating done. Since we’ve decided to stay at the place we’re at for now, I wanted to finish putting some things up on the walls since I had been waiting on them in case we moved. Rearranged the bedroom, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. For some reason the way we have it arranged now it seems much roomier than how it was before. And we even added a bookcase! So that pretty much took me all day. Then we went out for dinner at Applebee’s and did a little shopping. Saturday we did some things around the house and saw my brother, SIL and nephew for a little while, and then went out for dinner with some friends to a fabulous Italian restaurant that we had never been to before. Mmmm, their lasagna was SO GOOD! Sunday was the usual, church and dinner with Troy’s parents, then home for Troy to work on homework. Let’s see… this week has been pretty uneventful. Except Wednesday was my 24th birthday. But I had to work, and so did Troy, so we just went out for lunch, and then my sister took me out to dinner, which was really nice. Oh, and my PeeWee class at church sang Happy Birthday to me, and my assistant brought in a cake with a candle on it. :) It was special! I did get some fun gifts. Troy’s parents got me… are you ready for this?... a telescope! Troy and I had been looking at them a few months ago, and I had told him that I could really get into that, and then I completely forgot about. Well, he didn’t! So when his parents asked him for ideas for me, he told them, and I got my telescope! I’m so excited about it. I’ve only gotten to use it once so far… it’s been cloudy every night, except for Wednesday night it cleared up just long enough for me to get a pretty good look at the moon. SO COOL! Seriously, girls. It’s just awesome. I am SO going to be a self-proclaimed science nerd. I have a lot to learn, but Troy got me some books on stars and such, so I’m going to start doing my research! I’ve always loved looking at stars and the sky, but I’ve never really been able to study them in detail and be knowledgeable about them, and now I’ll be able to! I’m a little excited about it, if you couldn’t tell!
Today’s been a kind of crazy day. We got about 6 inches of snow last night/this morning, so my boss didn’t make it into work, and I almost didn’t have a ride since I carpool with my MIL and she lives out of town. But (unfortunately:) my FIL came in just to give me a ride. That’s okay, as I said before I’ve been crazy busy, so I would have felt a little bad not coming. (Notice, I said, a little :) Oh well. It’s super pretty to look at though!
My sister and I did some shopping last night for our Ladies Christmas Tea coming up at church next week. It’s a neat tradition that we have at our church every year, where we have a special program with Christmas music or a play or something, and then the ladies all decorate a table, based on the same theme, and we have a delicious dinner. It’s a great outreach, since a lot of ladies from the community come out for it, and a lot of fun, too. So tonight I’ll be decorating at church for Christmas. I was thinking last night about how much I just love Christmas! Everything about it, the lights, the special occasions, the giving, the family time, the decorations, the smells… it’s just one of my favorite times of the year. Of course, it’s a little more bitter-sweet this year, because of the whole infertility thing, but I still enjoy it. A lot.
Speaking of the infertility thing… today’s day 17, and nothing yet. I’ve had a little pain during, er, um, the deed, so that makes me think that at least my ovaries are enlarged. But nothing else yet. I had a little breakdown on Wednesday night, thinking about how I’m another year older, and even though I’m only 24, a few years ago, I thought I’d have at least one kid by now. Sometimes I really feel like it doesn’t bother me too much, but then other times, like that night, my heart just hurts so badly. But Troy was just wonderful, and held me and let me cry.
Did any of you see Extreme Makeover Home Edition on Sunday night? The family was Polynesian, and I absolutely fell in love with their little boy. Big brown eyes, like I’ve always imagined Troy’s baby would have. So I hopped on Bethany’s (the agency that my sister and BIL are going through for their China adoption) website, and they have a program in the Philippines that I was very interested in. But the parents have to be at least 27, and I don’t want to wait that long. My sister said that Vietnam allows adoption, too, but Bethany doesn’t have a program there, so I might (possibly?) look into that. I don’t know. I thought I wanted to do domestic, at least for our first, if our first isn’t biological, but seriously, I fell in love with that little boy. We’ll see what happens in the next few months here.
My future SIL (Troy’s brother’s fiancée) asked me to stand up for her in their wedding next July, and I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to be about 7 months pg at that point. Ha! Who else would wish to be pregnant for a wedding? :)
My friend Amanda at work had her baby this morning. I told her I’d go see her, but I’m not looking forward to it. Seeing newborn babies in hospitals kind of gets to me, for obvious reasons. And I don’t want to get all weepy and make a scene. So I hope I can keep it together.
Well, this has been all over the place, but at least I feel like I’m all caught up since the last time I posted. Now I have to catch up on everyone else’s!
Hope you ladies have wonderful weekends!

Turkey Day, Survey, and other randomness that is my life

2006-11-22T12:45:00.000-06:00

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, mostly because there’s not too much going on. I’m excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow – we’re traveling down to Chicago area to be with my grandparents, who we haven’t seen for awhile. We’re leaving tonight after Troy gets off of work and spending the night at their place so that we can be there right away in the morning to help with getting dinner ready! Then we’re leaving after lunch to come back and visit with Troy’s family a little bit. Then I have Friday off work, so even though I don’t have any plans, I’m excited to have a day to sleep in and catch up on some things around the house, and start decorating for Christmas. Maybe even do a little Christmas shopping! (do I really want to brave the crowds? We’ll see)
As far as ttc, it’s cd8 today, and nothing to report yet. Finished up the clomid yesterday so now we’re just waiting, baby dancing, hoping, and praying. :)
Now, I leave you with a survey…
1. Taco Bell, Chipotle or Baja Fresh?
Definitely Chipotle, since Taco Bell does not sit well with me… and I’ve never even heard of Baja Fresh
2. Worst police-related experience?
Wow, do I have a story. When we were engaged I got Troy a little hand-held bb gun that he had wanted, and we were going to leave to go somewhere, so he brought it with him to look at in the car. Well, he started acting like he was pointing at things and shooting at them outside the car. Can you see where this is going? Well, someone saw him doing this, and freaked out because the gun looked really real, and they thought he was going to go off on a shooting rampage or something! So they called the cops, and next thing I know my mom is calling me telling me to go to the Police Station because the County Sherriff had STOPPED BY OUR HOUSE to try and find me! I guess if they would have found us we would have been pulled over, frisked, handcuffed, the whole works. Thankfully that didn’t happen, and we got away with a little slap of our hands. Kids! :)
3. Would you track your kids with a microchip?
Um, no microchips freak me out.
4. Name a friend you have the most in common with?I’d have to say my sister. We’re pretty much at the same place in our lives right now, with both our husbands in school and not being able to get pg.5. What color are your toenails?bright pink!6. Do you know anyone in prison?
No.
7. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?
Comb, most definitely!8. In your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?Oh, I don’t know. Brad Pitt is always smokin hot… not that I’m looking or anything!9. Describe yourself using three words:
Christian, wife, caring10. Favorite accent?Probably Australian – or maybe French? I don’t know.
11. Scariest movies as a child?I don’t really remember any movies as being scary when I was little. I think my mom was very careful with what we watched.12. Do you do your own laundry?Yes, all of mine and my hubby’s.
13. Favorite spot to be kissed?Lips or neck14. Shrimp or Steak?Steak, hands down15. Cubed ice or crushed ice?
Cubed. Crushed is so annoying when you’re trying to drink out of a cup and it keeps getting in the way!
16. Favorite 80's band?
Oh, I don’t know, maybe Bon Jovi?17. Gym buff, or do you think working out is over-rated?Somewhere in the middle? I love to run, but I’m not much for “working out” per se.
18. Which do you notice first, a guy's chest or arms?
Wha…?? Odd question. Probably chest first, since it’s directly under, um, HIS HEAD, where I would be looking!
19. Can you dance?Heck no.20. Favorite brand of beer?Yuck. Beer.21. Ever come close to dying?
No, although sometimes I’ve felt like it when I’m riding with Troy!22. How many things in your past do you regret?A few, but really, looking at the past with regret is a bit of a waste of time, don’t you think? You can’t change it now!
23. Have you ever felt like killing somebody?Actually? No. Figuratively? Maybe.24. Are you listening to music?
Yes, my Yahoo Launchcast station at work! Christmas music!25. Are you shy?
I am with new people. Not very good at the whole “getting to know you” phase.26. Does Hot Topic scare you?
Can I admit that I’ve never been in one? I guess that says yes, then.27. Do you shop at Hollister?Used to in High School, not at all anymore28. Do you support the war in Iraq?
Yes. Remember 9/11/01? Although, I kind of have mixed feelings about some things.29. Can you speak French?
No, unless you count the accent that I had to learn for the play that I was in my Sr year of high school. I was a French maid :)
I would love to learn, though.30. Have you ever baked cookies?
Um, yes, I make some killer chocolate chip cookies!31. Do you bake well?
Usually :)32. Do you want to move to another state?
Sometimes, but I do love WI and how we get all 4 seasons here.33. Would you shave your head for $900?
Probably not
34. Do you watch Desperate Housewives?
No. Our TV gets turned off right after Extreme Makeover Home Edition on Sundays35. Do you like planting flowers?
Hmm, well let’s see. I’d love to plant flowers IF I HAD A PLACE TO PLANT THEM!! (I can’t wait till we don’t have to rent anymore, if you couldn’t tell)
Happy Thanksgiving!

Here We Go Again

2006-11-16T12:43:00.000-06:00

Well, it’s cd2, and I just got the okay from my Dr’s office to up my Rx to 150 mg and try it… again. I’m a little hopeful, and yet, not really. So just hope and pray the best for us, please?! :)

Busy day at work… we’ve got 7 people leaving in the next month or so (and in a company of 58 people, 7 is a lot!), and at least 6 new people coming in after that, so being in HR, that means a busy busy me. Plus I’m largely the one in charge of planning our company Christmas party, so I’ve been working on organizing committee meetings and calling caterers and all kinds of fun stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like I’m planning my wedding all over again! :) But that’s okay – I’d much rather do that than some of the other things that I do.

I’m so glad it’s almost Friday. Our Chicago plans fell through for last weekend, so we might go down there now this weekend. I asked Troy if we could make it an overnight thing, just for me, because my birthday’s coming up! So I think I twisted his arm enough last night (I didn’t really have to twist too hard:), and he’s even going to give me a bunch of spending money for while we’re down there! Aren’t birthdays great? It’s not until the 29th, but that’s okay, this way it will just be stretched out over a couple of weeks!

Ladies meeting tonight at church, and then home to do some serious cleaning, and that leaves a little time for catching up with my husband when he gets home from work!

The Easy Button

2006-11-14T12:42:00.000-06:00

I really don’t have anything new going on, so I haven’t posted much.
As far as ttc, I’m officially just waiting for AF to come now, since today is day 30 and never ovulated. Arg. Don’t get me going. I have to call my Dr. – I think they’ll just up me to 150 mgs of Clomid, but I’m not sure. I’ll probably call this week some time.

I’m really starting to warm up to the idea of just giving up ttc and pursuing adoption seriously. Not right away, but definitely before too long. I don’t know yet for sure… there’s so much we haven’t done as far as ttc, but just the thought of dragging ourselves through month after month of NOT KNOWING whether or not all of it will lead to a baby… is not appealing to me. And as much as I would LOVE to be pregnant and have our own biological baby… I just don’t know if I want to put myself through all the heart break and uncertainty… I guess I just don’t know right now. Is it selfish to think that I don’t want to go through heart break in order to conceive? Am I just all wrong here? Cause if I am, any one of you who are farther into this than we are can just slap me upside the head and tell me to quit being so selfish/silly/naïve/whatever else you want to call me. I guess I’m just feeling so different about things than I thought I would at this point. I thought I’d be feeling even more heartbroken. Wanting our own bio baby even more. Am I frustrated? Yes, incredibly. But more heartbroken? I honestly don’t know. Every once in a while something hits me especially hard and I think that I am, but I think more than heartbreak, I’m just feeling so desperate for some sort of HOPE to cling to… or, I guess more than that, some way of KNOWING for sure that we WILL have a baby, and soon. And adoption is so appealing to me in that regard because we will have something FOR SURE to be working towards. I won’t have to worry that we will go through years and years of waiting and treatments, only to still be childless in the end. To miss out on all that time of being parents. But I’m so confused about my own feelings, because part of me feels like I should want to try harder for our own baby… to give that baby a chance.
This is SO HARD. So complicated. And why? Why does something that should be so un-complicated have to be this way? You know what I could use right now? An Easy Button. You know those Staples commercials, just hit the Easy Button? Well where’s my Easy Button when I need it?
Sure, I’d love to get pregnant!
Just hit the Easy Button!
What, you can give me a baby right now?
Just hit the Easy Button!
You know, I could really use some help making this decision about whether to continue ttc or start adoption.
Just hit the Easy Button!

Wow, wouldn’t that be nice?

Oh, I do have one other piece of news. They finished our wall! Saturday he put the finishing touches on it. It’s kind of rough – like you can tell he just whipped it up in a hurry, but at least now we have a wall, with a locking door. They actually made the wall into a bookshelf, so last night Troy and I worked on transferring a bunch of our books from one of our bookshelves that we already had over to the new one. It’s starting to look a little better, but I want to add some décor interspersed with the books to make it look a little nicer… you know, so it’s not just a bunch of stuffy old books.

So I guess this ended up being pretty long for not having anything to say. Isn’t that how it goes? It gives me a chance to think about things, and that can be dangerous! Anyways… I’d love to hear input on my thoughts from those of you who are also going through this, and have done it longer than we have. Did you feel this way too, or am I just crazy, or really different?

My Very Best Attempt at Being Cheery

2006-11-08T12:41:00.000-06:00

Well, after my depressing post yesterday, I felt compelled to post something a little more upbeat today. Life is good, it really is, it’s just this darn, um you know, the fact that we can’t seem to make a baby, that’s getting me down sometimes. Yesterday was just a BAD day as far as that goes. I thought maybe it would get better as the day went on, but when I was waiting in line to vote, I was surrounded by cute little kids and babies, and then at the laundromat I was minding my own business and some lady decides to tell me that I should be thankful that I don’t have kids yet because she wishes she had waited longer before having them… all 3 of them. I could hardly stand it. I just didn’t say anything and got out of there as quickly as possible. What I FELT like saying was, lady, if you didn’t want to have kids, then you shouldn’t have had kids. Period. Some of us would give ANYTHING to get pregnant 3 TIMES – at ANY point in our lives. *sigh* Why can’t people just realize what a gift their children truly are? Some people do, I don’t mean to generalize like that, but it seems like the vast majority of people that can get pg without even trying don’t have ANY CLUE what a great thing it is.

Boy, I’m not doing very good at being up beat today, am I? Okay… upbeat, upbeat, upbeat… ummm, we’re going to Chicago this weekend! You know I mentioned Troy’s little model airplane selling escapade that he’s doing? He ordered a bunch of them from China, and now we have to go to Chicago to pick them up. I’m so excited! I really really like Chicago. Unfortunately it’s just a day thing (we’re only about 2 hours from Chicago), not even overnight, but that’s okay. It will be a fun day with just the 2 of us. I can’t wait to do some shopping! :)

Hope you ladies are all having a great Wednesday. 2 more days till Friday!!!

So tired of this

2006-11-07T12:41:00.000-06:00

Still no O. And I don’t think there’s going to be one this cycle. It’s already day 23, and nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. What is wrong with my body? I can’t even get an egg on medication! I’m just so sick of this already. And I feel completely powerless, because even the things that I’m trying to do to make things work aren’t working.
Not even a year and a half that we’re into this… and already I’m just ready to be done with it. I just want to have sex for the sake of having sex. I want to actually have a GOOD morning for once, instead of waiting to see those numbers spike, and it never happens, and being completely disappointed before I even get out of bed in the morning. I want to see two lines on SOMETHING. I want to feel morning sickness… a baby moving inside of me… see my husband talk to our baby in my belly… feel labor pains… be able to decide which features of our baby look like which one of us… be able to breast feed my baby naturally… and SO many more things that I want, and I’m beginning to think I’ll never have.

One by one, month by month, all the hopes and dreams I ever had of having a baby of our own are going down the drain.

Is this really happening? Can’t it all just be a really long, REALLY BAD dream? When will it end?

I’m so tired of it.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

2006-11-01T12:38:00.000-06:00

I’m going to echo Jessica, here. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m requesting each of you to go to RESOLVE.org (click here) and if there is no insurance coverage for infertility treatments in your state, send your representatives a letter requesting that they introduce legislation to have coverage. Then all you have to do is fill out your name, address, check a couple of boxes, and they will do all the rest for you. This may seem like a small thing, but for those of us going through it whose insurance doesn’t cover anything, it would mean a lot. Personally, I know that we would do more infertility treatments if insurance covered them. It’s a sad thought that we may not be able to have a bio baby because of money, and having insurance coverage would change that. So it actually is a pretty big deal. So take a couple of minutes to fill it out and do your good deed for the day! ;) We infertiles thank you!

Speaking of IF, still no O for me yet. I know I may have a few days to wait, but I’m getting impatient! I still haven’t had any side effects, and I guess I’m just so afraid that it’s not going to work this month either, that we’re just flushing more time and money down the toilet. Pray that my ovaries cooperate and I can at LEAST ovulate this month!!!

But I DO have some good news! They started putting our wall up last night! And he was supposed to be working on it again this morning while I’m at work, so I’m hoping that it will be a good chunk of the way done when I get home this afternoon. Also, another place opened up that might be a possibility if this wall-thing doesn’t help. It’s a house that one of the ladies-I-work-with-’s parents own. We’re going to go look at it, maybe later this week. Probably wouldn’t move until the end of December if we do, but at least we could know that something else was out there that would work out. The only thing is that it’s about 15 minutes out of town, so it would be farther for Troy to go to school. I could deal with a 15 minute commute to work, I’ve done that before, but I just don’t want to put more time-pressures on my hubby for school. But he said he didn’t think he would mind, so we’ll see what we think when we look at it. :) Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Whew! Crazy Day!

2006-10-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

I so wanted to post yesterday, but I’ve been so busy the past 2 days I haven’t had a chance! Didn't I tell you that my job is like that - crazy one minute and then bored to tears the next? Well, this week has proved that.So, quick recap of what I was going to post yesterday:1. I was in a bit of a car accident on Tuesday night. Ha ha. Okay, what kind of freaking moron would actually get in an accident with a PARKED CAR??? Oh yeah, that’s right, that would be me. Monday night I was backing out of our driveway, and we live on a corner. Well, someone started turning onto our street just as I started backing out, so I wanted to do it quickly. In my haste, I sort of neglected to look behind me, and backed RIGHT into the side of a parked car on the other side of the road! IDIOT! (think Napoleon Dynamite) So I pulled back into the driveway and ran up to tell Troy what happened. The damage really wasn’t that bad, and the car that I hit wasn’t exactly in perfect condition anyway. But he thought it would be best to leave a note with our names and phone numbers just to do the right thing. So I did, and then a couple of hours later we saw the guy outside looking at his car, so we ran out. He thanked us for leaving the note, and said not to worry about it right then. (It was like 11:30 PM at this point) He said he’d just call us in the morning or something. But he never called! So it really could have been much worse. My red Cavalier is now the proud new owner of some grey paint scrapes on the back passenger side… but it could be much worse. We’re not going to bother paying our deductible to get it fixed since we’re planning on getting a new car next summer anyway. :) I know, I’ll be driving a jalopy around until then. Oh well.
2. I got flowers at work from Troy on Tuesday! They’re so pretty – they have Hershey Kisses in them on “stems” – kind of hard to explain, but really cute. See, Troy and I have this kind of joke running for the past few years that since he thinks that Sweetest Day is a crock, he doesn’t get me anything that day, but a couple of years ago when we were talking about it he realized how much it bothered me that he couldn’t just get me a couple flowers or a card or something, so he started “Un”Sweetest Day… where he’ll give me flowers or jewelry or something a few days or weeks after Sweetest Day. :) It always makes me smile!

3. Umm, what was 3? Did I only have 2 things? Hmm, seemed like there was so much more. I’ve been busy at work, like I said, because we’re doing our annual United Way campaign, and I’m partly in charge of organizing things. We’re doing a Silent Auction, so people are bringing things in to donate for the auction and I have to approve them and get them all ready and set out. It’s been fun, and it goes until next Saturday, so I should be busy with it until then. Although I’m sure a lot less busy now that it’s all set up.

So, I guess that’s about it. Hope everyone has a great evening! Tomorrow’s Friday!!!

I'm bored, bored, bored.

2006-10-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

I finished just about everything I had to do at work today… by 11:00 this morning. This makes for a very boring day in Cherie-land, if you couldn’t tell. Unfortunately, with all this time on my hands, I don’t have much going on to post about. So you get a very boring post today, you luckies!
As far as ttc goes, today is cd9, with no symptoms yet. I want to check my chart when I get home, but I think my first cycle I didn’t get sore bbs until day 12. So it’s too early to be feeling ANYTHING, unfortunately. I want to FEEL things happening, so that I know somehow that this cycle is going to work. Even if we don’t get pg, I’d still like to o… that’s not too much to ask, is it? I was joking with Troy the other day that all these girls are popping out babies left and right, and I can’t even pop out an egg! We had a good laugh. :) Because if you can’t laugh about stuff, then you’re going to be miserable, right? So we laughed. I just want SO BADLY for this to work this time.

Ummm, in other news… let’s see here. Really, I can’t think of ANYTHING. How boring am I today? Troy made lunch for me today, so that was sweet. Usually we have lunch together, but I have to make it when I come home on my lunch break. Well today he had some nice chicken sandwiches all ready for us. It was nice. :) He’s all excited because, and I don’t think I’ve said anything about this before, but he LOVES flying model airplanes (such a kid at heart :), and he and my brother came up with this scheme to make money selling these airplanes. So they ordered a bunch of them from China, and to make a long story short, the first one is coming tomorrow or Thursday. So he’s like peeing his pants he’s so excited about it. (okay, not really, but he’s pretty excited) And today he got his mid-term grades back, and he’s getting all A’s, B’s, and a couple of C’s, so I’m proud of him. He tries SO HARD – really, he does, and school has never come easy for him, so I think he is just doing EXCELLENT. :)

I’ve got so much to do tonight. Isn't it crazy how life is like that? I'd give anything to be home right now working on this stuff that I have to do, but instead I'm stuck here, twiddling my thumbs... So, tonight I’m supposed to play piano for our nursing home service that our church does (I do this every other Tues), and then I have to go grocery shopping, plus I NEED to do laundry, and I wanted to run… usually the laundry takes 2 hours alone (at the Laundromat – we don’t have hookups in our apt), and I have to travel ½ an hour each way for grocery shopping, so that’s another hour and a ½ at least… and I have to be to Troy’s work by 9:00 to pick him up. Can you see my dilemma? And I wanted to watch Gilmore Girls! I’m hooked now that Lorelai is with Chris again, and Logan is supposed to be back tonight! But unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be watching tonight. :( Oh well. There’s life beyond Gilmore Girls, I guess. Ha ha. :D

Well, is this long enough yet? Are you crying from boredom? Because I’m about to, I swear. Help! Rescue me! Someone needs to post a survey or something!!!

I sincerely hope you girls are having a more interesting day than me! ;)

Life's short. Eat dessert first.

2006-10-21T10:56:00.000-05:00

We rented Adam Sandler’s “Click” last night – and although there were some parts that I could have done without, it was a cute movie. It’s the kind of movie that leaves you feeling like you should be thankful for your life as it is, and take advantage of every second. Made me think about how much I love my hubby and want to let him know that – all the time! I’ve been feeling a bit frustrated lately because when he’s in school I do ALL of the housework – every last little bit of cleaning, dishes, laundry, cooking, ironing, cleaning out the cat’s litter, vacuuming, bills, etc, etc, etc… plus working my full-time job, and staying very involved at church. I do it because I want to make things easier for him so that he doesn’t get stressed out about school. Which I am fine with, when he is taking his time at home to actually DO homework. But when he uses his time at home to do things that AREN’T homework, more just like leisurely, enjoyable things for him, I tend to get more than slightly frustrated. Honestly, I don’t think he really stops to think about how much I do around the house… and if he did, he might show a little more appreciation, or at the very least feel obligated to actually do his homework when he is home. I’ve told him this is how I feel, but sometimes it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband IMMENSELY. Just this one little thing has been getting to me lately. So, all that just to say that the movie last night reminded me that, yeah, I get frustrated. We have our moments. But really, we love each other, and we need to be showing that – and enjoying the time that we have, because...
life is short.
And that’s my two-cents for the day.

Survey

2006-10-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

1. If you could build a house anywhere where would it be? ANYWHERE??? Honestly, I’m not really sure. I think that as long as it was with my husband, and we can have kids to fill it up, I’d be happy even if it were in the North Pole. :)
2. What's your favorite article of clothing? Probably my most comfy pajama pants, although I do have a little black dress I just love.
3. The last cd you bought? Ummm, it’s been awhile, but I think it was MercyMe’s “Coming Up to Breathe”
4. What time do you wake up in the morning? Usually between 6:45 – 7:15 (I think I’ve mentioned on here before that I’m one of those people that hits the snooze about 50 times before getting up) Although, yesterday I woke up at 8:09, and I was supposed to be to work at 8:15! I called my boss and she said I could have the day off if I work Saturday till noon. I told you I have the best boss in the world! :)
5. What's your favorite kitchen appliance? My coffeemaker!
6. If you could play an instrument what would it be? I’ve always wanted to learn violin. I’m still entertaining ideas of taking lessons. And I’d love to be better at the piano
7. What are your favorite colors? PINK! Pink, pink, pink. :)
8. Do you believe in afterlife? Absolutely.
9. Which do you prefer sports car or suv? Well, seeing as I’ve never had either, I’ll venture to say that if I had to choose, I’d probably pick an SUV… although I like to drive little cars, so I’m not 100% sure…
10. Favorite children's book? The Little Engine That Could
11. What is your favorite season? Just one? Ummm, probably Summer, but I do love Fall, too, and Spring, and I love the snow in Winter, too… oh, I don’t know!
12. If you could have one super power, what would it be? Invisibility. That would be awesome. :)
13. If you have a tattoo, what is it? Nope, no tattoos on this girl
14. Can you juggle? Absolutely NOT – but Troy’s pretty good at it! :)
15. Name one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to? Ooo, what a fun question. I think, probably my Grandpa G, since he died when I was 8, and always lived half the country away, so I never really got to know him much.
16. What's your favorite day? Day of the year or day of the week? Recently, the fave day of the year has been the day after Thanksgiving. Since my b-day is close to Thanksgiving, typically Troy and I take that day and go somewhere, spend the night, and just have us-time. It’s great. Last year it was Chicago, the year before that it was Appleton, this year I’m trying to talk him into Chicago again since we’re only 2 hours away and I just LOVED it last year, with all the Christmas decorations up and everything. Anyway – if we’re talking day of the week, definitely Saturday, hands down

sigh. what a weekend. what a monday.

2006-10-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

Can I vent? Well, sorry, but I’m going to anyway. So as a warning, there will be a lot of whining done today. Don't say I didn't warn you! I love my life. I really do. I love my husband, my family, my church, my friends, my job. But sometimes I just feel so frustrated with… well, almost everyone and everything. Except Troy – he’s been my sweetie through all of this.
I was so set on not focusing on the baby thing… just try and let be what will be. But it seems like ever since I decided to do that, it’s been even harder. I’m trying, I really, REALLY am. But every time I’ve turned around something is reminding me of it and making me all upset again. Sunday, it was a friend of ours who got married after us, started trying about the same time, and now has a happy little 6-month old… asking us “how close” we were to having kids. In church, no less. Troy answered his question – told him the truth, and he responded with, well, we wanted to have another one right away, but our insurance changed and so we have to wait a couple of years now, so we know how you feel. Um, I’m sorry, but did you just say you know how we feel? He really was trying to be sweet and understanding, but really, do you really know how we feel because you can’t CHOOSE to pop out another kid whenever you want? I stood there, avoiding eye contact with him, and biting my lip to keep it from quivering. We left right after that conversation, and I didn’t make it past the front stairs before I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. Troy asked how I was doing, and I told him not too great, and he was SO SWEET – just let me cry, and held my hand (as he was driving), and he said he’d give anything just to have ONE of our own, so it’s not fair for people to say they know how we feel when they can have as many kids as they want basically whenever they want. So that was our Sunday ordeal. Oh, and we had another little incident with my family. I’m not sure what’s going on there, but honestly, I’m starting to feel a little like my family could care less how Troy and I feel. And then today at work my 7-month pregnant friend decided to ask my how things were going with my “medical situation” as she called it, which, I do appreciate that she was sweet and asked, but am I wrong for not really wanting to go into detail about things to her when she REALLY. DOES. NOT. UNDERSTAND. how I’m feeling/what I’m going through? She tries to be sweet, and I really give her credit for that, but when she e-mails me saying “Just keep thinking positive! I know it’s hard, but everyone is there for you…” Really? Do you know it’s hard? Is everyone there for me? Hmm, sometimes it sure doesn’t seem like it.
I’m sorry. Whine, whine, whine. I know. This post has been extremely negative. I guess I’ve just been feeling a little beaten down the last couple of days. God is good – I KNOW He is, and I also know that He IS doing what is the very best for me. I just really wish sometimes that I could see things from His perspective. Don’t you ever wish that? God, what exactly are You doing, here? Couldn’t you test my faith a different way, please?, because I’m ready for this one to be over with. I always feel bad for saying things like that, though, because I know that, for one, He DOES know what He’s doing, and also, so many other people have struggled for so much longer with infertility. We’ve only been at it for less than a year and a half. Not very long, in the big scheme of things, but it still sucks.
Okay, that’s enough of the depressing talk.
On to the positive things from the weekend:1. Friday night at the mall with the girls. It was lots of fun – they really had a good time, and we’re planning on doing it again. I really love spending time with those girls. Makes me feel young, and yet old at the same time, because I’M the leader now, and it feels like yesterday that I was the one in the youth group, giggling and talking about boys. :)
2. Saturday. Just exactly what a Saturday should be. Sleeping in with my honey, getting the house clean, shopping, eating out, and ending the day with watching a movie. I just LOVE Saturdays like that.
3. Sunday dinner with Troy’s parents. It was good to be able to get away from the comments at church and issues with my family and just laugh and have an enjoyable time with them. They’re always good for that.
4. Sunday afternoon naps. Mmmm, I just love those.
5. Sunday service. Our pastor is out of town, so Troy preached, and it was such a great message. It just makes me oh so excited to realize how he is growing, changing, and becoming a man that I KNOW God is going to use so greatly. Can I just say, I love that man. Oh, and my Pee-Wee’s sang in church, and were SO CUTE. One of the little girls, who is 3, winks at everyone when she is up in front of the entire church. We always say a Bible verse that they’ve learned and sing 2 songs, and another one of the girls informed the whole church that “I know this song!” before we sang the second one. It’s all I can do to keep from laughing out loud! I wish I could get a video of them on here. You girls would melt! I love those kids. ;)
Um, and I guess that’s about it for a really long weekend recap. Oh, and I’m waiting to hear back from the Dr’s office about my chart for this cycle… and I started spotting on Saturday. The nurse said they’ll just up my dosage after the Dr confirms no O on my charts. Yay, here we go again. But we can hope for the best… we HAVE to.
Thanks, girls, for being here. <3

Hump Day Revisited

2006-10-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

So, I realize that yesterday was hump day, but I had this whole post dedicated to it all typed up and then the Nest wouldn't let me post it! So, since I didn't have a chance to earlier today, I'm going to recap.
See, I was chatting with our maintenance guy at work on Wednesday morning, and he casually mentions that it was almost Thursday. Stupid me says, “Yup! It's hump day!” without really thinking anything of it... until he says back to me, “well, maybe for you, but every day is hump day for me.” AAAGGHHH!!! I just about died! I mean, it would be one thing if this guy were young, but he's freaking 70 YEARS OLD!!! I couldn't believe he said that to me! So I quickly resolved never to mention hump day to a man again. :)And that was my hump day post - condensed version. I guess it came out kinda boring this time around. Don't you hate that? Oh well.
Ummmm... let's see. I'll be calling the Dr tomorrow, since it will be day 40, and it's my early Friday, so I'll be able to update on Monday to let you know what they say. I'm hoping that they won't make me wait longer before giving me Provera or whatever to bring on AF. I took an HPT yesterday, just so that I could tell them that I KNOW I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT pregnant. What a surprise to only see one line. Ha ha.
I'm taking my youth group girls to the mall tomorrow afternoon, so that should be a good time. :)
And then on to the weekend! We don't really have any plans for Saturday, which is a very good thing. Troy's got homework to do, and I seriously need to do some cleaning around the house. Speaking of the house... the situation hasn't really gotten any better, except that they haven't opened up the doors since Sunday, that we can tell. Unfortunately, though, it still smells. :( But I got some great new candles tonight! Pumpkin Spice, so it'll smell all nice and fall-y.
Well, this post has been pretty-much all over the place, so I guess I'll close it off. I could tell you all about my family drama that we had yesterday, but that would take entirely too long and probably end up boring you to tears, so I won't go into details. Let's just say my dad was kind of a jerk and got me really upset, so I tried to defend myself, and he ended up apologizing, but kind of in a way that let me know that he thought I was still at fault. Mind you, this was all through e-mails, so there's kind of that communication barrier to begin with, and then it's all stretched out over several hours... ugh. Gotta love family, don't ya? I do, but sometimes it's just harder to act like it than others! :)
Anywho, I hope everyone has a loverly weekend! ;o)

The BIG TALK

2006-10-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

Well, we did it. We had the big talk with the landlords. It all started Saturday night, when we came home from being gone all afternoon/evening. As soon as we walked in we could tell that our place smelled very strongly of smoke, and we could hear them shutting the doors downstairs that separate us from them. (Yes, you read that right. They had the ONLY DOORS that separate our apartment from theirs OPEN!!! – and this wasn’t the first time they’ve done this since they moved in) And since they live downstairs, and we live up, the smoke just comes right up the stairs like a chimney when those doors are open. No wonder it’s been smelling so bad! I just about came unglued! So after calming me down, Troy and I sat down and composed a letter telling them exactly how we felt about the situation. For one, our privacy and security felt VERY threatened – to say the least – and then of course the smoke issue. Then we went to a website that had landlord/tenant law to find out what our rights were as far as them opening that door. Basically, we could get them in big trouble for opening that door without warning us, and without a good reason. So we printed that and included it with the letter. We stuck it under their door Saturday night before we went to bed, and Sunday morning when we left for church, there was a note on our door from them saying “We are on the same page. Can we talk this afternoon after 4?” So, of course, we agreed to talk to them, even though we REALLY didn’t think they were on the “same page” as us. I was feeling pretty nervous about it all morning, but Troy and I talked about it and prayed about it, and after that I was feeling better. He just reminded me that we hadn’t done anything wrong, so we really didn’t need to defend ourselves for anything.
So 4:00 came and we traipsed down the stairs to talk to them, and they were very sweet and understanding, or so it seemed. They wanted to show us the circuit breaker box, just in case we needed it sometime when they were gone, so we did that, and then they brought up the situation. Well, supposedly they are going to be putting up a wall up at the top of the stairs with a locking door, which should help eliminate both the smoke and privacy/security issues. They told us they would start on it in about 2 weeks. So, basically we decided we’d give them the 2 weeks, but if it didn’t look like they were going to have it done that quickly, we will seriously start looking for another place. Troy wants me to keep my eyes open, just in case I see something that might be better in the mean time. We still have no guarantee that the wall will solve the smoke problem, and we are NOT thrilled about that. So right now we just have to wait and see if they make good on their promise about the wall and door, but I will definitely be looking in the mean time. I actually found a couple places in the paper that sound nice and I’m going to call them tonight. It couldn’t hurt to have something else lined up just in case, could it? :) And we will definitely be praying, also, because really, we don’t want to move if we don’t have to. And that’s that. What a surprise, more waiting!
Speaking of waiting… I’m on cd 36 today… with nothing. So I’ll be calling the Dr. this week and seeing if they can give me a Rx for Provera or something to get AF to pay me a visit. I just KNOW they’re going to ask if I’m sure that I’m not pregnant, and that always bothers me. DUH!!! I may not be a Dr., but I know enough about my body to be able to tell if I’ve ovulated (thanks to charting), let alone if I’m pregnant! Believe me, I WISH that were the problem! Oh well.
So, that’s pretty much my Monday update. Sorry if it was kinda depressing today. All in all, we did have a good weekend. We spent lots of time with our families on Saturday – although not enough time together :( – but it’s important to have family time, too! We got to be in the nursery at church last night, too, and that’s always fun for me to see Troy interacting with those kids. Still can’t get him to change a diaper, though! He swears he won’t change one until it’s his own baby’s! That’s okay, as long as he really does when it’s his – which I’m sure he will, since he won’t have a choice! ;)

P.S. Am I the only one posting today NOT announcing a pregnancy?

It's a good, pink day!

2006-10-03T10:49:00.000-05:00

Do you want to know why it’s a good, pink day? The suspense is just killing you, isn’t it? Because I got a pink pen from one of the girls at work! Yes, it doesn’t take much to make me happy! :) It was actually just a coincidence that the pen was pink, but she had gotten it free and knew that I liked those kinds of pens, so she thought of me. That it was pink was just a bonus! So yay for good, pink days!
We had a good weekend. Got to see my brother, SIL and adoreable nephew on Saturday, and spend some time with my parents. Also, long story, but Troy’s truck has been broken down for a long time now, because he thought that the engine was shot. He works on cars, and wanted to fix it himself, so on Saturday he and his dad got the engine out and discovered that instead of a $300 fix, it was only going to be a $20 fix. Little bit of a difference there! So that was great news for us. Hopefully by next weekend he can have it up and running again. Yay!
We’re having special meetings at church this week with an evangelist, so that was kicked off on Sunday. So far they’ve been great. It’s always a challenge to me to be sharing Christ with people who do not know Him. It’s also always encouraging to see God working in the hearts of other people in the church. You can sense a great spirit in the church body.
Not too much else going on. I’m on cd… ummm… 30, I think. I haven’t been paying real close attention since I never o’d this month. Still temping and everything, because it could MAYBE still happen, but I’m really not counting on it. Oh well… I just want to get things rolling so we can start the next cycle. Any suggestions as to how long I should wait before calling the Dr’s office? I was thinking that if nothing happened before day 40 (AF or O) I would call to see if they could get AF going for me. I think it should happen on its own, though. Hopefully!
God’s been working on my heart the past few days about being focused on Him, and not so much about the baby thing. I know that there is nothing wrong with wanting children, in fact I know that it is a natural desire that HE has put in my heart… but right now there are so many ways that I can be serving Him, since He has chosen to not let being a mother be one of them right now. It’s a constant battle, and as I’ve said before, I’m constantly learning more through this struggle, this being the latest. God is so good to me, and there are a lot of ways that I can serve Him without children that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to if I did have kids, so I’m going to really try to take advantage of those and pour myself into them.
Guess that’s about all I’ve got for today. Hope everyone else is having a great Tuesday!

****

Update: One more reason today is a good day: Troy just gave me an early b-day present (my b-day's not until the end of November) - an MP3 player! I've been wanting one for awhile so I can use it when I run... and he wanted to give it to me so I can still use it while it's still warm! Awww... what a sweetie! I can't wait to start using it!

Is it Hormones? Drugs? Or just the fact that I'm a woman? (and 13 things I'm thankful for)

2006-09-29T10:42:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling all emotional/contemplative/nostalgic today. Not sure why, but everything is making me feel like I could just break down and cry – and I actually feel like I kind of WANT to. Weird, I know. First it was our hometown’s homecoming parade that got me thinking about high school, and how great and care-free life was back then. Then I read Jess’s post, and started thinking about how my life is so good right now, even if it’s not what I could have ever guessed it would be like. Then it was a song that came on the radio that was popular when Troy and I first started dating, and played on our first date, that got me thinking about us, and our relationship, and the great memories that we have together. Then it was Melissa’s post about all the things she’s thankful for. So I’m thinking I’m going to jump on the little band wagon and post 13 things (it was going to be 10 until I couldn’t stop there!) that I’m so incredibly thankful for, and probably couldn’t live without.

1. God, His Word, and my personal relationship with Him. I seriously don’t know how I could make it in life without knowing Him.
2. Troy. My soul mate, best friend, and the most amazing person I know. I love him SO MUCH.
3. Laughter. I love to laugh. And Troy is so good at making me laugh! Some days, I don’t think I could make it without being able to just LAUGH – whether something is genuinely funny, or I just have to laugh at the irony of something, or I just HAVE to laugh or I’ll explode. :D
4. Family. Mine, Troy’s… even if they’re far from perfect, I love them, and they accept me for who I am.
5. Music. I love to sing – most of the time I’m singing something. I also love to play my piano. It always helps to lift my mood… music has always been a big part of my life.
6. My almost daily walks with my sister. She and I were so alike before, but we’ve just gotten so much closer after I started going through all of this infertility crap. She’s so sweet and understanding, and it helps so much.
7. A place to call home. Even with all of our landlord troubles, I’m so thankful that no matter where we are, Troy and I have been able to make a home together – our very own place, our refuge from the world. It’s something that I dreamed of since I was a little girl.
8. My job (and Troy’s, too). Even though sometimes I don’t love it, I really am thankful for a job that pays enough for us to be able to have the things we do, as well as the ability for Troy to not have to work full-time so he can focus on his studies this year. Also for my awesome boss!
9. My country. I love being an American, and I feel so blessed to be born and raised in this great, beautiful place. It’s not perfect, but what is? God has definitely blessed our country.
10. Hope. What would I do without the hope of being able to someday have children, as well as so many other things I hope for? I would be lost.
11. Pictures! I love being able to look back at what we’ve done, where we’ve been, and how our life has changed since then. They are such a great reminder of the wonderful memories we’ve made… both apart and together.
12. My church. Once again, not perfect, but filled with such sweet, godly people that I can learn from, be encouraged by, as well as minister to.
13. Yes, and I have to say it. The Nest! The ability to get my thoughts out, and have people that relate to me and understand how I’m feeling be supportive. This place has been great.

cd 23

2006-09-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it may be day 23, but I’ve got nothing to show for it. I was hoping maybe I’d ovulate on the same day I did last month (22) – but no such luck. Still no o – and something else hit me yesterday, too… I never got sore boobs this time around. So I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m not too hopeful for this cycle. In fact, I’m not expecting anything to happen. So here we are again, just waiting for AF to come again. Now, of course, I could be wrong, and things could still happen this cycle, but if they did I would be VERY pleasantly surprised. So, we’ll just move on and try again next cycle. I’m sure if I don’t o, they’ll probably up me to 100mg this time around, which hopefully will kick my ovaries into gear again. *Sigh* - and I thought it would be so fun to be able to tell our parents at Christmas… although I guess it could still happen before then – it’s only the end of September. But even if I ovulated this cycle yet, it would be the middle of October before we know for sure, and then, well, okay, then we’d still have 2 months to wait. So maybe… we’ll see. One day at a time, Cherie. God knows what’s best! I have to keep reminding myself of that.
In life not related to my reproductive system… I’ve been trying to spend more time with our youth group girls recently – and it is so exciting to me to see them opening up with me. It makes me hope that maybe after Troy graduates in May that we won’t run off to another church right away – I would really love to be able to pour some more time into the kids here. They are all great, sweet kids, and we can definitely see God’s working in their hearts, and it is so neat to see. I really hope that they will be able to look back at their time in the youth group as a time that they really came to understand not just WHAT they believe, but WHY they believe it. That’s really what we’ve been trying to get them to see lately – that even if they have all of their spiritual “ducks in a row,” that it really doesn’t matter how much outward good they do if their hearts aren’t in the right place. Their heart condition is what God really cares about, not the fact that they come to youth group every Sunday and prayer meeting every Wednesday and say all the right things and look the right way. It’s such a challenge to me, too, because if I’M not living like I should, and my heart is not in the right place, they’re going to see that and that could cause some serious problems. I’m hoping to have a sleep-over for them one of these weekends – maybe not until they’re on Christmas break, but they really seemed to like the idea. They all come from such different backgrounds and everything I think that it would help them to grow closer.
The smoke situation has not gotten any better, even with the vinegar trick, unfortunately. :( I even got excited and went out and bought a big ole’ jug of it… but so far it seems like the only thing that keeps the smell at bay is keeping our little window fan running constantly – and already, it’s getting pretty cold to have it going all the time. I’ve been trying to have it on during the day, but at night it’s just too cold. And as if the smell isn’t bad enough, we think that smoke is a trigger for Troy’s migraines. We’ve had this theory before, but since they’ve moved in he’s been waking up with them at night… so it looks like we’ll be moving again before too long. I’m having a bit of a hard time understanding why it worked out for us to be able to move here in the first place if it means moving out again when Troy’s in school, but I know there HAS to be a reason, even if I don’t have a clue what it is. Right? We’re going to talk to them and see what they say – just to let them know how unhappy we are with the situation (enough to want to move out), and see if there’s anything that can be done about it. BEST-case scenario they would do something to keep us happy, since, if I say so myself, we’re pretty darn-good tenants. We always pay our rent on time, we’re quiet, we’re responsible… what else could a landlord want? :)
Work is work… in fact it’s super slow today, since I finished everything I had to do for the week… um, this morning. Yikes. It’s going to be a long week!
Does anyone know anything about being a medical transcriptionist? It’s been on my mind a little bit lately. I’ve heard that it’s a great job that you can do from home with a relatively short training/schooling time. I found out that the tech college by us offers all the courses for an associate’s degree – online. Thought that might be something I could do with kids running around. :) So I was just wondering if anyone here has done it/knows anyone that has. Although with the proper set-up I could do payroll/my other HR duties from home… but that would take a very understanding/flexible boss. Who knows – maybe someday???
Mmkay, well I guess I’ve rambled enough for a few days’ worth of posts. :) Off to try and create some kind of job for myself to do!

I'm having an I-just-want-to-be-pregnant Day

2006-09-21T10:41:00.000-05:00

Anyone care to join me? EVERY-friggin-ONE I know is pregnant (or so it feels to me), and I want it to be my turn. Is that so bad? Hard to understand? For some reason my body must think so, after all it’s the one that is NOT cooperating and it KNOWS what I want. Ha. Like telling my body what I want will make any difference. Why would it? Nothing else does. And it kills me that people don’t care about anything people my age have to offer except babies – I am of no interest to them unless I can reproduce. Why is it that so many women find it hard to communicate on any level other than the oh-my-gosh-your pregnant!-when-are-you-due? one, or the oh-your-baby-is-so-cute-how-old-is-he? one, or the oh-my-kids-have-been-so-lately! one??? Aren’t you interested in knowing about my work, about what I’ve been doing lately, about my interests, thoughts, likes, dislikes, ANYTHING – as long as it’s not about babies?
I really am learning so much through this whole infertility thing – and one major thing is that even after we have kids, one way or another, I never want ladies who don’t have kids of their own to think that I am any less interested in what they have to say – that their lives are any less interesting or relevant to mine just because they don’t have children. God, please help me to remember that! Yesterday I took some clothes in to the dry cleaners where I used to work, and my former boss was asking all about my brother's baby, and about my sister's adoption, and not until the very end of the conversation did she ask me how we were doing – and then it was like it was just an afterthought. People! There is life beyond babies!
I’m sorry, girls. I don’t mean to be such a downer today. I know that if/when we have kids, it will be so exciting to me, that I will be one of those moms talking about my kids all the time – but right now, where we’re at, it’s just hard to hear all the time. I know I’ve said this before, but I really am going to make a conscious effort to not get SO wrapped up in my kids’ lives that I can’t talk about anything else.
Anyway – Troy and I talked again about things last night – and he really wants us to start looking into the adoption process as soon as he’s out of school if we’re not pregnant by then. In a way it makes me excited, but at the same time, I don’t know that I will be ready at that point to give up on the idea of having our own kids. But I know that I don’t have to – we can still pursue pregnancy after we have an adopted child, but it may complicate things a bit, that’s all. Money, time, possible moving, ministry… I just don’t know. Again, sorry to be a bummer today, but I really just needed to get some of these things out. Thank God for a place to do that!
I haven’t o’d yet this cycle, and I’m on day 18 – but I’m not too surprised since I didn’t o until day 22 (or was it 21? Or 23? Oh well) last cycle. So hopefully clomid will work it’s little magic and make my body cooperate again. That would be swell.
So in other news… last weekend’s wedding went well. It was… interesting. Their pastor didn’t use the Bible AT ALL for the “sermon” – but he kept pulling out these illustrations that he had hidden in back of the altar. First it was sponges, and then it was his tackle box, and then it was a fishing net! We were wondering if next he was going to pull out a kayak or a rowboat! So it was interesting, and we found out that this girl (the bride) is only 18 and just out of high school – so we were all just really hoping it works out for them. But overall it was a nice wedding. And our song went well.
Things at our new place are not panning out to be as great as we thought they would be. We still love it, it’s so cozy and we really like it, but the landlady downstairs is a smoker, and no offence to anyone that smokes, I REALLY do not like the smell of smoke, especially in my house, and now I’ve been noticing already that when I come to work, I can smell it on my clothes (they just moved in downstairs on Monday). It’s terrible! Does anyone have any remedies for getting smoke smells out of a house? I’m about ready to try anything. I burn candles all the time, I’ve been using febreeze, air fresheners, carpet sprinkles, but all those really only mask the smell, I think. I thought about looking into one of those air-purifier things, because supposedly those help get smells out of places – but they are expensive, and we really weren’t looking to invest any more money in this place – since it’s not ours. I don’t know. Any suggestions?
Oh, one more thing before I wrap up today – I didn’t mean to be so long-winded! We’re planning a “friends cruise” for next October with a group of friends that we’ve known for a long time, and I’m SUPER excited! We’ve tossed the idea around for awhile now, but now it’s really, seriously, start-saving-now going to happen! Of course, if we got pregnant any time before, say, June, we couldn’t go, but at least if we DON’T get pg, it will be something to look forward to!
Thanks for listening (or reading?:) to my venting, ladies – I do SO appreciate this place, and the sweet girls that I’ve met here. You all are the best!